He was the only reason I let people fuck me. Never again! I will never bow to another single person. I will never bend over for another man or let another woman climb all over me. I will never submit again.

“Jack?” River sounds cautious and she should be. I’m not a little puppet anymore!

I hear her come closer and I growl, “Stay away from me!”

She stops somewhere behind me and then she whispers, “Sophia told me about David. I’m so sorry, Jack.”

“She shouldn’t have!” I snap under my breath.

“What they did to you,” she sucks in a deep breath before she carries on with a tear filled voice, “I’m so sorry, Jack.”

“You said that already.” I get up and stalk over to her. I need to let go of this consuming anger and hatred and she’s the perfect target. “You pretend to be different. You pretend just like Cameron and David pretended. You’ll use me just like they did! You’re a monster …” I suck in some air before I hiss out, “You are just like them.”

She folds her arms around herself, as if she’s trying to protect herself from my words. “I’m not,” she snaps back, her façade of patience gone. “I am nothing like those monsters and don’t you ever dare compare me to them!”

I take another step closer to her and I spit the words out, one for one, “You are just like Cameron!”

She spins around and walks away from me, “I’m not doing this with you. You’re looking for a fight with the wrong person.”

She takes a few steps but then swings around again. She stalks all the way back until she’s right in front of me. “I’m nothing like Cameron,” her voice cracks with emotion. “My mother was sold too! She’s somewhere out there and I can’t find her, and it kills me a little every day.” She points to the bonsai trees I planted today. “These plants … they were bought with the money my father made off his slaves. I also grew up seeing people being raped and beaten every single day.” She sucks in gulps of air and then tears spill over her cheeks. “I’ve never raped someone. I’ve never beaten someone. I haven’t so much as touched someone without their permission. I use the money my father made from his slaves to save people. I’m giving it all back.” She hisses, “I’m not a monster.”

River turns away from me and then runs off into the dark night.

~*~

That night I can’t sleep. With the lights off, I stand in front of the window staring into the dark night. I’m trying to process everything she told me. Her mother was also a slave?

I spot movement in the garden and see that it’s River. She’s walking towards the chapel. I quickly put on some clothes and then run to catch up with her. I follow behind her, not sure what to say to her. I feel bad for the way I behaved this afternoon.

She doesn’t go to the chapel. When she gets to the river she sits down, just staring out over the water.

“I was fourteen,” she suddenly whispers. “I made the choice of having sex with one of the stable boys. I knew it would only be a matter of time before father sold me.” I walk closer and then sit down next to her. “My first time was awful and it hurt. We didn’t know what we were doing. But none of that mattered. I just wanted to get rid of my virginity.” She starts to pick at the grass, pulling out one blade after the other. “He found out.” She looks at me, tears making her eyes shimmer like the water in the river. “Jack, he got so mad! He made us have sex again. It … it was horrible. He watched all of it. I’ve never felt so degraded in my life, and then as the boy came father shot him. There was blood everywhere. I felt as he died, his body going limp on top of mine.” She wipes at the tears and then her shoulders hunch forward and she starts to sob. “Because of me that boy died.”

Her father betrayed her like David betrayed me. I now understand her a little better. I stay with her and eventually she stops crying. We both just sit and stare into the night. A lot has been said between us. It feels like I’ve connected with her in some way.

~*~

The next day everything is back to normal and our fight is forgotten. I spend the day working with the bonsai trees. They need a lot of patience and care. I need more manure for the plants, so taking the wheelbarrow I make my way over to where the cattle are. I shovel some into the wheelbarrow and then stop when I hear something. It’s coming from the building.

I walk closer and when I hear the familiar grunts of someone having sex I go cold. I find myself standing in the doorway and my eyes sweep through the building. There’s lots of hay everywhere. My eyes dart up and then I see them. I think their names are Maddie and Christopher. The longer I stare at them, the more I release that what they are doing is different from what I’m used to seeing. Christopher is on top of Maddie, and he’s looking at her with such a soft expression.

He slides into her softly and slowly, and her body arches up into his. She’s holding onto his arms, while making sounds of pleasure. I watch as she comes and then he follows. He doesn’t get up and dismiss her, but instead holds her, whispering to her.

I quickly leave, before they see me. I’ve seen hundreds of people having sex, but never in my life have I seen something like that. Never have I felt like I was intruding on something I shouldn’t be seeing.

Trying to digest what I just saw, I go back to shoveling manure into the wheelbarrow. I go about my day with the couple dominating my thoughts.

I now have my dinner in the kitchen with River. We’re just about to eat when the couple from the barn comes in. I duck my head, scared that they’ll find out that I watched them.

Once they’ve left the kitchen, I relax and start to eat my food.

“How was your day?” River asks.

She asked me the same question yesterday as well. “The same as yesterday.”

She laughs and then says, “I know you did gardening, but I’d like to know what you did.”

“Oh.” I cut a piece of the chicken and pop it in my mouth. While chewing I think on what to say. I swallow and decide to go with something safe. “I trimmed the bonsai. I watered them. I needed some more manure for the new pots, so I went to get some.”

I feel my cheeks flush as thoughts of the couple having sex in the barn flash through my mind.

“What?” River asks.

There is a soft smile playing around her lips. I lean closer to her and whisper, “I saw a couple having sex.”

She frowns and asks, “Did it upset you … seeing that?” She takes a bite of her potato while I think her question over.

Did it upset me? I don’t think so.

“No, it didn’t.”

She’s just taken a bite of her chicken and asks around a mouth full of food, “Did it turn you on?”

Again, I think hard and then answer, “No, but I think they broke my cock.”

She chokes on the sip of lemonade she just took. I pat her back lightly and when she recovers she looks at me very seriously. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it doesn’t get hard anymore.”

She places her knife and fork down and pushes her plate back. She crosses her arms on the table and asks, “How did you get it up then?”

“They gave me pills to take before a party or meeting.”

Her eyes go wide. “Oh … I see. So, ahh … when last did you get hard by yourself?”

I sit back and I have to think hard. “I think it was a few months ago.”

“And orgasms?”

I drop my head in shame and whisper, “The Saturday after the party.”

I feel her hand on my chin and she nudges me to look at her. “Why are you hiding from me, Jack?”

“I’m ashamed.”

She drops her hand and shakes her head. “It’s not your fault, Jack. None of what happened to you was your fault.”

“It was the one thing she couldn’t get from me. I was proud of myself every time I left a meeting without coming. But that night I just couldn’t hold out. She made me come twice and…” I drop my head again, feeling another wave of shame engulf me.