They raged,

And raged.

I haven’t been gentle either,

Not with them,

And not with you.

My words have spun you around,

Tilted you until you didn’t know which way was up.

Because we’re all a little mad, aren’t we?

You had to know Calla’s head.

You had to be in her shoes.

You had to feel what she felt.

Because it all had to happen in order.

Now you’re at the end.

You’re faced with the darkness,

With the truth.

It looms ahead of you,

So close you can touch it.

Go ahead.

Reach out your finger.

Touch it.

Do it.

DoItDoItDoIt.

I dare you.

Prologue

There’s a fork in the road and even though I see it, I can’t avoid it.

One road goes left, one goes right, and neither of them ends well.

I feel it in my bones,

In my bones,

In my hollow reed bones.

He grabs my hand and we walk…through a tunnel…through a hall… through the dark.

“It’ll be ok,” he whispers.

Will it?

“We have to do this,” he says. “But I’m with you. I won’t leave you.”

I nod because I believe him, because no matter what else, I know that much is true. He won’t leave me.

The room is shrouded in shadows, in flame, in secrets. I step inside, and peer around, and the heat from the fire warms me, warms my blood, and the blood pumps through my heart.

I sing a song of nonsense, and it sings back. The notes echo and twist in the air, and I swallow them whole.

“Come out,” I call behind me, because I know they’re there.

I can’t see them, but they’re always watching.

The eyes appear, inky black, and glistening, and they blink once, twice, three times.

“I can see you,” I announce and it growls and then I’m crushed beneath the dark, beneath the weight, beneath the oppression.

“You don’t scare me,” I lie.

Because it does scare me. It’s followed me my whole life, and finally, finally, I’ll find out what it is.

Why it’s here.

Why it wants me.

Because above all, I know it’s here for me.

I know it

I know it.

The walls around me pulse and hum and growl,

There’s savagery here, there’s grace.

But above all, there’s oblivion and no matter what I do, I will be sucked into it.

I know it.

I feel it.

I’m crazy.

“Are you ready? she asks and we nod, because we aren’t but it doesn’t matter.

She nods and the flames lap, and the words start,

One for one for one.

I fall backwards from the precipice

into oblivion.

The endless

Endless oblivion.

Chapter One

The room swirls white and medicinal, filled with beeps and blank walls and cold skin. Goosebumps chase each other in confusion up my arm, and I gulp hard.

I’m in a hospital.

I’m cold.

I’m afraid.

My dead brother stares at me, his pale blue eyes evasive as he skirts my question. I ask it again.

“Finn, where’s Dare?”

I ask him stiltedly, each word a sword that stabs my heart, because doom invades this room, in every inch, every breath, every moment.

Finn looks away, at the wall, at the floor, at anything but me.

“Dare is….you know where he is, Calla.”

I don’t, though, and that’s the unbearable thing.

My eyes flutter closed and the last thing I see is the white hospital blanket that covers me. I close my eyes against reality, and Finn picks up my hand.

“Cal, you’ve twisted everything around in your head until you don’t know what is real, and what is not. You know where Dare is. You know what is real. You’ve just got to think. You’ve got to face it.”

This hurts, and I hate it.

“I…can’t.” My words are limp, falling onto the bed, tumbling to the floor.

Finn stares at me, into my eyes, into my heart. It pierces me, it grabs me with both hands and doesn’t let go.

“Calla, you can. You’re not me, you’re you. And that’s ok. That’s who you need to be. Please, for the love of God, come back. Just come back.”

My eyes open because his words are confusing.

“Come back from where?”

I’m clearly here in the hospital with him, with my dead brother. I’m already here. He’s the one who’s not, because he’s dead. He’s not making any sense.

He sighs, a soft sound in a silent room.

“Come back from where you are. You’re needed here, Calla.”

“But I am here,” I say hesitantly, because Finn is already shaking his head.

“No,” he says. “You’re not, Calla.”

Clouds surround me and lift me up and carry me away from logic, from reason, from reality. I fight to keep my feet down, to keep from being lifted away, into the sky, across the ocean.

“How do I come back?” I ask, and my voice is like a child’s.

Finn stares at me, and his eyes are blue rocks, blank and shiny and bright.

“You focus. You do what you have to do. You think you have to be me, but you don’t. I’m fine where I am, Calla.”

“But you’re dead,” I almost whimper.

He grins, the crooked one that I love, the one I know like the back of my hand.

“Is that what I am? And if so, is that a bad thing? When you’re dead, there’s nothing to worry about. I’m ok, Cal. Come back. Just come back.”

“I can’t do it without you,” I say firmly, because that’s what I know in my heart.

Finn rolls his eyes. “Of course you can. You were always the strong one, Calla. You always were.”

“But I don’t know how to come back,” I tell him. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t know how. I’m too lost, Finn. I’m lost.”

Finn is unsympathetic though, and his voice is firm.

“Do you know what I always did when I was lost?” Finn asks, and he’s holding my hand again. I shake my head because I don’t, and so he tells me. “I re-trace my steps.”

“But…” my whisper trails off, and so I bolster myself. “But where do I start?”

Without Finn, I don’t know if I want to start at all.

He stares at me because he knows me, because he knows what I’m thinking better than anyone else.

“You start at the beginning, Calla. Choose a point of reference that you know is true, and start there. Don’t let anything get in your way, and don’t try to fool yourself, no matter how much pain you think the truth will cause. Do you understand?”

I do.

But I don’t want to.

“Reality is real,” he tells me sternly. “I’m not. You’ve been given a gift, Calla. Don’t waste it. You have to find your new reality without me.”

“But how can I do that when you’re my point of reference, Finn?” my voice fractures. “How can I decide what is real when you aren’t?”

My chest hurts and I can’t breathe, because every breath I take is one more step that I take further away from my brother.

“You just have to find a way,” he answers, and his words are cool and unflinching.

My tears are hot and I squeeze his hand because no matter what he says, I’m not letting go.

“I’m sorry, Calla.” Finn’s voice is small. His slim shoulders are hunched now and he’s angled away from me.