Thank God for that. Nadie really is the best mom I could ask for. I'm not even sure my actual mom would be this understanding. This accommodating to me and dad's attitude. Then again if she hadn't died, I wonder if he would've become this dark and brooding. What if that happens to Merrick? What if I can't save him before he does something crazy or out of control? What if Ben's death is the callous that turns him from the full of life soul consuming creation into something I don't recognize? Something so grim and hopeless he wanders into a void I can't reach him in. Why do I feel like it's already starting?

Merrick

Haven't slept. Haven't ate. Haven't done much more than get trapped in memories of Ben and fucked up what ifs. No. Not just the what ifs you're thinking. Not just the what ifs I've been asking since Madden told me, but what if he were here right now? What if he would've cleaned up his act? What if he would've fell in love some day? Had kids? What if he could've had everything I want? What if...what if he would've came with me to leave all this bullshit behind and start over?

The radio changes to “Bitch Better Have My Money” and instantly my shoulders slump.

It's like he can fucking hear me. Can he? Is it crazy to think that he can?

“Oh Merrick,” Azura sighs as she leans on her arms across from me. “You do know that drowning your sorrows in top shelf tequila isn't going to make you feel any better right?”

Relax. I haven't even had more than a fucking sip, which is fucking pathetic. I've been here for hours. I stopped paying attention after the third hour. No telling how long ago that was. Here's a note you might want to write down though. Watered down tequila is worse than regular tequila. Trust me.

I lift my eyes up slowly from the glass I've been staring into.

“That's bourbon.” Her jokes get s a small grin out of me.

Don't point it out.

“Ben hated bourbon. Said it burned too bad. When Triple D made fun of him for it he said 'Doesn't matter anyway. Tequila makes her clothes come off'.” Another smile briefly flashes on my face. “Fucking Ben...”

She sighs again and pushes up her falling glasses. “He was charming in his own...perverted way.”

Curious my eyebrows rise. “You spent time around Ben?”

“I've spent time around all of you,” she informs.

That can't be fucking true. I barely remember running into her other than that time at the pool party and once before when she was stumbling out of the apartment in the middle of the night.

Seeing my disbelief she explains, “Triple D comes in a lot for pre screwing drinks and Madden comes in for post.”

“I...I didn't know my brothers had drinking routines like that or hell, even at this bar.”

“It's a great spot,” Azura insists. “I'm guessing it was Ben who had mentioned this place?”

Reluctantly I nod. “Did he...Did he have a routine here too?”

We have been tag team partners, but we did have time apart. Especially after I met Jovi. Fuck. Maybe I should've never met her. Maybe he'd still be alive.

“Ben popped in whenever. No rhyme or reason. Just...whenever he felt like it I guess.”

“That was Ben,” I mutter under my breath. “Did whatever the fuck he wanted...when he wanted...”

Azura leans in a little closer.

Don't worry. Not that close.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No,” I snap. “I'm so tired of people wanting me to fucking talk about it. What the fuck is there to talk about? He fucking died. I'm fucking alive. There. Talk had.”

Azura gives me a short smile, pats the bar in front of me, and walks away.

Fuck. That was....I'm being...Fuck. I know. She didn't deserve that. I'll apologize. Chill. Chill. I swear. I'll apologize.

My eyes search for where she abandoned me to. It only takes a moment for me to spot her refilling an older man's beer at the end of the bar to the left. His beard is salt and pepper like his hair, his clothes are oil stained much like his skin, and his face looks worn out. Tired from the weight of work. Or maybe life.

Is that what I'm going to look like if I don't get out of here? If I stay behind and manage to stay alive that long?

I watch Azura politely smile at him, the gesture what he seems to need to further relax. Afterward she turns her back to busy herself a good distance from me.

Oh don't say that. I already feel shitty enough.

“Hey,” I call to her. When she glances over her shoulder at me I finish with, “Sorry. I didn't mean to be such a dick.”

Grabbing the glass she had been drying she strolls back towards me. “I know you didn't. I'm not mad.”

Baffled I question, “Really?”

“Really.”

“Most chicks-”

“Contrary to you and Triple D's beliefs, I am not most chicks.”

Do you feel like we missed something?

“Merrick, you're clearly grieving. You probably have a lot going on in that crazy mind of yours. I get that. But why you're trying to numb the pain with tequila a very sweet bartender gave you on the house, instead of your gorgeous girlfriend, is the part I can't figure out.”

Jovi...Beautiful, sweet, understanding, til death do us part Jovi. I should be with her. I wish I was. She spent the morning looking at cars with Nadie and then girl time or some shit this afternoon with Hayli. Packing for her move. I'd be over there if her father wasn't home. At least I think I would be. Should I be?

On a long exhale I shake my head.

“Okay well...you can either talk to me, as a totally unbiased opinion or....I can walk away and pretend to rearrange the liquor again.”

I lift my glass to my lips. “You're surprisingly kinda pushy.”

She shrugs. “It's been a long day.”

“Tell me about it,” I mumble. After a brief pause I cave, needing someone's opinion besides my own. “I'm a McCoy-”

With a wink she interrupts, “Obviously.”

“We party. We race. We...we live on the edge. We're fucking loyal to each other. No matter what. But I don't wanna do it anymore. I want out. I wanna live a different life. In a different place. With...well with...”

“With Jovi.”

“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “And I was going to. No problem. I was gonna tell my brothers, 'fuck this, I'm out' and now...now that Ben's gone I just...I can't. I feel if I ditch them now, I'm not just leaving them, but abandoning them when they need me the most.”

“Almost like they'd be losing another McCoy.”

“Yeah. Exactly. I feel they'd start talking shit about betrayal. Make me feel like I'm turning my back on the people who raised me. Who've saved me. Who've....”

“Who've turned you into the man you are?” Azura fills in.

I nod.

“Don't you think they might be understanding? Or even grateful that they have one less little brother to make sure comes home alive? One more little brother that's not in jail or has a gun to his head?”

Oh...been there.

“Maybe your brothers would be happy that you'd finally be safe and happy.”

Valid points? You really think so?

A short hum comes from me before I tilt my head. “Maybe....”

“You haven't told Jovi how you're feeling, have you?”

Quickly I shake my head and have another sip.

She's understanding. Too understanding. So understanding that I don't know if she'd even tell me she really wanted me to come with her. To be with her. To keep our marriage going. No...we're not married yet. Two days to go. Two long fucking days.

“I suggest you tell her. Hell, tell them all. Give them each a chance to accept or deny the thoughts you're going through. Don't decide for them what they think.”

“You've got a point.” I put the glass down at the same time she leans back on the bar. “A girl as smart as you should be more than just Triple D's....well, what day of the week girl are you?”