Am I ready to go back to work?

Can I pick up where I left off?

Will parents trust me with their sick babies?

Can I leave Kai?

Can I leave Garrett?

Questions without answers swirl in my head, and I need to decide what my future holds for me. I need to get back to doing what I was born to do. I have nothing left here to fix. Kai is perfect and happy. He’s on track to a healthy and normal life.

I turn in the water and swim to the edge. I see Olivia’s letter on the table and pull myself out of the pool. I wrap a towel around me, paying particular attention to dry my hands and fingers. When they’re dry, I open the envelope.

I tense as I unfold it, unsure of what I’m about to read.

Dear Samantha,

For months I’ve been at a loss for words, and now that they have finally come, I needed to contact you.

Thank you.

It must seem strange that I’m saying these words to you, but I mean them from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you.

When Benjamin was born so early, I had no hope that he would survive. He faced so many problems, and being premature was just the tip of the iceberg. His lungs were underdeveloped, his heartbeat was erratic and his brain was bleeding in more than one place. His chances were slim. Dr. Hagan was always honest with me about this. We never talked percentages, but she prepared me for the worst.

And then you arrived. You ignored the numbers. Ignored the monitors. Your care for Ben was unwavering and you did everything in your control to make sure he kept breathing for just one more day.

One more precious day.

You gave me something that I was lacking, and that was time. Every day that you cared for him, was another day that I had to see him breathe and live.

So thank you, thank you, thank you.

You allowed me to spend time with my son when he had so little of it left on this earth. It was my time with him, and you gave that gift to me.

And then it was my husband’s time.

Ben wasn’t meant to spend his days with me here. He was meant to be with his father, in Heaven.

I’m forever grateful to you, Samantha, and for the memories that you helped me create with my son.

Yours,

Olivia

I’m sobbing as I finish the letter. She’s thanking me? Forgiving me?

I drop the letter onto the pavement and slide into the water, allowing it to swallow me whole. I open my eyes underwater and see clearly to the other end of the pool. I let the air out of my lungs and I scream. The water absorbs my voice and distorts it into a garbled blur of sound. I don’t know how long I remain submerged, but when my lungs burn for air, I push myself up, gasping and breathing. The pool house is silent except for the sounds of the softly splashing waves made from my movement.

I don’t deserve her forgiveness.

Tears mix with the chlorinated water on my face, and I swim again. My arms cut through the water like sharp knives, and the muscles in my legs burn. I don’t know how many laps I do, but when I’m finished, the sun is setting. My fingertips are pruned and I’m exhausted.

I try to relax and roll onto my back, letting the water carry me through the pool.

Olivia’s letter shocked me, but it also opened my eyes. I did give her time. I did everything in my power to keep him alive for as long as possible. When Jim initially contacted me to tell me that I was no longer suspended, he told me that a new vein in Ben’s brain had started bleeding and ruptured. He was dying and we didn’t even know it. He went into heart failure and cardiac arrest. The fluid in his lungs was not from the feeding tube, but from the heart failure. I felt relief and despair at the same time. Of course, I know now that I didn’t actually kill him, but I hadn’t recognized the fact that he was already dying.

Her words ignite my desire to get back to work. It’s what I should be doing, and now I know it’s something that I have to do. Kai no longer needs me, but many other babies do.

I continue to float. I know my parents won’t answer me, but I need to ask them anyway. “Am I making the right decision?” My voice echoes in the pool house.

My heart tells me that I am.

Garrett

Present

Villanova, Pennsylvania

Age 27

I WALK UPSTAIRS AFATER I MAKE SURE everything is ready for tonight. We have eight more songs to record for our album, and we’re hoping to finish at least two or three more. Our goal may be a little out of reach, especially if Tristan can’t stay focused. His ADD always brings the rest of us off the rails.

Kai’s monitor stays silent, and I’m thankful that he’s been sleeping better lately. Over the past two weeks, it’s a rare occasion when Sam or I have to go in during the night. Although she would prefer to sleep in his room, I’ve convinced her to sleep in the guest room across the hall.

I look out at the pool and see Sam slumped over on the pavement. She’s sobbing and holding a piece of paper in her hands. She drops the paper and slides into the pool, disappearing beneath the water. My gut tightens, and I rush toward the door, trying to get a better look at her. Why is she crying?

I see her emerge, and she starts furiously swimming laps. Her legs and arms are tight, and she’s flying through the water like an Olympic swimmer. She looks majestic and scary at the same time. I can feel her intensity from here. I continue to watch her until she exhausts herself. She rolls onto her back and closes her eyes and floats.

I know better than to bother her during her swimming sessions. It’s her private time. Her temporary escape from life. I watch her float to the stairs, and she rights herself. As she exits the pool, she looks calm. I turn away so she doesn’t catch me spying on her private time.

My mind races with our discussion earlier. She decided it’s time to go back to work, and I’m not ready for her to go. We need her.

I need her.

The back door opens and she walks in, her smile back.

“How was your swim?” I ask.

“Enlightening,” she says and slides an envelope into her bag.

“What’s that?” I ask, knowing I’m invading her privacy.

“A letter from Ben’s mom.”

She told me about the mishap with the baby she was caring for in the NICU who eventually died. His death was the reason she was suspended from work. They realized that she didn’t make a mistake and asked her to come back right away. She declined because Kai was so sick then. She’s ignored their requests to come back since, and officially took a leave of absence from work. I’m so thankful she did because she helped Kai and me immensely. I don’t believe he’d be where he is today without her. But I feel so guilty. Sick babies need her, and she hasn’t made a move to leave.

“Wow. That’s unexpected, huh?” I respond, and she nods.

“She thanked me.” Sam’s eyes fill with tears, and now I understand why she was sobbing before.

I pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms tightly around my waist and buries her face in my neck. Tears flow onto my skin and I hug her tighter.

“Why are you crying?” I ask, my lips grazing her ear.

“I don’t know,” she says and sniffles. She begins to calm down, but I can’t let go.

We stand toe-to-toe wrapped in each other’s arms, neither of us making an attempt to move. My breathing is in tune with hers, and I don’t want to let her go. “It’s my turn,” I whisper in her ear, letting my lips linger.