“Okay. A lot. But it’s not a big deal, right? The swelling’ll go down if I take an antihistamine and ice those babies.”

“Do you know what bit you?”

“A spider. I squished it when it fell out of my shorts.”

“It fell out of your shorts?”

“Yeah. I was chilling on the dock after dinner, checking my emails, ’cause it’s peaceful out there, and the reception is decent.” I don’t know why I’m explaining. What I was doing isn’t important. It’s the state of my balls that matters.

“If you were on the dock, it was probably a fishing spider. It’s hard to know for sure until I get a better look.” She snaps on a pair of gloves. “This is a pretty extreme reaction, though, possibly because of the location. Do you have any allergies?”

“I’m only allergic to penicillin.”

“Ah. That could explain this.” She motions to my huge balls.

“An allergy to penicillin can explain my nuts turning into grapefruit?”

“The spider venom has similar properties to penicillin. It means you’ll have a more significant reaction.”

My giant balls do seem damn significant. I glance at the clock on the wall; it’s already after eight. “How long do you think this is going to take? I need to go to the campfire tonight; the kids are expecting me. Tomorrow morning we’re playing kids-versus counselors before their parents pick them up. I need the swelling to go down so I can play.” Plus there’s going to be some local journalists stopping by, as per Amber’s suggestion.

“We can get your teammate to cover for you.”

“I don’t need Randy to cover for me. I want to hang out with these kids and play hockey and roast banana boats on an open fire. Just give me some antihistamine and a couple of painkillers. I’ll be good to go.”

My man unit is still hanging out. Nurse Debbie is still staring. I can understand why. I’m gonna snap a couple of pics before the swelling goes down because they’re so crazy huge. I’ll threaten Vi with them if she gets on my nerves.

Debbie crosses her arms over her chest. I should know better than to tell a medical professional what she needs to do. “I need to take a better look at the bite before I do that.”

She makes me put my legs up on the cot and spread them. It’s an awkward, exposed position, way worse than look to the left and cough. She gets right in there and fondles my fuzzy, burning balls. Then she makes me roll over on my side and lift a leg. It’s like a porno, except not arousing at all. I consider how uncomfortable these positions must be for the chicks who star in the hardcore movies.

The longer she’s down there, the more worried I become. My biggest concern is that some spider has mutated into a highly venomous ball biter and moved to Canada. It’s not logical; almost all of the most deadly spiders are found in Australia. Getting here means crossing an ocean on a twenty-four-hour flight.

I calm my anxieties by reviewing the list of Canada’s most dangerous creatures while Nurse Debbie pokes at my balls. Moose are lethal if they walk out onto the highway and run into a car. Beavers get territorial over their wood. Bears are bears. I’m not sure about the rest of the animal population here. I guess it’s tame, like the people.

Eventually I’m allowed to sit up. Nurse Debbie hands me a sheet to cover my business.

“As suspected, it’s a fishing spider bite. It won’t cause lasting damage if it’s treated properly, but with your allergy to penicillin, it’s definitely worse than it should be. Plus the location is sensitive, as is the tissue there. I’d like to do a blood test to rule out toxicity, and I’ll give you something for the swelling and pain. I’ll need you to come back in a couple hours so I can check again, and then again tomorrow morning before I can clear you for games.”

“It’ll be fine by morning. I’ve taken a puck to the balls before, and my junk works fine. No stupid spider is going to get in the way of me playing tomorrow.”

“If I don’t clear you, you can’t play.”

I’m about to plead my case, but she puts up her hand. “I deal with athletes with medical issues for a living. You can argue with me until you’re blue in the face, but if I tell you it’s not safe to play, it’s not safe to play. You’ll find another way to do what you came here to do.”

“Come on, Debbie. It’s the last day.”

She puts one hand on her hip and points at my sheet-covered crotch with the other. There’s an obvious bump. “You only get one set of those. They’re not car parts. You can’t replace them. It’d be a shame if nothing worked because you decided to be stubborn, wouldn’t it?”

I consider what she’s saying. I’ve had so many hockey injuries; ninety percent of the time I’m fine in a couple of days. Sure there’s residual pain. Sometimes there are creaks and cracks that shouldn’t be there, considering I’m only twenty-three.

The occasions when it takes longer to heal, I dial back the workouts, do some physio, swim instead of run, and take the required herbs and supplements to get my body back in order. The possibility that my man unit might not work the way it’s supposed to thanks to a spider bite is some scary shit. I’ve just started using it again. I need to make sure I’m functional when I see Sunny, which I’m hoping is soon.

I expel a heavy breath. “Okay. But let’s do what we can to make this better as quick as possible. I want to make tomorrow count. Plus I’m supposed to see my girlfriend, so the faster things are back to normal, the better.”

“You’ll need the better part of a week to recover from that bite.”

“Yeah. That’s way too long.”

“We’ll discuss options after the blood tests.” She slips out through the gap in the curtain, leaving me alone.

I take out my camera and snap a few pics of my swollen nut sac. From below it looks massive, and my dick looks average. It’s not flattering. I may not show this to anyone.

I tap into the Wi-Fi and check my messages. I still haven’t heard from Sunny, which is a bit of a pisser considering dickfaced bearded wonder has been posting pictures, again.

I send her a text. I can’t tell if autocorrect is screwing me or not, but I can’t listen to it because of the kid beyond the curtain. I mention the posts from Patchy Bushman. I’ve been dealing with this for less than a week, and I’m already frustrated with it. I hate this feelings crap. For the first time since fifth grade—when I got my stupid nickname—I’m insecure. Today can suck my gigantic balls.

Next I search the Internet for images of fishing spiders. I shudder as countless pictures pop up on the tiny screen. Those things are huge. I’m almost positive that’s what bit me. Because I’m curious, and sometimes stupid, I add the word bite after fishing spider.

“Holy fucking shit.” I clamp a hand over my mouth. That Michael kid is out there, and I shouldn’t swear in front of him. Then I start to hyperventilate. The bites featured are right out of a horror movie. I’ll be lucky if I still have my balls when this is over.

Nurse Debbie comes back, and I hold the phone up. “You said the damage wouldn’t be lasting!”

She takes the device from me. “That’s a brown recluse bite, not a fishing spider bite.” She clicks on another picture and hands me the phone. It’s bad, but not nearly as terrifying. Still, it’s my balls.

Nurse Debbie takes some blood and offers me painkillers and a strong antihistamine.

“How long do you think it will take for the swelling to go down?” I put my shorts back on. Tucking everything in is a feat.

“It depends. It could take several hours or a few days.”

“A few days? Is there any way to make that happen faster?”

She taps her pen on the clipboard. “Antihistamine injections work faster than taking them orally.”

“Do you have to inject it into my balls?” I can’t hold back the shudder.

She laughs. “Oh, God no! The arm or the butt works best.”