I’d rarely seen him so dejected and part of me hated it because I knew how deep his self-loathing could go. But the bigger part of me wanted him to hate what he’d done. What he’d almost had me do.

“I don’t want anyone other than you. Ever,” I said. “I don’t want or need to experience a threesome. Yes, I enjoy playing in public, but that’s an entirely different thing and they are not related.”

I wanted to tell him to grow his petty, jealous self up, but decided that would be pushing it since I didn’t handle Charlene all that well. He could, technically, tell me to do the same thing.

“I’m taking a shower and going to bed,” I said, then left him with hands on his knees, looking as though his world had just fallen apart.

Chapter Fourteen

NATHANIEL

I didn’t sleep that night. For a long time I sat on the couch, thinking about how badly I’d fucked up. Abby had been having fun and dancing. If I hadn’t still been irritated over Charlene, I’d have joined her. As it was, I stood watching her dance with other men and grew more and more agitated by the second.

Abby was a beautiful woman. Of course she’d captured the attention of the crowd. And yes, her dancing had been on the risqué side, but hell, we were at a BDSM club and people were having sex not twenty feet away.

I’d acted out of anger and that was something I should never do. Abby’s trust in me was far too important and precious for me to jeopardize it with anything less than my full self-control. I’d gone too far tonight and I didn’t know how to make up for it.

After a while I went into the bedroom. She hadn’t closed the door, so I peeked in and saw she was sleeping. But it was more than that—she was sleeping in one of my white dress shirts. The sight of her in bed, in my shirt, with the knowledge of what I’d almost had her do, struck my heart as if someone had stabbed me.

I knew she loved me. We’d had difficult times in the past and we’d always worked through them. I just wasn’t sure she liked me very much at the moment. I didn’t like myself very much.

I knew all too well that it took only a mere whisper of doubt to bring down something it had taken years of trust to build. My heart ached with the knowledge that there might be a whisper of doubt in Abby’s trust in me now. I only hoped I could make it right before it did irreversible damage to what we’d spent years building together.

When she’d first left me right after our relationship had started, it crippled me. But now, if anything happened to us, it would do more than cripple me. It would destroy me completely. Before I’d only been with her for a few months. Now we had years of shared experiences, heartaches, and joys. And I’d been a damn fool to risk all that for nothing. Nothing.

When it became too much to think about, I turned my focus to the upcoming meeting with Daniel. The Partners in Play group trusted me, too. And though Abby was far more important, I’d made a commitment to them and I needed to be prepared.

I’d told Daniel I had my list of suggestions ready and we’d planned to spend an hour or so going over them. We’d originally thought to have both Julie and Abby with us. Their thoughts and ideas as submissives—one newer in her journey and one with more experience—were needed on all accounts. Abby knew my suggestions; she’d helped me with them. Together, we’d talked about what we needed to put in place to make group members feel safe and secure. I pushed aside the thought that maybe the group needed to get rid of me. After all, who really wanted to listen to me after what I’d put Abby through hours earlier?

The list of my suggestions blurred before me, and my stomach hurt. It was impossible to concentrate on anything other than Abby. With a sigh, I put the list down and picked up my speech. I stared at it for thirty minutes before I realized I hadn’t read a single word. I wasn’t even sure how I’d be able to face the gathering tomorrow, much less give a speech.

The clock said it was four o’clock. Years ago, before Abby entered my life, it was nothing for me to be awake at this time of morning. But when she moved in with me, I’d grown used to going to bed with her and falling asleep listening to her breathe and with her soft warmth surrounding me. The nights became more than a time to sleep or work; they’d become a time to reconnect and revive.

Now the night was lonely and without her in my arms, it was only dark.

I put the speech away. That wasn’t going to be worked on, either.

I went back into the bedroom and knelt beside the bed where she slept. Careful not to wake her, I gently lifted the hair that had fallen across her face.

“I love you,” I whispered. “And no matter what it takes, I’ll make this right.”

She sighed in her sleep. And while I realized that, though there were many things I could put into place or change, there was one item I could take care of right away.

“Where’s Abby?” Daniel asked the next morning. He and Julie had met me in the courtyard where it was quiet. The play equipment had been put away and the only music was the occasional sound of a bird chirping.

“She’s talking with Lynne and the kids.” Much easier to say that than to tell him the whole truth. I fucked up last night and Abby isn’t talking to me. “Julie, if you’d like to see her, why don’t you go on up to our room? She’ll let you in.”

Julie nodded and gave Daniel a kiss before heading upstairs.

“Is she coming down when she finishes?” Daniel asked.

“I honestly don’t know.”

He leaned back in his chair and his eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t look like you slept last night. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. No.”

“Offer stands.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

This morning had been hell. She’d spoken to me only to say she wasn’t ready to talk about anything and that she would let me know when she was. I didn’t have a chance to reply before she pulled out her laptop, slipped on her headphones, and started writing.

And I stood there ready to discuss what I’d done wrong and the decisions I’d made in the early-morning hours, and simply nodded.

Across the table, Daniel took a deep breath. I wasn’t fooling him. He clearly knew something had happened between me and Abby. “Okay,” he said, accepting that whatever it was wasn’t up for discussion. “I know you’ve talked to Luke DeVaan about building a club for the Partners in Play group. What do you think about incorporating the bulk of these changes when that opens?”

My mind had been on nothing but Abby for the last twelve or so hours. Now, forced to think about something else, I felt relieved, but also just a bit guilty. Guilty, because how could I focus on anything with things as they were between me and Abby?

“I think that will be fine.” I forced the situation with Abby out of my head for the moment. “As long as we don’t allow anyone new until then.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking and why I suggested we wait. I think it’d be good for the current members to grow more connected, stronger as a group. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but I think with a stronger group dynamic, everything about the group strengthens.” He shrugged. “I think that’s worth taking a break from adding new members for.”

“In that case, a lot of the other things we came up with will be taken care of by the new building. We’ll have video cameras installed. Someone dedicated to front desk duty. There will actually be a front desk. All doors will have built-in windows so rooms can be checked at any time. And there’ll be a separate aftercare area.”

“I really like the things you’re adding to the new building. This is exciting.”

“And, like Abby pointed out to me, it’s important that you and Julie won’t be burdened with the responsibility of hosting the group so often.”