“It’s going to be okay,” Luis said to me afterward, when the tears rolled down my cheeks. “This is only temporary. The money is so good, it’ll help us get where we need to go. We can be happy together forever. We just need that jump-start. You can give that to us.”

“But the things I have to do…”

“It’s nothing,” Luis said. “It’s just sex. Sex is a good thing. Do you know how many people would kill to make money on sex?”

I shook my head. I didn’t understand it. But Luis’s voice was so comforting and kind, everything made sense when he said it…

“Those guys pay for it,” he said. “You get the money. That’s not even fair to them. You are in one killer win-win situation.”

I imagine his voice, the way I could almost feel it on my skin like a warm blanket. It wiped away every bad feeling.

Somewhere along the line, it all went wrong. I know that. But he had to have cared at the start. Because if he didn’t, it means that it was all worthless. It means he stole everything. It means everything—everyone—I did was for nothing. All the men. All the johns.

I did all of it for Luis.

And if he was just using me…I can’t even consider it.

I refuse to turn on the light. Instead I lie down on the twin-size bed. It used to be the perfect size, but now I feel the wall pressing in on my side.

I close my eyes, but sleep won’t come.

Luis. Is he thinking of me? Does he regret what happened?

I picture his smile. I remember how easy it was to give in to what he wanted. How easy it was to trust him. Nothing mattered except Luis and how I’d do whatever it took to be with him. Forever.

What a load of shit.

Chapter Six

It will officially be Monday in two hours and counting. Monday means school. Not exactly the most comforting of all thoughts.

I could run away again. But it’s not just the thought of failure that makes me stay in bed. My mom finally spoke up for me. It was small and might not mean anything at all, but I can’t get it out of my head.

I wish she had the courage to run away, too.

When I finally pull myself from bed, my eyes are heavy and dry. Great, I’m going to look like a crack whore on my first day of high school. Guess it’s not far from the truth.

I try to dress according to my mother’s fashion sense, not that I have anything to work with that she wouldn’t approve of. In my family, like it or not, you always have what you need. I pick a pair of jeans, a blue top, and a scarf. I don’t look like me, but I’m not supposed to, right?

I stop at the end of the hallway when I hear my parents around the corner, at the front door. My father must be on his way to work.

“I don’t care what Sarah thinks is best,” he says. “Taking it easy on Anna is what got us into this mess.”

“I know,” she murmurs. “But what she said last night. Maybe we could take it easy on her for a while.”

“And then what? Break it to her that there are rules she has to abide by?”

Like I could ever forget. I knew there were conditions to coming back. But damn, does he have to lay into her so soon?

“I just think maybe we’ve…maybe we’ve been too hard on her,” my mom says.

Dad’s voice grows louder. “Don’t think you’re fooling me with this ‘we’ talk,” he says. “I know you blame me. You always blame me. Well, it’s not me who coddles her. It’s not me who let her think she could get away with whatever she wanted. All I did was try to be a good father.”

If it was anyone else, I’d think it was just him getting emotional, but he’s always so calculated, I have to guess he’s saying that so loudly because he wants me to hear all the way from my room.

“That’s not what I mean,” Mom says, and her voice gets so soft that I want to run back to my room, where I can try to forget how often this happened before I ran away.

He said she always blames him, but it’s always the other way around. She can’t complain about anything without him turning it around.

“Oh, here we go again,” he says. “What you ‘mean.’ I know what you mean.” There’s a long pause, then he says, “One of us is ready to put our emotions aside to get Anna back in line. You better decide if you’re going to help me. Because if I come back tonight and you’re still giving me this nonsense, I swear to God, Nora…”

The door closes, and I rush back down the hallway as quietly as I can. I wait a few minutes, then come back down, stomping on the floor to let her know I’m coming.

When I come into the kitchen, she’s at the sink, staring at the dishes but not actually touching them. Her eyes are red, but to her credit, she puts on a smile when she looks up at me. I want to say something, do something, but she’d say something if she wanted to talk about it, so the best I can think to do is be nice enough to play along with her like everything’s okay.

I convince her to let me walk to the bus myself. I considered having her drive me, but I figure I’m better off pretending to be as normal as possible.

She even gives me a banana for breakfast before I leave. Then I head out the side door, because apparently my mother likes to have the dog chained to a pipe in the foyer at night. Makes her feel safer, she says. How does she expect the dog to protect her if she doesn’t ever do anything to protect it in return?

The bus is pulling up as I approach the stop. Part of me hopes the driver will leave before I can board, but he waits for me.

Everyone gets quiet as I walk on. I speak to no one, just slink down into a seat by the window and watch as the stupid suburban houses, people, and cars fly by. It’s nice, surprisingly enough. Almost like looking out the window on the subway in Brooklyn.

Then someone sits down beside me with a thunk, like he wants to be noticed. It’s a boy. A strange, cool calm fills me when I recognize him. The boy from next door. Jackson.

He leans back in the seat, comfortable, his head high, his shoulders back. The complete opposite of my sunken-down position, knees pressed to the back of the seat in front of me. I’m hiding; he’s hoping to be seen.

I’m close enough to him now to see why he’s so confident. Tall, skinny, wearing thick-rimmed glasses that look more chic geek than Clark Kent. His eyes are hazel and actually really pretty. He ought to be a typical nerd, but he’s anything but. Smooth skin. Perfect teeth. The guys I met in New York, I was lucky if they’d bathed and brushed their teeth in the last few days.

But this guy… He smells clean. And he came and sat next to me, like he had nothing to lose. He nods to a young-looking kid—has to be a freshman—as he passes to find another seat, and the kid beams back at him. I’d call Jackson cocky, but his smile is quiet, so sincere that his confidence can’t be anything but charming. It’s almost like he chooses to wear glasses and a collared shirt just because he likes them.

“Anna, right?” His smile is big and bright, so sincere that I envy him for the perfect life he must have.

“Yeah,” I say, but my smile doesn’t come as easy as his.

He gives me that look again. The innocent, curious look that tells me he doesn’t see the truth, he doesn’t see the brokenness. To him, I’m a blank slate. A stranger. A mystery to be solved.

I don’t know if anyone has ever looked at me like that. My parents certainly don’t. Luis never did. Even Sarah doesn’t. They see someone who needs to be rescued.

But this boy’s eyes are so light and alive, and I realize that this is a fresh start. Not the tainted reboot my parents and Sarah are offering me. A true fresh start.

He doesn’t have to know about my past. He doesn’t have to know that I’m more messed up than he’d ever be able to comprehend.

To him, I can be just Anna. Not ruined or broken or tarnished or pathetic.