“Well, now you know, Aubrey. The best thing you could have done was to walk away from Maxx. He would have eventually dragged you down further into that hole with him.”

“You’re not saying anything I don’t already know, Brooks. God! Going to see Maxx was about me! I needed it for my peace of mind! I had turned my back on my sister and look what happened! I couldn’t live with myself if the same thing had happened to Maxx. I could never go on and live my life with that weighing on my mind!”

“Jayme was not your fault, Aubrey! Shit, it was a horrible, horrible thing that had absolutely nothing to do with you!” Brooks grabbed ahold of my shoulders, digging his fingers into my flesh. “And Maxx isn’t your fault either! You need to stop blaming yourself for things beyond your control! You couldn’t change anything. Not for Jayme and not for Maxx. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you could.”

Brooks could never understand how badly I needed to hear those words in that moment. Brooks cupped my face between his palms, his fingers warm against my wet face. His thumbs ran circles over my skin and I leaned in, needing the touch. Needing to feel the connection even if it wasn’t the one I still craved.

“You’re a good person with a big heart. I love how you want to take care of everyone. But you can’t. Some people can’t be saved. And that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.” I leaned in, my nose an inch from his. “Aubrey, you have to let go of this thing you had with Maxx.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do!” I whispered.

“Okay, but you also have to let go of the guilt. You’re putting on a brave face. You’re playing the part of the girl who is moving forward. But I can see that you’ve only been willing to go halfway,” Brooks admonished gently.

“You really need to forgive yourself, Aubrey. For Jayme. For what you think happened with Maxx. For all of it. Until you do that, you’ll be stuck.”

Shit, he was right. He was so, so right.

“Stop trying to save everyone else and worry about saving yourself. Don’t you deserve that?”

I should have wanted to pull out of Brooks’s hold on my face. But I didn’t. I wanted to lean in and drink in the comfort he gave me. I wanted to lose myself in the sensation of someone else. I needed to remember what it felt like to touch someone who wasn’t Maxx. Otherwise, I was terrified I’d never be able to truly move on.

I pushed myself into Brooks’s personal space and he stilled instantly. He held himself rigid and I could feel his breath on my cheeks. Slowly and purposefully I brushed my lips against his and I heard his audible gasp. It had been years since I had kissed him.

But it was familiar. Did I want this kind of familiar?

Yes.

No.

I was horribly confused.

But I pushed myself into it, pressing my lips harder against Brooks’s. I kissed him with a heart that was empty but wanting so desperately to feel something again. I tried to open my mouth and invite him in but realized that Brooks wasn’t responding. I pulled back slightly and opened my eyes. The eyes that looked back at me were dark. He was angry.

“I’m sorry—” I began, but Brooks cut me off.

“What the hell, Aubrey?” Brooks demanded, getting to his feet and rubbing his hand over his mouth as though to wipe my kiss from his skin.

My cheeks flushed in humiliation. Brooks’s rejection ripped a hole straight through me.

“I just thought you wanted to . . .”

“Not like this! Not with you crying and miserable over some other dude!” he practically shouted.

I stood up and reached out to touch him, trying to make this better. But he recoiled instantly. “Brooks, I never meant to—”

“Use me? Try to make yourself feel better?” Brooks spat out.

I felt sick. He was right. That’s exactly what I was doing and that wasn’t fair. To him or to me. “You’re right. That’s exactly what I was doing,” I said quietly, running my hands over my face in agitation. What was wrong with me?

I knew, on some level, Brooks had feelings for me. And I had counted on those feelings to help me force something on the both of us. I cared about Brooks, but my heart still belonged to someone else, whether I wanted it to or not. You can’t give away something that wasn’t yours to give in the first place.

Brooks blew out a noisy breath and looked as upset as I had ever seen him. I couldn’t believe that I’d screwed up everything between us all over again. Because of Maxx. It was always because of Maxx. I felt like a total idiot.

“I think I should go,” Brooks said, grabbing his keys from the coffee table.

“Wait, Brooks, please! Don’t hate me!” I pleaded.

Brooks stopped just before reaching the door. “I don’t hate you, Aubrey. I could never hate you. I just want more for you than this,” he said as he opened the door.

I wasn’t sure exactly what this was. Maxx? Brooks? My pathetic attempts to use my best friend to feed my ego and make me feel better? Before I could say anything else, Brooks left.

chapter

eleven

maxx

i was going home. I couldn’t decide if I was glad or freaking the fuck out. Part of me was ready because I had to be. But then I thought about what leaving meant. All the old temptations, all the old impulses, would be there, ready and waiting to pounce. I hoped I was strong enough to resist them this time around. I had spent the last thirty days convincing myself that I needed to stay, and now, here I was, convincing myself that I needed to leave.

Escape had always been my vice, and in many ways rehab had been just that. Clean and sober escapism. Now it was time to man up and face the music of what lay out there . . . in that place I couldn’t avoid forever. I folded my shirts into neat piles and then put them into the duffel bag I had brought with me. Dominic sat on his bed, looking morose.

“I’m really gonna miss you, man,” he said, his head hanging low. I had gone out of my way to not make any connections, knowing that wasn’t what I was there for. But my roommate had latched on to me anyway. He wasn’t a bad person. He was just more than a little oblivious.

“You’ll be all right. You don’t have much longer in here yourself. You’ll be out in no time,” I said, trying to be nice, even if I really wanted to tell him to stop being such a pussy and suck it up. But then I looked at Dominic. Really looked at him. He was that kid in high school who hung on the fringes, wanting to be liked and taking the teasing even though he knew people were laughing at him and not with him. This was a person who didn’t need anyone else giving him shit. Definitely not me, who wasn’t in a position to look down on anyone.

“I don’t know. My parents want me to do the full ninety days. They say I’m not ready to leave. That I’ll relapse,” he said miserably.

I rolled my eyes, wanting to smack the shit out of his ridiculous parents. They hadn’t a clue what real addiction looked like. If Dominic was addicted to anything, it was Ding Dongs and Doritos. The only thing his drug of choice had done was to make him gain about fifty pounds and fanatically watch reruns of South Park for hours at a time.

I zipped up my duffel bag and threw it over my shoulder, determined that I would never make the Barton House my home again. “Look, Dominic, you seem like a decent guy. Don’t let anyone decide your future for you. You’re in charge of what happens, no one else. If you think you need to be here, then stay. If you don’t, then check yourself out. And good luck. I mean that.”

Dominic gave me a watery smile. “Thanks, Maxx. That means a lot coming from you.” He sniffled.

I turned and headed down the hallway, my steps lighter than they had been in a long time.