When the knock on my apartment door came minutes later, I braced myself, knowing I was about to make my mother cry.

She wanted a key, but I always managed to ‘forget’ to get one cut. Before opening the door, I looked through the peephole at her for a few seconds, enjoying the fisheye view as she impatiently awaited entry. The optical lens made her head appear abnormally large and her eyes bug-like. Her stern features were distorted, transforming her into a crazy caricature.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door.

“Well, it’s about time, Juliette,” she huffed, storming past me into my apartment, which suddenly felt very small. “It’s rude to let me stand out there waiting.”

“Hello, Mother.” I rolled my eyes.

“Don’t use that tone with me. I’m very upset.”

Here we go, I thought to myself.

She dropped the stack of bridal magazines on the coffee table and sat down gracefully on my lounge. She nodded her head towards the other chair. I complied with her wishes, knowing it was best we were both sitting down for this conversation.

“Richard and I are worried about you,” she began. “He thinks you’ve lost sight of what’s important and you really need to sort yourself out.”

“Richard thinks that, does he?”

“Richard is a very smart man, Juliette. He takes care of all the tricky money side of my foundation. I’m so lucky to have him. We’re so lucky to have him.”

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I can’t be with Richard anymore and I certainly can’t marry him.” I looked at the floor and steeled myself before looking her in the eye. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” Mother asked, going pale. “Don’t be so ridiculous, Juliette. Richard is the best thing to ever happen to you.” After a few-second pause where neither of us said anything, her eyes narrowed as she leaned forward and went for the jugular. “After everything I’ve done for you, you owe me. I need this.”

I stood up and started pacing, unable to sit still for a second longer. “I don’t love him, Mum. Sometimes I don’t even like him. How can you want that for me?”

“Sit down, Juliette. I don’t know where all this is coming from, but I don’t like it. Has it got something to do with the muscled-up bartender?”

I stopped pacing and turned so I could look her right in the eyes. She needed to hear this.

“This is about me. Me!” I clutched my chest. “This is to do with me not wanting to be with someone I’m not in love with. And this has to do with you being far too invested in every aspect of my life. I’m a grown woman and I’m not a puppet.” I took a deep breath before saying the words I’d wanted to say for so many years. “I’m not you, Mum.”

She was already pale, but my words appeared to drain the rest of the blood from her face, and her eyes glazed.

I walked over and sat down next to her. Tears were welling in her eyes, so I put my hand over hers. “I’m not you, Mum. I never have been and I’ll never be what you want me to be.” I squeezed her hand and waited until she looked at me. “You have to see that.”

She was mumbling to herself and refusing to look at me, so I continued my attempts to break through to her. She pulled her hand from mine and started nervously picking at a loose thread on her skirt. I wasn’t even sure if she’d heard anything I’d said. It was unnerving. She appeared to be having some kind of internal meltdown, and I feared her face might crack.

“Sorry, Mum.” I blew out a long sigh, knowing my determination had dissolved in a pool of emotional guilt. “Say something, Mother,” I implored.

“You have more of me in you than you realise, Juliette, but I think enough has been said today.” She stood up and smoothed her skirt down her legs. “You need to cool off. I’ll expect a phone call from you tomorrow apologising for this unnecessary friction. I don’t have time for your immature failings.” She finally looked me in the eye. “Grow up, Juliette. Marriage isn’t all hearts and flowers, and you’re naïve to think it is. Richard is perfect for you and I don’t want to hear another word otherwise.”

She turned and walked towards the door, stumbling a little on the edge of my rug.

Neither of us said goodbye.

For the rest of the day, I tried in vain to escape into my books. Leo was never far from my thoughts, and I kept finding myself reading the same lines over and over, wondering what he was doing at that moment. Was he thinking about me? Did he feel the connection I had felt?

I went to bed that night thinking about my life up to that point. If I looked at the positives, I had a decent job, I had somewhere to live and I had my health. Those were the things I could cling to in the light of day. At night, when everything felt more daunting and inexplicable, I found myself dwelling on how weak and pathetic I felt, allowing my life to be forged by anyone other than me. There was more to me than pretty dresses and polite conversation, but every year that passed me by, I was slipping further and further into that life, and it scared the hell out of me.

I let out the tears I’d been choking on for too long. I sobbed the big, ugly tears I’d always been too afraid to release. The flood gates opened and my whole body started to shake. I screamed in frustration and beat my fists against my pillow.

Chapter Fifteen

Juliette

I called to apologise to my mother the next day like the good daughter I was, but the seed of doubt had been planted in my mind. Was I helping her by pretending to be someone I wasn’t? For as long as I could remember, I’d tried so hard to be what she needed me to be. I loved my mum. I wanted her to be happy, and that’s what always drove me to accept the responsibility of preventing her breakdowns. My need for an adrenaline hit was at an all-time high.

To make matters worse, Richard was become increasingly attentive. He and my mother had clearly talked. I’d exhausted every excuse under the sun to avoid him, but he was waiting outside the gym on Thursday evening after my vigorous training session with Zac.

“How was your class?” he asked after kissing my cheek, appearing somewhat interested for the first time.

“Great, thanks.” I took a deep breath and summoned the energy to converse. “How was your day?” I then summoned further energy to remain present for his reply.

“Fantastic. My speech on Saturday night definitely had its desired effect on the attendees.” He put his arm around my shoulders as we started to walk, and I tried not to flinch. “I’ve signed three new accounts this week, and one of them signed up to the premium service.”

“That’s great. Congratulations.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but I was just irritated. He could’ve been talking about saving baby seals and it would’ve rubbed me up the wrong way though. I had to find a better way to handle it, or my life was just going to get a whole lot harder to tolerate.

As we crossed the bridge, Richard stopped. “I have something for you,” he said as he reached into his pocket.

I stared at his pocket, horrified, because I already knew what it was going to be.

He opened his hand and sure enough, a small padlock lay innocently on his palm. I looked in his eyes, searching for anything genuine or true. I found nothing, and it made my heart hurt. I didn’t want to even pretend we had an unbreakable love and, very clearly, neither did he. Why was he doing this?

“I got our initials engraved on it during my lunch break today.” He sounded proud of this achievement. “Are you surprised?”

“I um… yes. Yes, Richard. I’m surprised. You seemed so against the whole thing just last week. What changed?”

“I don’t want to lose you, Juliette, and if clipping a silly padlock on a bridge helps, I’ll do it.”

And just like that, I wanted to throat punch him. He had completely missed the point on every level, and I’d never felt more depressed about our relationship than I did at that moment.