“You don’t need to apologize. I get it,” I told him.

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Landon said, his voice rising.

“Seriously, I do. I know you’re upset with me—”

“Maxx, stop it. Just listen to me. For once.” He threw the remote onto the coffee table and finally turned to look at me. Sometimes he reminded me so much of our dad. They had the same sandy-colored hair and pronounced jaw. And even though Landon was young when our father died, he had somehow adopted so many of his mannerisms that it was sometimes unsettling. Like the way his eyes flashed and his jaw ticked when he was pissed off.

Even though I was on the receiving end of my brother’s ire, I was glad to hear the strength in his tone. He had finally grown a pair.

“Okay,” I said.

Landon clenched his hands into fists, and two red splotches spread across his cheeks. I felt tense, with no idea what was coming next.

“I . . . I can’t believe how much you lied to me. You’re . . . you’re such a hypocrite . . . this whole time you’ve just been this . . . this drug addict.” He spat the words at me like they were dirty.

“You were the only person in my life I knew would always be straight with me. No matter what. But I can’t ever trust anything you say again. You’re just a big, fat liar.”

I felt wounded. He didn’t get it, didn’t understand that things weren’t so black and white. Suddenly I was pissed that he was attacking me like this. How quickly he forgot that I was the one who had always made sure he had dinner. I was the one who had always gotten him up for school and made him do his homework. Yeah, I had fucked up. Big-time. But that didn’t negate the years of bullshit I went through making sure he was taken care of.

“Now, hang on a sec. I know that I let you down. I get that you feel betrayed. But don’t for one second think that lying to you was easy. And everything I did was for you. You could be a little more fucking grateful,” I snapped, feeling my patience for his surly attitude hanging by a thread.

Landon gave an incredulous snort that made me want to hit something. “So this is my fault? That’s messed up, Maxx, even for you,” he scoffed.

I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off.

“What if you’d died, Maxx?”

My angry defensiveness fizzled out. Landon looked stricken, and I felt like an ass for trying to defend myself at all. Talk about a fucking punch to the gut.

Shit. He was right.

I had almost died. Then where would Landon have been?

I was a fucking hypocrite. I was so damn selfish.

“Landon. I . . . I thought I had everything tight and controlled. I was such an idiot. I didn’t really think about what I was doing to you. Because, honestly, I didn’t even know what I was doing to myself.”

“What about Aubrey? How about what you did to her?” Landon asked, and my heart stopped and then started up again painfully.

“Yeah, I messed up with Aubrey, too,” I admitted, feeling weird talking about my girl problems with my kid brother.

“So I’m guessing she dropped you on your ass?”

“It wasn’t like that,” I argued, though that’s exactly what had happened. I took a deep breath. I wasn’t prepared for a conversation like this with Landon, of all people.

“Look, Landon . . . I get that you’re mad at me. You have every right to be. But you’re my brother. We’ve got to work this stuff out. I’m trying really hard here. I just want you to see that.” Landon refused to look at me.

“I’m working at the coffee shop on campus. Landon . . . I’m making fucking coffee! That should tell you how serious I am to do things right,” I said.

Landon’s lips quirked. Just the slightest movement, but it was something. “You could come by sometime and I’ll make you a latte or some froufrou shit.” I was trying to be funny, but it sounded pretty strained.

My brother snorted. “If you make coffee like you cook, I think I’ll pass.”

“Hey, it’s not that bad. I’ve almost figured out how to use the espresso machine without burning myself,” I joked, my laugh sounding rusty and unused.

Landon’s face softened. Just a bit. “Seeing you in that hospital sucked, Maxx. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared,” he admitted gruffly. I knew talking about feelings wasn’t something he liked to do, being a teenage boy and all.

“I know, man. I’m sorry. Really, really sorry. I was . . . I am . . . an addict.” It hurt to admit that out loud. To confirm the words he’d spat in my face, to confirm what I had denied for so long. And to my brother. The one person I had tried so hard to hide it from.

But I also felt relieved that finally, after all this time, I could admit it. Own it. Move on from it.

“So you’ve stopped, then?” Landon’s voice sounded small and it reminded me how young he really was. It reminded me of that little kid I had taken care of all those years ago.

“Yes, God, yes. But I can’t lie and say I don’t want to. Because I do. All the time. But I’m going to fight against it. Because you deserve better from me, Landon.”

Landon nodded and turned back to the television. I didn’t say anything else, not sure if I should stay or leave. Landon wasn’t giving me much to go on.

When his show was over, Landon got to his feet and I figured that was my cue to go. I was disappointed that things felt so unfinished. I couldn’t tell if Landon was willing to forgive me or not. I didn’t know if this was it. Whether I’d lost my brother for good.

Landon started to walk out of the room and then stopped, not quite turning back to me. “You wanna help me change the oil in the ’stang?” he asked, his tone noncommittal.

I felt something that was a lot like hope spark inside me. “Sure, buddy. I’d like that,” I told him, getting to my feet and following him out to the garage.

chapter

seventeen

aubrey

as far as weeks could go, I’d had better. I had been working hard to keep my nose down and focus on my schoolwork, staying late on campus to study. I went to class and then I went home, not lingering too long in between. I had to limit the chances of a run-in that would only leave me bruised and wanting.

I was walking home from class that particular afternoon, thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time. I was trying to concentrate on the stuff that mattered. School. Getting back into the counseling program. My friendships with Renee and Brooks. Anything but Maxx Demelo.

I had my eyes trained to the ground, moving quickly. I started up the steps to my apartment building, when a movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. I paused and turned and then wished instantly that I hadn’t.

Tucked into the shadowed alcove between my apartment building and the shop next door were two people locked in a passionate embrace. The man had the woman pressed against the wall, her hands gripping his shoulders as he held her tightly.

He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist without once breaking the kiss that was consuming them both. My stomach rolled and I felt an inexplicable guilt as I watched the scene in front of me. Ugly emotions surfaced about my own warring emotions about Maxx.

I watched my roommate run her fingers through Devon Keeton’s short red hair and for a moment, I hated her for not being stronger. For falling right along with me. Because clearly I wasn’t the only one who was tempted to open a door that was better off left closed.

I turned my back on Renee and her ex-boyfriend and walked inside.

Renee breezed into the apartment half an hour later, a mess of hair and frenetic energy. Even if I hadn’t seen her in the alley with douchebag Devon, I would have instantly known something was up. Her face was flushed, her eyes bright, and her hands shook when she turned the lock in the door.