She handed him a bottle and poured herself another glass of ice tea. He sat down on one of the stools ranged around the breakfast bar. He still couldn’t meet her eye.

Kate took a sip of her drink, suddenly feeling slightly nauseous.

‘Josh. What is it?’

He took a long gulp of beer.

‘It – it’s not about the case.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘What I wanted to talk to you about. It’s not about Gleason.’

There was a pause. God, she hoped he wasn’t in some kind of trouble. Or sick. Or worse.

‘You’re not ill, are you?’

‘No, even though I feel I haven’t slept for weeks.’

‘Well – you know you can always talk to me,’ she said softly.

At that point he broke down, his body wracked by a wave of violent sobs.

‘Oh my God, Josh,’ she said, taking him in her arms. ‘What on earth is wrong?’

He tried to form words, but he felt his mouth melting.

‘Kate – I - ’

‘Take a deep breath. Come on.’

She stroked his hair as he regained control of his breathing.

‘It’s taken me a long time,’ he said, swallowing, ‘and I know that you probably won’t. I don’t blame you, after everything that’s go on. The way I behaved. I should never have - ’

‘Hey, slow down. One thing at a time.’

‘I acted so stupidly. I was blind. I didn’t know what I wanted. It was only a fling, but then the way you reacted. I -’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s like this, Kate. I realised - ’

She couldn’t speak. It was all too unreal.

He took another deep breath as he stood up.

‘It’s you, Kate.’

What?

‘It’s you – you that I want.’

She didn’t know how to react, what to say. She opened her mouth, but she couldn’t form the words.

He moved towards her to kiss her, but she stopped him with her hand.

‘I don’t know, Josh. It’s too -’

She was interrupted by the harsh ring of Josh’s cell. He tried to ignore it, but on the fifth ring he answered.

‘What?’ he barked, but then immediately became more business-like. ‘And you’re sure it’s a reliable witness? What’s the address? Okay, I’ll meet you there.’

He cut the connection and turned back to Kate.

‘It was Curtis. In response to the release of your reconstruction there’s been a sighting of Ryan Gleason at a motel in West LA. I’d better get over there now.’

‘Can I come with you?’

‘No. You stay here. As soon as I’m through I’ll come back over, if that’s okay. We need to talk some more.’

‘Sure.’

‘See you later then,’ he said. He thought about kissing her – just lightly, affectionately – and decided against it. Obviously she needed time to get used to the idea. Maybe she wouldn’t even accept him back. It was something he couldn’t force upon her. He turned to go.

‘Josh?’ she said.

He looked back over his shoulder.

‘Take care. Please.’

He nodded, smiled, and walked out of the house without another word.

65

He watched him come out of the motel room, get into his car and drive off. A few seconds later she started her engine and followed.

He was on the tail of both of them. Where was Ryan Gleason going? And what would Susan Gable do to him?

Whatever was about to happen he was looking forward to getting a ring-side seat. He pushed his foot down hard on the gas. He hadn’t felt this alive in years.

66

What was she supposed to feel now? Of course, part of her wanted to scream, ‘Yes!’ at the top of her voice. Yes, she would go back to him. Yes, she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Yes, she still loved him. But – somewhere at the back of her mind there was a horrible niggling sense of doubt that threatened to cast a shadow over her life. He had left her once. What would happen if he did it again? She couldn’t bear that to happen.

It would be easier to tell him ‘no’. But then would she always live with a constant feeling of regret? If only, she might wonder to herself, if only I had had the courage to take a risk.

She had to do something to take her mind off him. She walked into the kitchen and poured herself some more ice tea. She took her drink out to the terrace and watched the waves for a while. As she observed their rise, their fall, their fury and their peace she made up her mind to spend some time in the dark room. But first she needed to check on her mother. She called her mom’s line and waited, imagining her mother tending some flowers in the garden, looking up as she heard the noise of the phone, putting down her shears and slowly ambling towards the house. She let the phone ring and ring, knowing that it would take her some time to answer. Finally she heard her mother’s voice.

‘Hello?’ She sounded vague, distant.

‘Hi, mom. Are you okay?’

‘Yes, dear. Why?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, you just sounded a little –‘

‘No, I’m fine. Gorgeous day, isn’t it?’

It was the same weather as always in LA, but her British-born mother never could get used to the fact that in California it was sunny every day.

‘Look – I’m going to be working at the beach house today. But I should be back later. Will you be alright?’

‘Gosh, yes. I’ve got so much work to do in the – or what’s the word for it. The, the – ‘

‘The garden?’

‘Yes, that’s right. The garden.’

It wasn’t the first time she had forgotten a word. In fact, Kate thought it was getting worse. And sometimes, when Kate looked into her eyes she saw nothing but emptiness, a blankness that was frightening.