“Probably not,” I say. “But thanks.”

She drops her gaze to the ground, and her smile looks like it’s fading.

“Mom,” I say.

She lifts her head back up. “Yes, sweetie?”

“Rain check?”

Her smile comes back. She nods and leaves me to be by myself, and I don’t feel quite so bad about turning her down anymore.

I close the door and sit on the bed with the plate in my hand. It’s pork chops and mashed potatoes. I take one bite of the chop and a few of the mashed potatoes and look behind me to see a salivating dog.

I put the plate onto the floor. He jumps down and scarfs the whole dinner down in a few seconds. And I thought I was hungry.

I sip my soda and sit back on the bed. Czar licks the plate clean, and then he walks over and sets his head on my knee and looks up into my eyes. He’s so weird. I pet him for a moment, but my mind is off in other places.

What just happened with my mom? Not that I don’t want her to be kind to me. To show me she loves me. But it doesn’t make sense why she would do this. Why now? Why not years ago?

And why does it matter so much to me? Luis came for me at the station and suddenly I was ready to do anything to make him love me. And now my mom brings me a little food and I’m ready to go eat apple pie?

I guess the difference, though, is that she never sold me. She never left me.

I left her.

I crawl into bed and get under the covers like a little kid. Czar jumps up and lies next to me, his back just barely resting against my leg. I close my eyes and try to stop myself from crying.

I rub Czar’s side absently. After a moment, he rolls onto his back so I’ll rub his stomach. He must be getting more comfortable with me.

It was probably the food. They say a way to a man’s heart is his stomach. Must be the same for dogs.

I scratch his tummy, and his paws go up in the air goofily. I mostly stay up toward his chest, ’cause it’s a little creepy to go any lower, but that doesn’t stop me from noticing something.

Czar, supposedly a boy, doesn’t have…well, boy parts.

My parents named a girl dog Czar. I can’t help but laugh. As if the name wasn’t bad enough. Her paws are pushing in on me now, but I just shift a little and it’s fine.

“I think you need a new name.” I pause and think. “How about…Zara?”

Her ears perk up a little, and I take this as a yes. It’s pretty and close enough to her old name that she’ll know we’re talking to her.

My stomach growls. Even if I don’t really want to face my mom, I probably need to eat something else. And apple pie sounds amazing. Czar—excuse me, Zara—watches as I move across the room and sneak a peek out the door.

I listen and hear only some clinking dishes in the kitchen. I’m not sure I really want to expose myself just for apple pie, but I take a deep breath and venture out into the hall.

I see my mother alone, doing the dishes.

“Is that offer still up for the apple pie?”

She looks up. I almost gasp. Her face is red, like she’s exhausted from crying, but she smiles when she sees me.

I walk up and sit at the counter. It’s a small one, with two stools that barely ever get used. But it allows to me to watch as my mom pulls out the half-eaten pie from the fridge. She cuts a slice and puts it in the microwave. She looks at me, as though considering something, then pulls out the vanilla ice cream.

If I were in New York, ice cream on top would cost extra. I don’t know what this gesture costs her, but I can’t help but be grateful for anything I can get.

She cuts out a piece of pie, carves out two perfect circles of ice cream, and places them all on the plate.

She hands me the plate, then goes back to her dishes. She scrubs and rinses each dish by hand. They have an expensive dishwasher; I don’t know why she doesn’t use it. Guess she likes the work or something.

She doesn’t say anything, and she’s doing the same thing I did when she brought dinner to my bedroom. She’s hiding her face. Is it just me or is that a smirk I see on her face?

I take one bite—

And the taste hits me hard. It’s so good there are no words. I haven’t had real apple pie in so long.

It’s perfect, exactly what I need. So satisfying that the question’s out of me before I can stop it.

“Why did you bring me back here, really?”

She drops whatever dish she was working on into the murky water, but she doesn’t look up. Maybe now’s a bad time. She really does seem exhausted.

“A lot of reasons, Anna.” She still doesn’t look up. She’s staring down into the water like she’ll find something she’s been looking for there. Or maybe so she doesn’t find what she dreads, something she’ll see if she looks at me.

Will she see the daughter she lost? Or worse, will she see a whore where the daughter she always wanted is supposed to stand?

I could leave the room before she answers. But I hesitate, and that gives her enough time to respond.

“Because you’re our baby,” she says. “You’re supposed to be here.” Now she looks me in the eyes. Only a moment, but long enough for me to see that her eyes are full with tears. Then she turns around and leans on the counter. “Because we want to help you.”

“Don’t you mean fix me?”

Now she turns back. “Not fix you. Just help you be better.”

Those are the words I was afraid of. “Because I’m not good enough like I am?”

Her eyes go wide. “No. No, that’s not…” She takes a deep breath. “I just want to help. That’s all.”

I shrug. Maybe I do need help. I’m just not sure yet what that means.

“Good night, Mom.”

I stand up to leave but pause and actually consider reaching out to touch her. My hand twitches, but I pull it back. I’m not sure what I want, or what to do. I don’t know how to be a good daughter.

Finally, I give up and turn away from my mom, hoping she can see that I don’t hate her. Hoping that maybe things might be getting better, after all.

When I open my bedroom door, the dog lifts her head, on alert. Then she sees me and her tail twitches, almost a wag. Does she like me?

I sit beside her and stare at the door. She stretches over, almost taking up the whole bed now, and licks my hand.

Maybe she does like me.

Or maybe she tastes the apple pie and ice cream.

I pet her again, then get undressed, flick off the light, and slip under the covers. She curls up next to me, and before long I’m almost hanging off the bed. I need a bigger one with her here. But at least I’m not alone.

Chapter Fifteen

I put Zara back outside at the ass crack of dawn, before my parents even get out of bed. They’d be pissed if they knew she’d slept with me, but it felt good to have her there. It’s so simple with her. No confusion about what she wants, what she has to give. She wants to be petted and fed. She wants me. When I let her go outside, I’m already thinking about tonight and if I’ll be able to get her back into my room again.

I get dressed quickly and head out the door to school, a little less scared than I was yesterday—but not by much.

If you asked me a few days ago what I thought about school, I’d have given you a clear answer. I hated it. But now? In some ways, it’s everything I was afraid it would be. The cool kids punishing everyone else. People like Jen and Jackson have every right to enjoy their suburban life, but people like Marissa and her stupid boyfriend have to make it horrible for them.

Jackson deserves better. He stood up for me in front of his friends, even if they were more right than he knows.

I’ve never met someone like him. He has some pain in his past. Being cheated on and made fun of for it, losing his mom, that all had to be terrifying. But he doesn’t show it. Ever.

So when he sits next to me on the ride to school, I give him a smile. I don’t look at him, and he doesn’t speak, but I’m glad he’s sitting next to me.