Watching him struggle like this is shredding my heart to pieces.

He stops and takes a shuddering breath and then he hisses, “They are going to pay for what they did to me! I want them all dead. That’s the only way I’ll be able to live with myself.”

Tears flood my eyes and roll over my cheeks. There is no sign of the sweet Jack from the past few weeks. This is a totally different man standing in front of me.

“Why now?” I ask. “What changed?”

He keeps moving, his actions jittery as if he’s on a high. “The fire,” he snaps. “I want them to burn the same way they burned my mother.”

I cover my mouth to keep the sob back. I wish I could just wipe all his pain away. I swallow hard fighting to keep my emotions under control. “It won’t bring her back, Jack.”

He stalks right at me and Adam moves fast. We all end up standing in a close circle. The tension in the room can be cut with a knife.

“I watched them burn her,” Jack hisses. He slaps his right hand hard over his chest. “I’m the one who was beaten. I was raped. I was used and abused for any sick fantasy they had!” His voice keeps climbing and I can’t keep the tears back. I know he’s been through horrible things but I never dared to think on them, until now. “I was degraded and betrayed.” He turns away from me and snaps, “They will pay! They have to pay.”

I choke the words out, “Your brother too?”

Jack stalks back to me and roars with anger, “Especially him!” He takes a step back and sucks in a shuddering breath and then he whispers, “Especially David and Cameron. To them I was nothing but a way to fill their bank balances with. I want it all to burn down around them and then I want them to die.”

“Jack,” I whisper hoarsely. I hate seeing him suffering like this but I’m scared he’ll hate himself if he goes through with this plan. “Killing people … it’s not just flipping a switch and they’re gone. You’re killing humans … taking another’s life. That’s a huge deal.”

Jack shoves both his hands into his hair. “They’re not human. No human will have a nine year old boy gang raped. They are monsters and they deserve to die like monsters.”

I cover my face and sob out loud. I can’t keep the emotions inside of me anymore. It’s all too much to listen to. I’ve seen firsthand what Jack must’ve endured. I’ve seen what it looks like when they break a slave.

Sobs rob me of my breath and I double over from all the raw emotions slicing through me.

“I’m doing it. Nothing you can say or do will change my mind.”

“What about the other slaves that live there?” I cry out. “They are innocent. You can’t just kill people!”

Jack shakes his head hard. He won’t listen to reason. “I would rather have died a thousand deaths than remain a slave. The slaves are just as bad as Cameron and David. I’ve seen then hurt each other. They killed the weaker ones! I’ve been raped and beaten by them so many times! They tried to kill me every time a guest would favor me. That house is filled with monsters! They all deserve to die! I will do this with or without your help.” Through my blurring vision I see Jack storm from the office.

Adam’s arms go around me and he lets me cry against his chest. “Let the man have his revenge. It’s what he needs to feel that he did something to fight back. It’s the only way he’ll be able to have some self-respect.”

I nod against Adam’s chest. I understand what they’re saying but it doesn’t mean I have to support it.

~*~

Chapter Twenty One

Jack~

I’ve been rebuilding the stables. Adam told me to give him some time so he could get everything we’ll need to see my plan through. By ‘everything’ he meant he needed time to gather everything we’ll need to set the place alight.

Every time I see him I feel a slither of excitement thinking that he might have everything ready. I’m on a rollercoaster of rampant emotions, all wavering between shame and rage.

River tried to talk to me again, now I avoid her. I can’t give her a split-second gap to try and change my mind.

Am I doing the right thing? Hell, I don’t know.

Am I doing the rational thing? Not by a long shot.

Do I care? No. All that matters is that Cameron, David and all the rest of them cease to exist. As long as they’re breathing, I will never find rest. I’ll be worrying if they’ve found a new boy to torture. I’ll be haunted by the memories.

This is the only thing I can do to stop this madness.

I might have been living in a trance since I got here, but I also found some kind of peace and I want it back. I don’t want to be a little boy, still stuck in the past. I don’t want to be the man who was tortured for most of his life.

I just want to be Jack. I want to be able to experience freedom, love and peace with all of my heart.

I don’t want to be just a fuck. I want to be a man River can love.

~*~

“Jack!” Adam waves at me as I’m passing by his house with another load of wood for the stables. I leave everything right there and run to him.

Excitement starts to pump through my veins as I follow him inside.

“I’ve managed to get everything. We’ll be making homemade bombs. There’s a pair of gloves.” He points to the counter in the kitchen and I quickly go to put them on. He takes a deep breath and then looks hard at me. “Are you sure, Jack? Once we make these bombs there’s no turning back.”

I nod quickly. “They have to pay.”

“Well then, let’s get started.” Adam has canisters, glass jars and old pieces of cloth scattered over his kitchen floor.

“We’ll be making what some call a Molotov Cocktail. It’s easy to make and to use.” I nod, taking in every word Adam is saying. “You take a jar. Fill it half with gasoline, quarter oil, and then you add some Styrofoam.”

“Why Styrofoam?” I ask curiously.

“It will help the mixture thicken. When we throw the jar the Styrofoam will also help the mixture to stick to everything.”

“That’s good.” I grab a jar and watch as Adam again repeats what I must do, but this time he also shows me.

“So, you take a jar and fill it half with gasoline.” He works carefully, not spilling any of the flammable liquid. “Then add the oil, only a quarter.” Again, I watch as he carefully pours it in. He breaks a piece of Styrofoam into smaller pieces and then puts all the pieces in the jar. “Now you take one of these old shirts and place it over the mouth of the jar. Screw on the top and there you have it,” Adam holds the bottle for me to see, “our first bomb.” He lightly pulls at the long piece of material sticking out from the jar. “Make them all this long. This is what we’ll soak in gasoline when we get there. You just set the soaked cloth on fire and throw the jar,” he pats my shoulder, “then, my friend, you run like hell.”

~*~

After I’ve showered, I find Adam in my room. I haven’t been sleeping by River since the fire. I need the space and I’m sure she needs it too.

I close the door behind me and wait for Adam to speak. He’s standing with his back to me when he says, “We leave in one hour. Don’t tell anyone. Just meet me out front by the station wagon. I have already loaded all the bombs and extra gasoline.”

I nod as he turns around and leaves the room. As the door clicks closed behind Adam, my heart starts to beat frantically.

Finally! I’m going to have my revenge.

An hour later I sneak out of the house, making sure no one sees me. I run to the station wagon and get in the passenger side. Adam is already waiting.

As we leave the plantation I look back and my eyes automatically go to River’s window. I see her standing there, her arms wrapped tightly around her. Before guilt can start to eat at my conscience again, I look away.

For the first few minutes we drive in silence. When the silence gets to be too much, I ask, “Why didn’t you blindfold me? I heard that you blindfold everyone.”