I had told Brett I was sorry on the phone that night. I knew he wanted to talk me out of ending our relationship, but I wouldn’t let him. The pain that he was feeling—the pain that I could hear in his voice—would eventually subside. He would move on and forget about me, just like I would forget about him. That was the lie I kept telling myself after I’d hung up the phone. I knew if I didn’t that I’d probably let him talk me into continuing our relationship. Every time I thought about him flying through the air on that dirt bike, my mind drummed up the worst-case scenarios. All of which ended with me being alone and hurting beyond repair. I’d barely survived losing Jamie. There was no way I’d make it through losing Brett.

It hurt to tell him that I didn’t want to be with him, but what other choice did I have?

“You are such a liar,” Nora said pointedly. “I know exactly what you’re doing.”

“Oh and what’s that?” I shook my head. Before she had a chance to answer, our hostess for the day returned with a tray of tasting glasses, each filled with the selection of wine the winery offered.

“Okay ladies,” she smirked. “Now for the fun part.” She went on to explain the different reds and whites she had for us. My sister gave me a look that said our conversation was far from over.

I picked up one of the glasses, not even bothering to swirl or sniff it. I had no idea if any of the flavors the woman was describing were there. It was in my mouth and down my throat so quickly that my taste buds didn’t even have time to register.

“I’ll take some more of this one,” I said, placing my glass on the tray. “Or this,” I added, holding up a glass of the red and tossed it back. “They all taste good to me.” I would have emptied the tray, but my sister cleared her throat instead and gave me a reprimanding glare. I wasn’t doing this. I wasn’t going to dredge up something that, in the long run, wasn’t ever going to happen. No matter how badly my sister wanted to talk about it. What was the point?

At the end of the day, Brett would still be doing something that might kill him. He would still be risking his life every time he got on that dirt bike. No matter how much I wanted to be with him. Or thought about him. Which was pretty much every second of every day. Everything reminded me of him. I couldn’t open a book without wishing he was there to help me study. Every male patient looked like him in the hospital. Every song reminded me of our relationship—especially the ones that talked about living without the person you loved. I couldn’t even enjoy a Coke anymore. Plus side, I was going to be thinner for Nora’s wedding without those empty calories, which meant I’d look great in whatever color dress she picked out for me.

“Can you give us a minute,” Nora said with a smile.

“Of course.” Our hostess nodded as she excused herself, probably grateful to get away from the girl downing wine samples like it was her job..

“Go on,” Nora pointed at the few wine glasses I hadn’t drank. “Have another,” she insisted, pulling her dark hair to one side. “You’re a chatty drunk. Maybe I’ll finally get the whole story about why you ended things with Brett.”

“What’s the point?” I argued. “It’s not going to change anything.”

“It might.”

“Nothing I say or you say is going to change the fact that I’m not strong enough to be in a relationship with him.”

“You are stronger than you give yourself credit for,” she replied. “I don’t know many people who would even be able to get out of bed after losing their fiancé, but you’ve managed. You’ve accomplished more in the past three years than most.”

I shook my head. I could already feel my eyes starting to well with tears.

“I mean it. You’re top of your class. You work harder than any person I know. And you’re about as selfless as they come. You can make things work with him if you want. You just have to stop being scared.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know you love him, G,” she said. “I also know that you’re scared because the last person you loved was taken from you, but that’s no reason to punish yourself... or Brett.”

“I’m not punishing anyone. I’m just trying to protect myself. And I’m letting him go now before it’s too late and I can’t.”

How couldn’t she see that? How couldn’t he see that? I knew that he was angry with me and deserved an explanation, but it was easier just to block his texts and calls. I’d made up my mind. There was nothing left to discuss. “I see people die all the time,” I told her. “It’s hard enough to watch families fall apart at the hospital every day. I don’t need to put myself in a situation like that. Not again.” I sniffled. “Just the other day I had to watch a doctor tell a woman that her husband was never coming back. And they had two little ones,” I explained, my tears started to fall as I thought about that sweet little girl I’d taken care of while her mother was saying goodbye to her husband. The little girl who wouldn’t even remember her father. “I don’t want to be that woman, Nora. I don’t want to have to explain to my children that their father is gone. And for what? So he could jump a motorcycle over some stupid hill?”

“You’re already assuming the worst case scenario. You don’t know what the future holds.”

“Yeah well, there’s a pretty good chance with your husband flying through the goddamned air every day, relying on faith and two wheels to keep him alive, that it might happen.”

“You think I don’t know that?” she said. “I do live with it every day, but it doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t give up my time with Reid for anything. I’d rather take a risk than not have him. I’d rather have the wedding and the children and the memories. Wouldn’t you? You’re acting like he’s gone already when he’s right in front of you. Still alive and wanting to build a life with you. You really think you can just let him go? Do you want to?”

“I don’t know.” It wasn’t the answer she wanted but it was all I had. I could see my future with Brett which made it that much harder to imagine it being cut short.

“Wouldn’t you rather be happy for as long as you can now, rather than be alone and sad?”

“I’m not sad,” I told her. “And I’m so busy that I barely have time to think about being alone.” A lie. I constantly thought about him not being with me. I missed the feel of his touch. I missed his kisses. His laugh. Even the way he said stupid things like “gots.” I missed our late night calls and the anticipation of seeing him again. I missed knowing that he was mine and I was his.

The last couple weeks had been miserable. Every night I climbed into bed alone and wished that he was there. Every time I passed a test or had a good day of clinical, I wanted to call him and tell him about it. I wanted to know that he’d had a good day riding, instead of sitting around thinking the unthinkable had happened.

“We all know what you’re doing. The more stressed you are about a situation the more you keep busy,” she pointed out. “I see you’ve added wedding planning to the list of things you have to do.”

“I’m the maid of honor. It’s my job,” I defended, not wanting to tell her that she was spot on with her observations.

“Whatever you have to tell yourself, Georgia,” she said as she rolled her eyes. “You’re missing out on your life and it makes me sad.” The tough love Nora was firing at me had my nerves running on full speed. I picked up another glass of wine and tried to numb the feeling. What if she was right? I mean, I knew she was. Could I live with the regret of not giving it a shot with Brett?

“What choice do I have?” I tossed my hands up in frustration. “Just call him up and say I made a mistake. Oh, and by the way, I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with my anxiety-ridden ass the rest of your life.”

“He would,” she said. “He knew what he signed up for when he fell for you, G. You’re not giving him enough credit. You know he still texts you every day, even though you blocked him?”