“Why don’t you go take a nap, tesoro,” Caro suggested quietly. “We’ll just be yakking out here for a while. You’ve more than done your part.”

I didn’t like admitting defeat, but it was either go lie down, or take enough pain meds to knock me out.

“You don’t mind?”

“Of course not. Just take care of yourself and rest.”

I smiled, wanting to ease the concern I saw on her face. “Okay, but wake me up before they go?”

“You really want some more?” she asked, pretending to be shocked.

“They’re okay,” I grinned at her—and I meant it. “They really care about you, Caro. That’s all that matters.”

I muttered some apologies then shuffled inside. They started talking about me immediately—I guess they hadn’t realized that our bedroom window opened onto the yard.

Nicole weighed in first.

“Well, he’s even hotter in the flesh, Lee; hot-tempered, too.”

“Both are equally true,” Caro agreed.

“You guys look good together. I must admit I had my doubts, but it’s obvious he adores you. Hell, that’s as good a start as any.”

“He needs to find a new direction, Lee,” said Alice. “He’s not the kind of man who can just sit around.”

Wasn’t that the truth? But I had no clue what to do next—a few ideas maybe, but nothing solid. Part of the problem was that I’d been following orders for the last 10 years; now I was a free agent. It felt like jumping without a parachute: fucking scary.

I fell into an uneasy sleep as their voices drifted away. But having all these new thoughts rushing around my brain made me restless.

I was back in Afghanistan. I could feel the heat of the early sun on my face, the weight of my daypack and the M16 in my hand.

Then the guy in robes appeared, his face strained with fear.

“Those who disbelieve, theirs will be a severe torment; and those who believe in the Oneness of Allah and do righteous good deeds, theirs will be forgiveness and a great reward of Paradise.”

The script changed and his face turned hateful.

“And kill them wherever you find them…”

I was flying through the air, and my body was on fire but I couldn’t put the flames out, I couldn’t put them out … I was covered in blood … my blood … Chiv’s blood … I couldn’t put the flames out…

Caro was gripping me hard, screaming loudly. No. No, it wasn’t Caro who was screaming, it was me.

My body was soaked with sweat and I was shaking so badly, my teeth were rattling and I could hardly sit up. I clung to Caro with all my strength. Only her. She was the only one who could make it stop.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

My breath shuddered in my chest, my face pressed against her.

“It’s alright, Sebastian, it’s going to be alright, tesoro.”

“Fuck, Caro,” I gasped. “I keep seeing…”

“I know, baby, I know.”

I covered my eyes as if my shaking hands could hide me from the memories. And I knew her friends must have heard me. Disgust at my weakness made me burn with shame. So fucking weak.

“I can’t go out there, Caro. I can’t see them like this.”

“You don’t have to,” she said, stroking my hair. “Stay here, I’ll see them off. Two minutes, tesoro.”

She kissed me quickly and headed out of the room.

I sat on the edge of the bed, panting like I’d just run a marathon. My legs were weak and my whole body was trembling, but I made it to the shower, letting the hot water chase away the demons, even if it was just for a while.

I leaned against the tiles, my hands outstretched, and the water pouring over my head, the noise drowning out the screams I could still hear in my head.

Then the shower door opened and I felt Caro behind me. I turned to her and she wrapped her arms around me. Safe.

That night, she held me in our bed, never letting go. I felt humiliated that her friends had seen … or rather heard me like that, weak, vulnerable, pathetic.

Caro said it didn’t matter, but it mattered to me.

I hated feeling like this. I just wanted the nightmares to stop. I wondered if they ever would. Every time I thought I was getting better, that cold bitch fate reminded me that I couldn’t escape.

“My friends really liked you, Sebastian,” she said quietly. “And they think you’re hot. Should I be worried?”

“Fuck no,” I muttered into her hair.

She laughed gently. “They weren’t that bad.”

“They probably wonder what the fuck you’re doing with me.”

“Shhh, they know I love you and that you love me. Nothing else matters.”

I wanted that to be true, but it wasn’t.

“Well, I may have told them a little white lie,” she began.

“Yeah?”

“I told them that we were thinking of getting married on October 2nd—your 28th birthday.”

My eyes flashed open as I stared at her, hope burning a hole through my chest.

“Is that what you want, baby?”

“Only if you do,” she replied cautiously.

“Caro, I’ll marry you tomorrow, if you’ll have me.”

She smiled and ran her warm hands down my spine.

“We need to give our friends a little time to buy plane tickets—you said Ches was going to come?”

“Sure, okay. October 2nd. It’ll be the best fucking birthday ever.”

The next day I was in a foul mood.

I was still pissed that Caro’s friends had been around for my pathetic public meltdown. Caro said it didn’t matter; I said she was fucking dumb if she thought that. Yeah, not too smart of me. I thought she was going to throw something, but instead she stormed out of the house. Again.

I didn’t blame her. If I could have walked any distance, I’d have stormed out, as well.

She called my outbursts ‘emotional grenades’. I didn’t mean to take it out on her, but I guess she was the only person in the firing line.

I sighed and stared out the window for the fiftieth time since she left. I looked up and down the street, but I couldn’t see Caro. In fact the only person I could see was our neighbor, an elderly lady named Mrs. Levenson.

She was okay; talked a lot, but was nice enough.

I didn’t feel like talking today, so when she knocked on the door, I thought about ignoring her. Then I gave myself a swift kick in the nuts: since when was I such a pussy that I couldn’t even answer the fucking door to a grandma?

I limped over to the front door and pulled it open.

“Oh, Sebastian, good afternoon. How are you, young man? Still skinny, I see. That woman of yours needs to feed you up a bit more. If you were my boy I’d soon put some flesh on your bones.” Then she leaned over and slapped my stomach. “Hmm, some good muscles there. You need to eat more red meat.”

I looked at her in amusement. “May I help you with something, ma’am?”

“Ah, yes. Is Lee around?”

“No, ma’am, she went out. But I don’t think she’ll be much longer.”

She huffed a bit, then said, “Never mind, you’ll do. I’ve had this letter sitting in my house since Friday. Well, as you know, it was my grandson’s Bar mitzvah, so I’ve been staying with my son in Riverdale, he’s a doctor and…”

I zoned out for the rest. Mrs. Levenson never could use one word when fifty was more fun. She rattled out words like a submachine gun. Eventually she got to the point.

“…so this letter isn’t for me at all; it’s for Lee. Would you please make sure she gets it?”

When I assured her that I’d deliver the letter, she finally agreed that I could probably manage that task. Fuck me, they should send her to Afghanistan—the Taliban would run away screaming.

I noticed that the letter was from London, but I didn’t recognize the sender’s address. I laid it on the coffee table for Caro, then went back to staring out the window when a car pulled up. Jee-zus—her harpy friend, Nicole. It really wasn’t my day.

She got out of the car carrying what looked like a guitar case. Aw hell, I really hoped this wasn’t some sort of kumbaya intervention.