“Yeah, ‘cause I’m sure it was such an easy choice for you to make.”

She pushed herself out of the chair and walked to the screen, leaning over on the railing and stared out at the water. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. You don’t have a clue. No one does.”

She was right. I couldn’t fathom the idea of handing over my newborn to be raised by someone else. I didn’t trust anyone in the world enough to handle that responsibility. But I did know something about loss. “Tell me then.”

She glanced over her shoulder. “Tell you what?”

“All of it.” I motioned to the porch and the quiet of the night. “It’s just us, Mols. Let it out. Tell me everything.”

She stood quietly for a moment before taking a deep breath. “I don’t know where to start.”

I shrugged, rolling the bottom of my beer around on my leg, never taking my eyes off her. “The beginning is always a good place.”

She glanced down at her hands, then back up at the water visible through the screen, but I had a funny feeling she wasn’t seeing anything but visions of days past. “I was seventeen and my dad had just died when I found out I was four months pregnant,” she started with a sigh, shoving her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and flapping her elbows around nervously.

“I wasn’t a very popular kid in high school; I was the choir geek. My parents owned the farm and I helped out as much as I could. Between that, music classes, and keeping my grades up, I didn’t have time for parties and jocks like most girls did. Plus, you’ve seen my pictures.” Her shoulders arched around her ears as if she was defending her reasons. She didn’t need to defend shit to me, though.

“I was obsessed with this boy Kevin. There was something about him that made everyone pay attention whenever he was around. When he started noticing me back, me, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. He was funny and smart and edgy and a star soccer player. I wouldn’t have made it through my dad’s death without him.”

She adjusted, holding her arms over her chest. “Instead of running when two little lines showed up on that pregnancy test, he held my hand and promised it was going to be okay. We went to a clinic and they confirmed it. I was too far along to abort the baby, so our options were simple: keep it or give it up for adoption.

“I didn’t have the traditional home, but Kev? He was fucked. His dad was a drunk. A washed-up prick who enjoyed making everyone around him feel inferior. My parents went broke paying my dad’s medical bills, and Kevin’s parents weren’t an option, so adoption it was. We spent hours dreaming up the family we wanted our little one to have, making mental checklists and hoping he or she would have a future neither one of us could even imagine. The first time I felt the baby move, I started having second thoughts.”

I would never forget the first time I felt little feet push against Julie’s belly. That was the second it had become real for me, the moment I knew I was going to be a dad. I instantly felt bad for the lost teenager she’d been.

“I made the mistake of calling Roxy one night, hoping for guidance. She belonged to the same church as Kevin’s parents, so instead of keeping my secret, she told. The next morning, Kevin and his dad showed up at our house, Kev sporting a black eye and a fat lip mind you, his dad demanding that my mother get ‘control of me.’ He said that I would give away his grandbaby over my dead body. I was a dumb kid, pissed off at the world because my dad wasn’t there to stand up for me and because Kevin was being punished for something that wasn’t his fault. So I told him to get off my property. I got in his face, screamed things I can’t remember. And then…he punched me.”

“He did what?” I growled, gripping the brown bottle in my hand so hard I was surprised it didn’t shatter.

She didn’t turn around, but shook her head. “It was a long time ago, Mike.” She sighed again. “It worked out for the best. My mom rushed me to the emergency room, and even though everything was fine, I told them it wasn’t. I told them all I lost the baby. I went home and got into bed, waited until my mom was asleep. Then I ran.

“I knew Anneslee would help me, but I didn’t want her involved. So I went to this church shelter in the city that Kev and I had read about. They took in pregnant teens and matched them with couples who wanted to adopt. I lucked out. Patrick and Kathleen Jones were everything that Kevin and I had wanted for our baby, and they were kind to me. They were perfect.

“I didn’t give a single second thought from the day I met them until I heard him cry for the first time. The other girls at the shelter told me not to hold him, not to even glance in his direction, but I couldn’t do that. I needed to see my baby, just once.” She took another deep breath, and I could hear the emotion cracking in her voice. She was on the verge of tears.

“As soon as the nurse put him in my arms, it was instant. The love I have for him. I almost didn’t go through with it. I held him nonstop for two days, positive that I’d die if I let him go.”

My breath caught and my fingers curled into fists involuntarily. I didn’t recognize my own voice when I finally asked, “You held him?” I was angry that she would torture herself that way. The moment you hold your child for the first time, the world stops turning and you know you’ll do anything for that little being.

She turned, leaning her ass against the half wall, and nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I sat in my hospital bed with him on my lap, refusing to sleep, because I knew if I did, they’d come get him.” Her voice caught, and she swallowed roughly as she swiped her hands roughly across her face. “I just stared at him, talking to him about nothing, telling him that I loved him and that I was sorry. Then, when it was time, I let him go without a fight.” She cleared her throat and her face hardened. “Someone like you could never understand.”

“Someone like me?” I echoed. It was a fucking joke, really. She only nodded. I reached behind me, yanking my billfold out of my pocket. It made a loud ‘thwap’ when I threw it onto the table. “You were right before. My wallet is full of pictures. Pictures of both of my kids.”

Molly’s head snapped up, confusion replacing the anger and sadness. She opened her mouth, but no sounds came out.

“Yeah, kids. As in plural. Two children. If you look in there, you’ll see a man who was helplessly in love with both his son and daughter. For almost four years, I loved that little girl, was everything a dad should be. Then I got hurt, and I had to go away for a little while. When I came back, she was no longer mine. While I was in a fucking desert hellhole on the other side of the goddamn world, my wife had been fucking another man—a married man at that—for years and had gotten knocked up. I fought for a little while, tried to keep my family together, and then one day I gave up.” I snapped my fingers. “Just like that. No explanation, no notice. I just walked away. You gave up a baby. I gave up a little girl who still calls me Daddy and doesn’t understand why I don’t spend any time with her.” My heart constricted as I pictured her face looking up at me as the nurse handed me the little pink bundle minutes after her birth. “You tell me who the fucking monster is, Mols. Because it sure as shit ain’t you.”

Molly cupped her hand to her chest, as if it could stop her heart from hurting. “Mikey.” She moved away from the railing, forgetting her drink, and reached for my hand as she sat in her chair. “I never realized Janet was your daughter.” I didn’t correct her, because for a little while, Janet had been mine. “Do you get to see her?”

I shook my head. “Sometimes. Not as much as I should. I didn’t want to for a long time. It hurt too much.” I’d never admitted that to anyone. Instead, I let everyone believe that Julie had told me not to visit, that it had been her choice to shut me out. In reality, it had been too fucking painful.