“I don’t want my dad to get hurt. I just don’t want him to be president anymore.”

“Understood.”

“OK, I’m in,” Tessa said.

“Fantastic! Welcome to the Brotherhood of Unstoppable Liars, Lowlifes, and Intimidating Enemies of Society!”

“That’s what you want to call us?” Tessa muttered. “Shouldn’t it be something scary and intimidating?”

“How about if we just call you the BULLIES?”

“The BULLIES,” Tessa said, savoring the name like a spoonful of ice cream. “I like it.”

“Muffin?” Miss Information asked, offering another treat from her tray.

This time Tessa picked a muffin and took a bite.

TOP SECRET DOSSIER

CODE NAME: BREEZY

REAL NAME: NIGEL PUNJAB

YEARS ACTIVE: 2005–09

CURRENT OCCUPATION: OWNER OF NIGEL’S HOUSE OF NICETIES

HISTORY: NIGEL’S FAMILY OWNED A

VERY POPULAR INDIAN RESTAURANT

SPECIALIZING IN SPICY DISHES

OF LENTILS, POTATOES, AND

CAULIFLOWER. SO NIGEL HAD

INTENSE AND OFTEN FRIGHTENING

GASTRIC ISSUES. IN FACT, THE BOY

WAS SO GASSY, HE BARELY NEEDED

ANY NANOBYTES TO ENHANCE AN

ALREADY POWERFUL POOT. HE WAS

AN INVALUABLE MEMBER OF THE

TEAM, SINGLE-HANDEDLY STOPPING

THE INFAMOUS FLOWER POWER

CRIMINAL RING. NIGEL

RETIRED SHORTLY AFTER

HIS FAMILY CLOSED THE

RESTAURANT AND OPENED

A HALLMARK CARD STORE.

UPGRADE: BREEZY’S UPGRADES

TURNED HIS ALREADY FORMIDABLE

FARTS INTO HOUSE-LEVELING BLASTS

OF WIND AND STINK. MANY OF HIS

FARTS WERE CAPABLE OF REACHING

AN F2 LEVEL ON THE NATIONAL

WEATHER SERVICE’S TORNADO RATING.

Ruby woke the next morning with her parents and baby brother hovering over her bed. They looked sweaty and nervous. Even Truman the dog looked anxious. He buried his furry head under her blanket.

“They’re here,” her mother whispered. She looked terrified.

Ruby could hear someone pounding on the front door.

“Who?”

“Our family,” she said. Her father pressed a finger to his lips. “Be quiet. They’ll hear you and come after us.”

“They’re early! I haven’t finished the bathroom schedule or color-coded the snacks!” Ruby whispered.

“They took us by surprise.” Her father was actually whimpering. His panicked eyes darted from the door to her windows.

Ruby heard someone knocking on the back door.

“Just stay quiet, and maybe they’ll go away and come back later,” he said.

Without warning, a mob appeared outside Ruby’s window and gaped at her family. They smiled and laughed and tapped on the glass.

“Surprise!” they cried.

Ruby’s mother cringed and opened the window.

“You’re early,” she said.

“We couldn’t stand to wait another second,” said Grandma Rose.

“Oh, Ruby, you’re so grown up!” said Aunt Suzi.

“Hey, Rubester! What grade are you in now?” Uncle Kevin shouted.

“Sarah, you look like you’ve put on some weight.”

“I hope whatever we’re eating tonight is kosher.”

“Can we come inside? I gotta use the can.”

“I have to get out of these shoes.”

“I call the bathroom for the next half hour.”

“Sarah, I noticed a Christmas tree in the window but not a menorah.”

Aunt Laura poked her head through the window. “Francis, you are celebrating Christmas, right? It’s not just the candles and the little wooden tops this year?”

“Laura, they’re called dreidels,” Ruby’s father said. “And yes, we celebrate Christmas. We also celebrate Hanukkah.”

“Of course you celebrate Hanukkah!” Grandpa Saul chimed in. “Who needs a holiday that is only one day long? Hanukkah lasts eight days! It’s simple math. More presents, right?”

“Yes, every kid in the world dreams of a handful of stale chocolate coins,” Aunt Suzi said.

“All right, let’s not start the Battle of the Best Holiday. You’ve only been here five minutes,” Sarah said.

“Technically, we’re not here until you let us inside,” said Cousin Finn.

Ruby’s family shared a brief but conspiratorial look that said, We could just close the window and go back to bed, but then Sarah flinched.

“Of course. Come around to the front door and we’ll let you in,” she said.

“Traitor,” Ruby grumbled.

“At least you get to go to school,” Sarah said. “Your father and I took the day off to get everything ready. Now we’re stuck.”

“We all need to work together. Mom, call the deli on Hamilton and get some bagels and lox over here for breakfast. When you’re done, start pouring coffee and juice. Dad, I need you on pancake duty.”

“OK. Where’s the batter?”

“The cabinet over the stove, second shelf, next to the flour. Blueberries are in the crisper, bottom shelf of the refrigerator. Syrup is in the condiment caddy on the door. If you get lost, there are charts posted everywhere, or you can check the family guide I made that’s attached to a chain swinging from a kitchen table leg. I’m on toilet paper duty. If Grandpa Saul called dibs on the bathroom, we need to be prepared. Truman and Noah, you’ve got the toughest job of all—you have to be cute. Turn on the adorable, and maybe everyone will forget how much they can’t stand one another. Any questions?”

Little Noah burped. “Gooby-moo-moo.”

Ruby clapped her hands. “Good. Team Peet—let’s do this!”

Ruby’s family sprang into action.

Soon the members of her extended family were filing into the house like clowns stepping out of a tiny car. When hats, coats, gloves, and galoshes were taken, hugs, kisses, and pats on the back delivered, and updates on everyone’s bad knees, agita, and high blood pressure were announced, the family eased into a slightly tense camaraderie fueled by food. Ruby had learned the hard way that these two, loud, obnoxious clans were a lot easier to manage when they had snacks in their mouths.

According to her parents, the tense relationship between Sarah’s and Francis’s families had started right away. For Sarah and Francis, it was love at first sight; but for their families, it was a nightmare of biblical proportions. Francis was a Boston-born Protestant raised by a huge family of big, strapping folk who loved to eat, shout about the Red Sox, and argue with one another in a way most people might find threatening but that they referred to as “chatting.” Sarah’s family was Jewish and from Long Island, New York. Their loudness rivaled that of the Peet family, plus they were die-hard Yankees fans and claimed to be freezing no matter what temperature the thermostat was set at. Sarah and Francis tried to accommodate everyone with a Christmas tree and a menorah, but each year someone would say something that offended someone else and all the holiday cheer would turn into a holiday fight.