But my mother’s voice rings in my ears. He needs you.

I hesitantly walk toward the high-pitched cries and push the door open slowly. Sam is walking with Kai, holding him tight against her chest. She doesn’t notice me enter at first, and I quietly observe her. How can she stay so calm and focused while Kai is obviously in excruciating pain?

She sees me and gestures that I take a seat in the rocking chair. “I don’t know about this…” I say and begin to back up toward the door.

“He’ll be okay in a minute. I just changed his diaper and he’s a little overstimulated.”

I sit in the chair and it feels uncomfortable. It’s not as plush as I expected it to be, and I make a mental note to buy a new one. Sam sleeps in this chair, and it can’t be comfortable for her.

Her left hand moves in a smooth circular motion as she rubs Kai’s back. His crying has stopped, but she continues to walk slowly around the room. I’m tense waiting for her to bring him to me. I look down at my hands, wondering how I’m going to hold him.

She approaches me and smiles. “You okay?” she asks.

“No.”

“Put your arms out and place your right elbow on the armrest.” I do as she says and she bends down slowly, transferring Kai into my stiff arms. “Try to relax. He’s very sensitive and will react to your rigidness.” I can’t relax and only stiffen my arms more. I’m surprised by the weight of him as my arms sink a little. He feels heavier than he looks. Her hands are no longer on him, and she places them on my shoulders, pressing down gently but firmly. I look up at her, surprised.

“You need to relax. Drop your shoulders and the tension will leave your arms.” She slides her hands from me and sits on the ottoman that she’s pulled close to us.

Kai squirms a little, and I look down at him, making eye contact for the very first time. His eyes are wide open and he’s looking right at me. My heart stops when I see the innocence and light in his eyes. He’s depending on me, and I’m his lifeline right now. I’m overcome with… I don’t know what. This isn’t a moment I ever envisioned happening. I’m holding a child. My son. This is so surreal, and I’m afraid I’m doing everything wrong. Sam places a hand on Kai’s head, stroking gently. “He sees you,” she says softly.

I can’t take my eyes off of him. He looks so content. Relaxed. I focus on taking deep, even breaths. I don’t want to jostle him, causing him to cry or become uncomfortable. Sam’s presence is soothing and I begin to relax. How does she have this power over Kai? Over me?

“Hey, buddy,” I say quietly. He blinks and purses his lips, like he’s about to blow a tiny little bubble.

“He’s hungry,” Sam says, and she places a warm bottle into my hand.

I look up at Sam and her eyes soften. “Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through it.”

She places her soft hand over mine and helps guide the bottle toward Kai’s mouth. The tip touches his lips, and he opens his mouth so he can eat. His eyes close immediately and he begins sucking on the bottle like his life depends on it.

“See how easy it is?” Sam asks and removes her hand from mine. She looks down at Kai affectionately.

“Now what?” I ask, and my nerves start to take hold of me again. “Am I feeding him too much? Has he eaten four ounces yet?”

“Not yet. He can’t eat that quickly. He’s probably only taken an ounce. Let’s give him another minute or two and then you’ll need to burp him. You’ll do that a couple of times before he finishes that bottle.”

Burp him? Shit.

“I don’t think I can do that.”

She walks over to one of the dressers and takes out what looks like a small white towel. She places it on my shoulder and settles her hand over mine again, helping me pull the bottle out of Kai’s mouth. He immediately starts to whimper, and my body stiffens along with his.

She helps guide my hands and Kai so he’s positioned against my upper chest and his head on my shoulder. His whimpering starts to turn to weak cries. Sam rubs his back, patting softly. “Do what I’m doing,” she instructs.

I replace her hand with mine and pat his back lightly. “You can do it a little harder. You won’t hurt him. Just alternate patting and rubbing.”

I continue the pattern and feel Kai stiffen under my hand. Suddenly, the loudest burp comes from his tiny mouth. I feel the vibration from the belch against my chest, and I let out a sigh of relief. It smells like sour milk and I look up at Sam. “Is that normal?” I ask.

She giggles a little and shrugs her shoulders. “The burp or the smell?”

“Both,” I say nervously.

“Yes, although that one was a little loud, even for him. You’ll get used to the smell.”

I scrunch my nose and breathe through my mouth so I don’t gag.

“Now what?” I ask. Kai begins to whimper again.

“Move him back to your arms so you can feed him some more.”

I follow her directions, and he’s positioned and ready to take more from the bottle. Sam hands it to me, and I place it back in his mouth. We repeat the same pattern three more times until he’s finished the whole thing.

After his last burp, he becomes limp and settles comfortably against my chest. Sam brings over a crescent moon-shaped pillow. She places it under my arms gently, giving me extra support. I relax a bit more and take a deep breath.

“He’s really taken to you. I can’t believe how smoothly that went,” Sam says, clearly surprised.

“I’m shocked,” I say.

She sits on the bed across from me and folds her legs in front of her like a pretzel. “He looks like you,” she says and smiles.

“Yeah?”

“You have the same exact eyes. Right down to the incredible lashes.” She blushes, like she regrets telling me she’s noticed my eyes.

“I don’t see it,” I say, pretending her comment didn’t faze me.

“Should I lay him back down?” I ask.

“No, keep him like that for at least twenty minutes. Since he has GERD, he should remain upright so the acid reflux doesn’t make him uncomfortable.”

“Okay.”

My breathing becomes slow and regular, in perfect sync with Kai’s. He’s out cold, and I’m thankful for that. It was amazing looking into his eyes earlier, but I worry that when he’s awake, he’s more likely to feel that pain that is constantly moving throughout his body.

“You’re not going to leave me alone with him, are you?” I ask, terrified of her answer.

“Let’s not worry about that yet, okay? Let’s focus on getting you more comfortable just holding him. Like I said, everything else will come in time, and soon you’ll be a natural.”

I begin to rock slowly in the chair, and I’m amazed when I feel Kai relax even more. He brings his tiny hand to his mouth and begins sucking on one of his knuckles. “Is he still hungry?” I ask.

“No, that’s just something he does.” She smiles and watches him intently. “How do you feel?” she asks, her gaze traveling to me.

“Fucking terrified,” I say, and her eyes widen. I’m terrified that I’m going to do something wrong. Terrified that I’m going to hurt Kai. Terrified of being a bad father.

“It’s going to be okay,” she says, and I want to believe her.

I’m tense again, and Kai starts to stir. I feel his back arch against my hand and his entire body stiffens. “What’s happening?” I ask as I sit up straight.

Sam jumps from the bed and quickly swipes him from my arms. “Shh, shh, shh,” she whispers in his ear. She rhythmically pats his bottom as she walks back and forth across the room. His cries subside and I’m thankful. I don’t think I could listen to those piercing high-pitched screams from earlier.

I stand up and move over to the bed. I try to relax, kicking off my shoes. Sam sits in the rocking chair and cradles him in her arms.

“You don’t have to stay,” she says. “He’s going to be asleep for a few hours. Lesson number one of baby boot camp: always sleep when your baby sleeps.”