Maxx let out an exasperated breath. “You have to stop trying to save me, Aubrey,” he said, his words hanging in the air with the weight of uncomfortable truth.

“That’s not fair, Maxx, and more than a little messed up for you to say!” I bit out, feeling tears that had refused to fall earlier prick my eyes, even as I fought against them. I was exhausted. I was exposed. I was going down fast.

Maxx slid across the bed until only inches separated us. He slowly reached for my hands, enfolding them between his.

“No, that wasn’t fair. But it’s the truth. You can’t help me at the expense of yourself. You have to come first . . . not just this time, but all the time. I love you too much to have you throw away your safety to protect me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” He was impassioned and emphatic. He was trying to be selfless. I got that.

Then I got angry.

I reared back and stumbled to my feet, almost falling over in my need to get away from him and his touch.

“Don’t you dare,” I warned, holding my hands out as if that would stop him.

Maxx looked bewildered and extremely hurt by my reaction. He didn’t understand that I resented his sweet sentiments and his efforts to be a guy who would put me first.

But where the hell was this guy when I was throwing my life away in order to jump off the cliff with him?

Where was this sensitive person when I was watching him fight to breathe on a disgusting bathroom floor, a used hypodermic needle at my feet?

And where was this caring, compassionate man when he had used every element of emotional manipulation in his arsenal to get me to stay with him, no matter the cost to me?

“What did I say?” he asked, getting to his feet but not walking toward me. I was having a hard time breathing. I was enraged.

“You sit there being all emotive and . . . perfect. Saying all the right things,” I hissed, barely able to look at him. “You can’t do this to me! I can’t sit on my bed with you after what just happened and have you tell me that I need to protect myself,” I all but shouted. “I’m in this fucking mess because of you! I’m still trying to claw my way to the surface after you decimated my entire life!”

We both recoiled at my words. But somehow, these things I had thought but never really said needed to be said. I had shared some of this at the rehab center when I had visited him, but obviously there was still more that I needed to say.

Maxx opened his mouth but I shook my head, silencing him.

“Don’t. Just don’t. You drew me in, you made me love you, and I was willing to do anything for you. But that wasn’t enough, was it? I threw away my career to watch you freak out every time you couldn’t find your pills fast enough! I watched you die, Maxx!” I screamed, and Maxx flinched.

“You died ! And I had to give you CPR! Do you even begin to understand what that was like? To put my mouth to yours and breathe for you, watching your chest rise and fall and then wait for you to do it on your own? And when you didn’t, putting my fingers to your neck to try and find a pulse that wasn’t there? I thought you were gone! Just like Jayme. Just. Like. Jayme!” I shrieked, gripping my hair at my scalp and pulling hard.

Welcome to Nervous Breakdown Land. Ticket, please.

Maxx reached for me, his palms outward, trying to placate me. “Aubrey, please, just calm down so we can talk about this,” he begged, tears coursing down his cheeks as he watched me slowly fall apart.

“You knew what I had been through with Jayme! You knew!” I agonized, my voice softening as I crumpled down onto the bed again. Maxx stayed where he was, watching me with hesitation, not sure if he should comfort me or leave me alone.

“I was a selfish bastard, I know that! I didn’t care about how you were feeling. All I cared about was getting what I wanted. What I needed,” Maxx stated without any hint of denial. His plain and unobstructed truth cut through the red haze of my anger.

“You were a selfish bastard, Maxx. Which is why I walked away. I couldn’t lose you. Not to drugs. Not to an addiction I had no control over. I was going to start my life over. But here you are. In my room. You saved the day like a fucking superhero. And I should want you to leave. I should open the door and kick your ass out. But I can’t. Because my heart aches for you, Maxx!” I pulled at the shirt over my chest as though I could pull the beating organ from my flesh and hand it to him.

“I’m so sorry, Aubrey! God, I’m so fucking sorry!” Maxx sobbed, his face soaked with tears, his eyes bright with pain.

“You keep saying the same old shit, Maxx! You’re sorry. You’re different. You’ve changed. But it comes down to the fact that I don’t trust you. How can I?” I spat out.

“I don’t know.” Maxx hung his head.

“I want you to leave,” I said.

“If that’s what you want,” Maxx replied, heading to my door. He looked shattered.

He had looked like that before. When he had been coming down from the drugs. When he had been at the edge of the abyss and ready to topple over.

I hated that look.

But this time it wasn’t because of the drugs.

I had put that look on his face. The desolation in his heart.

I had worked so hard to figure out what I needed to do if I was ever faced with this moment again.

I needed to tell him to leave. To turn my back and walk away. Again.

I was strong. I was in control.

But I loved him.

And watching him leave was tearing me apart.

When it came down to it, I was tired of hurting. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything.

Holding on to him had always been hard. But losing him was worse.

“Wait,” I called out, feeling a definitive snap in the air between us. Maxx looked confused. Wary. But hopeful.

“I want you to leave. I do. I know it’s what I should say. But it’s a lie.” Maxx took one small, tentative step toward me. Our eyes met and I saw my past. My present. My future.

“I want you to leave, Maxx, but I need you to stay. Please.” My lips trembled. “I’m such an idiot. I want the one thing that can hurt me the most. But I can’t help it. You’re in my blood, Maxx. You’re everywhere. In everything. I can’t escape you. I don’t want to escape you. You’ve destroyed me. But I want you to put me back together. Can you do that? Can you make everything right again?” I asked, and I knew I was asking too much. That I shouldn’t put the pressure of this on his unstable shoulders. But I was also tired of carrying the weight alone.

It was time that he started sharing the burden of our twisted love.

Maxx collapsed beside me on the bed, his hands coming up to frame my face. “I will if you let me,” he promised, running his thumbs along the curve of my lips.

“I will do everything I can to make it up to you. I swear it, Aubrey,” he whispered, and then his mouth was on mine and there was no holding back anymore. My hands came around to grip the back of his shirt as we devoured each other in a frenzy of pent-up emotion and desire.

I parted my lips beneath his and moaned deep and low in the back of my throat. Maxx pushed me backward and he lay over me, his hands coming to the front of my shirt and pulling anxiously at the buttons.

He was wild. I was ravenous. We were desperate and lost and could only be found in each other.

I pulled his shirt up and over his head and threw it onto the floor, then fumbled at his belt buckle. We were clumsy, our fingers shaky, our kisses intense.

Maxx pulled back, bracing himself on his arms above me as he looked down at my fevered face. His eyes burned into mine, and I felt myself shudder at the heat I saw there. “I’ve dreamed every day of this moment. When I could touch you like this.” He hastily unzipped my jeans and then dipped his hand inside, his fingers teasing my wet opening. I groaned and arched my back.