“I don’t think I’m going back to the club, man,” I said, ready for the fireworks.

And Marco didn’t disappoint. His face went molten red, and he looked like he was ready to spit nails. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he demanded.

“Just what I fucking said! I’m done with the club! I’m gonna try to play it straight for a while,” I said, hating that I sounded like such a pussy. And hating that I wished I could take back the words as soon as I had said them.

“Why in the hell would you want to do that? We’re making a mint! So because you’ve developed some sort of sudden moral fucking center, I’m going to have to suffer because of it? You really are a selfish prick, you know that?” he yelled, kicking over my coffee table.

“Dude, if you’re going to break shit, go somewhere else and have your hissy fit,” I told him dryly.

Marco gave me a dirty look, but leaned down and picked up the overturned table. He sighed and pulled at the silver hoop in his lip. “Do you have something against cash, Maxx? Because I know you can’t be so stupid to think you can get that sort of scratch at a nine-to-five. We’ve got a great little operation going on. And now that Gash is cutting down on people, he’s less focused on what I’m doing at the door. He’s more interested in his other side projects. He’s been meeting a lot with those dudes from Mexico. He won’t give a shit about some money missing from the door every night. We could even increase the amount if we’re careful. This is the time to make some serious coin, man.” Marco’s eyes snapped, and he was a man with some intense conviction. He made it damn hard to say no.

Because he was right. I couldn’t make the kind of money I did at the club anywhere else. I’d had my chance to make something of myself and had blown it. My art, even school, had become nothing more than wasted opportunities in the wreckage of my life. I fingered the bag of pills in my pocket, feeling their familiar round smoothness.

“Just come by the club this weekend. Talk to Gash. See what he has to say. If you tell him what was going on with your brother, he probably won’t use your face as a punching bag,” Marco suggested, and I smirked.

“Golly gee, you make that sound so appealing,” I responded sarcastically, even as I was already considering his offer.

“Just come by. Don’t fuck yourself because of some newfound scruples. Screw that shit. That’s not who you are. You’re fucking X, dude. Don’t forget that.” Marco pointed at the bag of pills I had unconsciously taken out of my pocket and held between my fingers.

“You need to take the edge off. I can tell it’s been a while,” he said, and walked out the door.

I crumpled the bag in my hands and headed to the bathroom, before I could talk myself out of it. I lifted the toilet lid and held open the bag, watching as a handful of pills fell into the water. Before the last of them could fall, I quickly stuffed it back into my pocket.

I flushed the toilet and then hurried down the hall to my bedroom, shoving the bag into the back of my drawer.

I slammed it shut and fell back against the dresser, breathing heavily. My skin was clammy with sweat, and my throat felt tight with the overwhelming urge to swallow the last two pills in the bag. I wanted them.

I didn’t think I had ever wanted anything so much in my entire sad fucking life. I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to crawl back to that, no matter how much I craved it with every cell, every molecule, in my body.

I’ll be here whenever you need me, they whispered.

I covered my ears with my hands and wanted to scream for them to leave me the hell alone! That I wasn’t that guy anymore! That I wouldn’t let myself be him! I had people who were counting on me. People who needed me to be someone different.

I slid down to the floor and closed my eyes. And then I leaned over and threw up onto my carpet. Acidic bile dribbled from my mouth, and I wiped it away with the hem of my shirt. My head was pounding and my ears were ringing as I forced myself to forget about the drugs I had stupidly hung on to.

The drugs, now that I had them again, I couldn’t let go of. I wanted to, but I had learned a long time ago that want and need were two entirely different things.

chapter

twenty-two

aubrey

i was confused. No, I was more than confused. I was disoriented.

Maxx’s kiss had thrown me. I should have predicted it. What had I expected would happen? That we’d sit around and knit a freaking sweater?

He had seemed so upset after getting the news that his hours were being cut at the stable, and I hurt for him. He’d pulled me in with his sad desperation, just as he always had. So much for my so-called hardened heart. Now here I was, several days later, still bothered by his sadness.

I showed up early to my Boundaries and Ethics class so I could have my weekly slip signed off for Dr. Lowell. I suppressed my abject humiliation at being treated like a naughty grade-schooler who has to have her work approved.

“Hey, Aubrey.”

I looked up to see April taking her now-usual seat beside me. I had spent the last few classes trying to ignore her to keep my distance from Evan intact, but I was too tired to maintain my active silence. “Hey, April. How are you?”

April gave me a startled look. “Uh, fine, thanks. How are you?” she asked, the conversation stilted. April didn’t seem to know what to say, and I wondered when was the last time she had been asked that question.

“Not bad. Did you do the reading last night?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure I understood any of it. This stuff is over my head. I audited this class thinking it would be an interesting filler. I quit my job, which I wasn’t happy about. But I realized I had some time to kill, so I thought why not. But it’s way more work than I thought it would be,” April said on a sigh.

“Sorry about the job. That sucks,” I said sympathetically with a grimace.

“Yeah. It does. But I should have probably quit a long time ago. It’s for the best,” she said, as though repeating something she had been told many times before.

My curiosity was piqued. “Why is it for the best? Where were you working?”

“I was a cashier at the independent bookstore on Maple Drive,” April said.

“I love that place! That sounds like a great job! Why in the world would you want to quit working there?” I asked.

April chewed on her bottom lip, sucking the small silver ring into her mouth. “Evan didn’t like my boss. It created . . . problems,” she answered hesitantly.

I could imagine what sort of problems Evan created. I got the feeling that April didn’t want to talk about it, and I wasn’t going to press her for personal details.

“Yeah, so this class is no cakewalk, that’s for sure,” I continued, as though she hadn’t mentioned Evan or her job.

“Yeah, I’ve heard,” April said, giving me the hint of a smile.

“I barely scraped by with a B the last time I took it,” I told her without thinking.

April frowned, cocking her head to the side.

“You’ve taken this class already and passed? Then why in the world are you taking it again?” she asked incredulously, and I realized my mistake.

“You’re just a masochist like the rest of us, huh?” She giggled, and I couldn’t help but wonder if we might have been friends under different circumstances. I could see a glimmer of the person she could be if she wasn’t with Evan, and I wondered why she stayed with someone who sucked away all elements of her personality.

My mind immediately went to my best friend and the girl she had become when she had been dating Devon.

“Damn, my cover’s been blown,” I joked, smiling back. April laughed, and it was an infectious sort of sound that made me hate her boyfriend more than I already did for taking that joy away from her. The professor began his lecture, and I was pulled from my surprisingly enjoyable conversation.