"Funny. He's a nice guy." I'm irritated with Elliot. He shows up, ruins my date and then makes fun of the situation. "Why are you here?"

"I don't know. I got in the car to go for a drive and I ended up here. I thought it was about time I visited." His answer was rushed. He's lying to me.

"I call bullshit. What's really going on?" His face falls when he realizes that I'm not buying what he's trying to sell me. He should know better. He's never been a good liar, especially when he's trying to lie to me. I know him too well and I've known him too long.

"I talked to Luke today and he pissed me off so I went for a drive and ended up here."

Just the mention of his name has my spine tingling. "What's going on with Luke?"

"He's being an asshole as usual. He asks how I'm doing, what I'm up to and when I tell him he gets on my case about everything. He pissed me off, that's all. I needed some air." Whatever happened between the two of them is still festering. I hear the frustration in his voice, the anger, the concern. It's all there, spinning around, mixing together. He loves Luke, they've always been close, but he's not happy with him.

"Oh! Well, you're welcome to stay here for the weekend if you want. Felicity had to go home for a funeral. I pick her up from the airport on Sunday night." I don't really want him to stay here if he's going to be like this all weekend, but I also miss him terribly. I'm glad he feels like he can come to me when he's upset, but a phone call would have had the same effect. I could have talked him off the ledge and he could have saved himself the drive.

"I don't know. I have plans with some of the brothers and there's a party tomorrow night. I'll probably head back in the morning." He's skirting around the issue. Something else is going on. He's avoiding eye contact. I want to press the issue, but I can tell that whatever is going on between him and Luke is bigger than a fight. If he wanted to tell me, he would. At least, I hope that he would tell me.

We spend the rest of the night vegging out on my bed, watching made for TV movies and eating popcorn. I try to make small talk, but he's not interested. I'm getting one or two-word answers so I stop trying. It feels like our friendship is falling apart by the time we head to bed. I'm almost in tears. Things were fine the last time we talked. They were fine before whatever happened on the phone this afternoon. It makes me wonder what Luke told him. Did he say anything about me? Things are changing between us and I don't know how to stop it. I can't throw life in reverse.

If I could just pinpoint the moment our paths split, his moving in one direction and mine in the other, maybe I could fix whatever feels wrong right now. Maybe I'm over thinking things. Maybe whatever is wrong with him has nothing to do with me.

I roll over, putting my back to Elliot and attempt to fall asleep. I hear him moving around behind me, but I don't roll over. When I hear his voice and the words that come out, I freeze.

"He misses you, Reagan. I don't know why and he won't tell me what happened, but he misses you. I wish I had the courage to tell you. I hate him for loving you. He doesn't deserve you."

My heart soars higher than it has in a long time. Knowing that Luke misses me, that he cares for me. It stops and sinks when the meaning behind Elliot's words sink in. Luke told Elliot. I'm not sure what he told him but he had to tell him something. But, why wouldn't Elliot want me to know? Why would he hate Luke for caring for me? Unless... Shit! Elliot cares about me like that, too.

Thankfully Elliot takes off early the next morning to head back to Columbia. Big things are happening, he kept saying. He had to get on the road as early as possible. I was more than fine with him showering and hitting the road. I didn't sleep the night before, tossing and turning as his words ran through my head over and over again. Possibility after possibility, scenario after scenario.

I don't know how to feel. I don't think of Elliot like that. I never have and I don't imagine I ever will. It's Luke that I want. It always has been. I've never thought of another man the way I think of Luke, the way I dream of him, the way I desire him.

Vance calls as I'm trying to sort things out in my head. Before I realize what I'm doing, I break things off with him. When he asks me why, I tell him that I have feelings for someone else. I'm sure that he assumes that I mean Elliot. I'll let him assume that. I won't have to see him again so it doesn't matter.

I would be lying to myself if I said that it had nothing to do with Luke. Breaking up with him has everything to do with him. The way Vance kissed me last night, with force but no grace, turned me off. I want soft and sweet, but I also want heat. I had both of those things with Luke. There was this unexplainable balance.

My body didn't tingle with desire for Vance the way it did with Luke. I didn't yearn for one more kiss. Nothing. I felt nothing for him after he kissed me. I'm sure all his kisses aren't like the one he gave me last night. At least I hope not for his sake. If he was trying to make an impression on me, though, with that kiss, he certainly did. Not the right kind, unfortunately.

ONLY ONE MORE week and I'm headed home for the summer. I'm going to miss Felicity, but she promised to call me as much as she could. She's staying here for the summer to take classes and work. I'm thinking about coming back early to spend some time with her before classes start, but it all depends on if Luke is coming home or not. I don't want to miss him.

I look around the room and remember all the good times I've had this year. Next year Felicity and I are going to be living off campus. I convinced her to live with me. My parents bought me a two bedroom condo last week. I moved all my stuff over yesterday and Felicity is going to move her stuff slowly over the summer. I'm also leaving her my car while I'm gone so that it's easier for her to get around.

There's only one thing left in the room that's mine. A framed photo of Elliot, Luke and I from the weekend before he left. I'm in between the two of them and both of them have their arms wrapped around me. It was a perfect weekend.

Thinking about the time the three of us spent together reminds me of Elliot's confession when he came to visit me. We've talked a dozen times since then and nothing leads me to believe that he has feelings for me. Maybe I was reading too much into it.

Maybe he was feeling over-protective of me because of Luke. Or Vance.

I almost forgot about him. The kiss of death. The kisses have gotten worse since then. I've tried to give a few different guys a chance, but it seems like every time one of them kisses me I have to move on. One guy even looked a lot like Luke so I was hopeful that he might be better than the rest. He was the worst one of all.

Felicity thinks it's funny that I keep dating guys that suck at kissing. She has no idea who I'm comparing them to. I want to tell her about Luke, but I can't bring myself to say the words out loud. I can't bear to relive the best and worst moment of my life.

So I force myself to move on to the next guy that asks me out. I give them a chance to prove themselves only to continually be let down. One day. One day, I'll meet the right person and the kiss we share will make all of my trial and error worth it.

August 15, 2006

Luke,

I'm not sure how to even start this letter. When you left for boot camp it seemed like there was something between us. I know I didn't imagine it. You felt it too. Your actions, the fact that you came to see me that night, the way your body reacted to mine, told me more than words ever could.