Ella was thinking she should get out of there while she still could, but then his arm came around her waist to draw her closer to him, and she was lost, absolutely, positively lost.

She wasn’t going anywhere.

CHAPTER 4

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches

in the soul—and sings the tunes without

the words—and never stops at all.

—Emily Dickinson

Ella wasn’t sure where to put her hands. Or her legs. Or the rest of her, for that matter. He was going to think she’d never been in a bed with a man before, when she had. Not that he needed to know that. She’d never been in bed with a man who mattered as much as this one did.

“Relax, El. It’s just me, your old buddy Gavin.”

That made her laugh. “Right. That’s all you are. My old buddy Gavin.”

“I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through.”

“Gavin . . .”

“Hear me out. You have to know it wasn’t easy for me to walk away from you. It wasn’t easy that day on the beach or when you came here to check on me after I got arrested. At Will’s wedding, all I wanted was to dance with you, to hold you, to touch you. God, you looked so beautiful that day in the gold dress. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

“I’m sorry I said no to you.”

“I wasn’t surprised. I haven’t given you much reason to say yes.” He ran his hand over her back and Ella began to relax ever so slightly. “You know you’re taking on a real fixer-upper here, right?”

Ella laughed at his terminology. “With a little work, I think that fixer-upper could be a real gem.”

“You think so, huh?”

“I know so. But I have conditions.”

“I’m listening.”

“No more bars. No more fighting. A lot less drinking.”

“What else?”

“If you’re spinning, you come to me. You talk to me. You don’t try to drown it out by drinking or fighting or anything else that might be deemed self-destructive.”

“You don’t want me around when I’m in one of the dark moods.”

“Yes, I do. That’s what I’m telling you.”

“Ella . . . You don’t know what you’re signing on for.”

“After all this time you can honestly say that? I know exactly what I’m signing on for, and all your warnings haven’t pushed me away yet. Why do you think that’s going to work now?”

“You deserve better.”

“Probably.”

His grunt of laughter made her smile in the dark.

“But for some strange reason, you’re the one I want.”

“That makes me feel pretty damned lucky.”

“Don’t screw it up.”

“I’m apt to. It’s been a long time since I had an actual girlfriend.”

“Oh, I remember, what’s-her-name. Dalia. Ugh, what kind of name is Dalia?”

His hand slid down her arm to take hold of her hand. “Put away those claws, tiger.”

“Whatever became of her anyway?”

“She couldn’t cope with me after Caleb died. She tried, but eventually she stopped trying, and I didn’t care enough to notice she’d gone.”

Ella couldn’t help feeling a tiny bit sorry for the other woman, not that she hadn’t been glad to see her go. She’d noticed—probably before Gavin did. “There hasn’t been anyone since then?”

“Here and there, but nothing serious. I haven’t had the capacity for serious. I’ve been focused on the business and my parents and just getting through every day.”

“That’s no way to live, Gav. You know that, don’t you?”

“It’s all I’ve been capable of.”

“I won’t ever pretend to understand what you’ve been through since you lost Caleb. I can’t imagine losing any of my siblings, let alone my only sibling. For what it’s worth, the day we lost him was the worst day of my life.”

Gavin squeezed her hand.

“All these years later, there’s still a dull ache in my heart with his name on it. He was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known.”

“Thanks for that, El,” he said gruffly. “Helps to know he’s remembered so fondly by everyone.”

“We loved him very much. But . . .”

“Ah, I knew there had to be a but coming . . .”

“He would hate, absolutely hate, if his death ruined your life. I didn’t know him anywhere near as well as you did, but I know that much for certain.”

His deep sigh served as his only reply.

Ella forced herself to continue, to get this out so they could move on from here. “No one will ever take his place for you, and there’ll be a hole in your life where he should be for as long as you live. Living half a life doesn’t honor your brother’s memory, Gavin. It would make him mad as hell that you aren’t taking full advantage of the years you got that he didn’t to live for both of you.”

“Sounds to me like you’ve been thinking about this for a lot longer than tonight.”

“I have. You know when something happens and you think of the perfect retort after the fact?”

“Yeah.”

“That always happens to me after I see you. I think of what I wanted to say the next day or the next week.”

He released her hand and cupped her face.

Ella waited breathlessly to see what he would do next. She didn’t have to wait long.

His lips came down on hers, soft and sweet and persuasive. “Everything you said is absolutely true.” Another kiss. “He would be mad as hell at me and wouldn’t hesitate to say so. And he’d tell me to get my fucking hands off you and go sleep on the sofa.”

“He would not.”

“Yes, he would. I had a little thing for you way back when.”

A blast of anger took her by surprise. “Don’t say that. Don’t start rewriting history.” She tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn’t let her.

“I’m not rewriting anything. When we were in college and Caleb was hot and heavy with Hannah, I wanted to ask you out. But you were still in high school, and Caleb told me to leave you alone. He said you were far too young and sweet for the likes of me, and he was right about that.”

“No, he wasn’t.” It was infuriating, all these years later, to realize that he’d had feelings for her, too.

“If I had to bet, he was concerned that if I screwed things up with you it would screw things up for him with Hannah. He threatened me with bodily harm if I so much as looked at you.”

“I can’t hear this. I . . . I just . . . I should go.” Before she could make a move to leave the bed, he had her secured to the mattress with the weight of his big body on top of hers, his erection pressed into her belly.

“Don’t go. Please don’t go.”

“All this time, Gavin.” Ella was on the verge of tears that she held back by closing her eyes tightly. “I can’t bear to think of what might’ve been.”

“We’re together now. We have right now and tomorrow and the next day and a fresh new opportunity that I’ll do my best not to royally screw up.” He kissed her again, more intently this time.

Ella wrapped her arms around his neck and opened her mouth to his tongue. Her emotions were all over the place, but when he kissed her so passionately, she couldn’t think of anything but right here and right now with the man she’d craved for so long. His kisses set her on fire. She curled her legs around his hips, seeking relief for the ache that grew with every sweep of his tongue.

Seeming to sense what she needed, he rocked against her. Then his hand was between them, unbuttoning the shirt of his that she wore.

She should stop this before it went any further. Neither of them was in any way prepared for this to happen, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop it. Not when she’d wanted him so badly.