I reminded myself we weren’t exactly a couple, and when it came time for the recap, I told him I didn’t think he gave me as many positive reinforcements this time. Not as many "good girls." Later, I realized that he told me I did a good job after the session was over, but I didn’t recall him praising me during. I told him it helped draw me in more when he peppered the name-calling with positive reinforcement. I seemed to need both to be able to “get off” on cue. I worried that I was a high-maintenance sub and wondered if he was less than pleased with me. I had no idea whether I was being too sensitive or if I was truly a disappointment because I didn’t come on command.

That night I had trouble sleeping. If this were a normal relationship, I’d feel like I could talk this out with him. And I sort of did that in my emails, but I was frustrated beyond belief that I couldn’t just pick up that phone and check in with him.

Why couldn’t I just call and say, “Hey, tonight was weird, right? Or was it just me?”

And then he’d tell me whatever and we’d go forward from there.

But instead I was stuck in limbo. Half in a relationship. Half not. Well, not really a relationship, except my body belonged to him. But that wasn’t real, though. Or was it?

I felt like I’d fallen down Alice’s rabbit hole into a crazy mixed-up world that was beginning to drive me nuts, but that I was too addicted to leave.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

The next morning, after I noticed the red stripes across my ass in the mirror, I received this message from MC:

Sophie,

You are certainly shaping into a nice little plaything. I have a decadent session planned for next time that should make your toes curl. I wonder how often we can make that cunt come? I wonder how long we can keep you in an orgasmic state? I wonder if we can get those juices forming a river between your ass cheeks?

Be a good fuck slut and keep that clit dancing by stroking, pinching, jerking, and spanking. When you read this I want you to make that cunt come. You will go into the bathroom and watch in the mirror the li’l whore fuck her cunt and play with her clit until she explodes with that sweet release.

Then tell me all about the dirty girl you watched in the mirror.

Stay wet.

MC

After reading his message, I went into my bathroom, took off my panties, and perched on the counter in front of the mirror. I spread my legs and touched myself, stroking my clit thirty times. I pinched and rolled it, then jerked it like a little cock the way MC taught me. And I felt like a filthy whore doing it. I fucked myself with my dildo, the one designed to hit my G-spot. I watched myself in the mirror, stared into my eyes as I climaxed, saw the release passing over my face. It was an interesting and revealing experience. Obviously, it wasn’t an angle I usually viewed my sexual antics from, and it fascinated me to see my pussy being played with in the mirror. It made me realize what MC would see if he and I were ever together.

I sent him a note describing my play to him and I considered sending it “as is,” but reconsidered. The way I’d felt the night before—so out of sync with him and distanced—I had the need to reconnect and learn something about him, if that was possible. So I added the following at the end:

That brings me to something else that’s been on my mind. I am getting to the point where I am curious about certain things, and I’m not sure where the boundaries are (or should be) when it comes to asking you questions about yourself or your experience with BDSM. I know that if we were doing this live, I would be more comfortable asking more questions, but because of the nature of cyber-play as well as both of our privacy issues, I don’t have a road map as to how to handle it. Normally if I was playing with someone, I would know more about them and our bond would grow the way a friendship does, but this is a unique and unusual scenario, and while the distance works for me in some ways, in other ways I think a more human connection would help deepen the process.

So I am conflicted. While I appreciate the anonymity that cyber-training provides, sometimes it also seems mechanical, almost robotic, less human. And I’m afraid that keeps me from being as immersed in a scene as I could be. One of the big downsides of cyber is that it lacks the human touch of another person, but I’m wondering if it lacks an emotional component as well.

~Sophie

To which he responded:

Sophie,

The training is sinking in and you are coming along nicely as an obedient sub. You and I are evolving and as time goes on, some of your questions will be answered. You can approach me on any subject, and questions will receive a thoughtful and honest answer.

There’s definitely a void in cyber-training, but nothing is perfect. I don’t mind sharing some personal things, but we must be careful because personal knowledge can sometimes take the edge off. As we move further we will develop a more “human connection,” but that takes time, and we’re only in the beginning stages.

Time restraints, schedules, and distance all play a part, but the more time we spend together, the more we’ll share and develop on a personal level.

Be good.

MC

Dear Sir,

I understand, and it occurs to me that you know much more about me than I know about you. One question I have is: what do you do during the day when we are not playing? For example, I wondered in general if you worked in an office, or from home, or traveled all week. I certainly do not need to know details of what you do, but please share as much as you feel is appropriate. You know that I am a teacher and that I’m off work for the summer.

It feels strange that I would ask any of my friends from social media a question like that, but I didn’t think I was supposed to know it about you. Another thing I wondered, is if you have other subs in real life on an ongoing basis? I know some Doms seem to have several, others like to have just one. How about you?

I appreciate your willingness to discuss things with me.

Thank you, sir.

~Sophie

Sophie,

I will share some personal information but it must remain between us.

I was married once, but have been divorced for several years. I am a composer and work primarily from home. Occasionally I am called upon to travel for my career, but that’s more the exception than the rule.

My sub relationships are off and on. Recently I had a training relationship end when the sub found a local Dom and began a relationship with him. The training I did with her was intense, and every once in a while, still, she will contact me to abuse her on cam, but for the most part she has moved on.

Other than you, I’ve only had one sub in the recent past, and that lasted two sessions. Feel free to ask me any more questions.

Be good.

MC

It wasn’t much, but it was something. What he said made him seem like more of a real person and less a phantom who floated in and out of my life with all the permanence of a cloud. Nothing he said really surprised me, though it was cool that he was a composer. I wondered what he composed.

I decided to try to take the conversation further and the next time I saw he was available for an online chat, I pounced.

Sophie: Thanks for answering my questions. I will keep that information confidential between the two of us. And I ask that you do the same with my info. Being a kindergarten teacher, I do worry about someone at the school finding out about what I’m doing.

MC: I understand.