I’m too ashamed to speak to her.

She closes the door between us again.

*  *  *

Three days pass like only screenshots, disconnected frames not cut into a continuous movie yet. Yep, that’s what my life is. Zoom in. Too clear some moments. Camera fade back. Nothing.

Lourdes brings me my meals. I haven’t left my room for days. Only Mom checks in on me. I still can’t talk to her. Face her. There is so much in my head I need to say, and she’s so worried and sad. I don’t want to dump on her the burden of me, she’s carrying so much right now, and the knot in my stomach warns that what I started in Malibu is far from over.

I don’t know how Mom keeps going.

I want to lie in a ball and never move again.

I don’t know where Alan is.

I wish I was brave enough to face my siblings. I’m so worried about them. I love them. I never wanted to hurt them.

I don’t know where this goes next.

Another limbo state, only this one is because of me.

*  *  *

Night. I hear voices from my parents’ bedroom. I shoot up in bed. After four days Alan’s back. They’re talking, not yelling. That has to be a good sign.

I wait and listen.

Maybe this horrible nightmare is finally over.

I turn when I hear my door open. Chrissie sinks down on the bed close to me. “Kaley, you need to pack. You’re leaving in the morning.”

Dread shoots through my veins.

What does leaving mean?

I find my voice for the first time in days.

“No, Mom, I don’t want to leave you.”

She surrounds me with her arms. I hear her sniff. She was crying before she came in here. Her hands move gently on my back. “Everything is going to be OK, Kaley. I love you. Your dad loves you. But right now you need to do what I say. Pack. Alan is leaving in the morning with you, Krystal and the twins.”

“Leaving? What does that mean?”

“Your dad has to leave tomorrow. He’s on tour for four months. He can’t cancel so he’s taking you with him.”

I pull back, anxiously searching her face. “You’re going with us, too, right?”

“No, baby girl. I’m staying here with Khloe. It’s the best thing all around for all of us.”

Best thing all around?

How could that be good for any of us?

“I’m so afraid, Mom. Don’t make me leave you.”

She smiles, a calm, almost peaceful thing, almost too weird to see. “You’re going, Kaley.”

She starts to rise and I stop her with my hands.

“I’m not leaving this house unless you explain to me what’s happening. Alan didn’t know we were his. I was there. I saw his face. How could you do this, Mom? And he doesn’t want us. He’s made that really clear. How could you make us leave with him? And how can you say everything is going to be OK? I don’t believe you. Don’t lie to me again. Not now.”

Her hands close on my face so quickly I don’t see them move, only feel the pain of too tightly held cheeks in shaking fingers.

“I have loved your father since I was eighteen. With all my heart, Kaley.” She takes several rapid breaths before her brilliant blue doe eyes lock on me. “Alan is the only man I’ve ever loved. But I love you more. I love you kids more. So how could I do this? I’m your mother and I love you more. How could I tell you to pack and go? I’m your mother. How can I tell you everything is going to be OK? I’m your mother. I love Alan with all my heart but, baby girl, I’m your mother and I love you more. Pack. You’re leaving in the morning.”

Then she walks from my bedroom, and there is nothing but the four walls and me again.

*  *  *

I start shoving things into a bag even though I tell myself I’m not going on tour alone with Alan. I won’t survive that. I can just run away. Go to Bobby. He’s always wanted to get out of the ’Sades. Maybe he doesn’t hate me. Maybe he’s as worried about me as I am about him. Maybe he’ll leave with me if I can just figure out a way to see him.

I’m sitting in the center of my room on the floor beside my duffel when my door opens.

My heart accelerates and the shaking returns.

Alan settles on the small sofa, facing me. “Are you doing all right, Kaley?”

The lump in my throat makes speech impossible.

I nod.

“Has Chrissie explained what’s happening?”

I nod, though she didn’t really explain anything.

“We’re leaving early in the morning,” he says quietly. “We’re spending five days at my home outside London. I think we need time to regroup. Then we are leaving the UK for four months on the road. Your sisters and brothers depend on you. More than you realize. Try to remember that, sweetheart. It matters to them how well you are.”

It matters to them…

Message received, Alan.

He still hasn’t admitted he’s my father. Or Krystal’s. Or Eric’s. Or Ethan’s. He hasn’t spoken a word about any of that. Not to me. I wonder if he has to them. I only heard him call us his children when he yelled at Chrissie in the backyard.

I lift my face.

I meet his gaze directly.

“I don’t want to go anywhere with you.”

His cheek twitches, but his expression doesn’t change.

“You are my responsibility legally and morally. I can’t leave without you and I can’t stay. I expect you to do as I ask for the next four months. And when you get back to LA, you have my word, I won’t interfere in your life. Not in any way. You can do what you want after we get back, Kaley. But tomorrow you are leaving California with me.”

“I don’t want to go. Let me stay here with Mom. You’re ruining my life.”

Impassive.

“No, I am not ruining your life, sweetheart. I’m making sure you still have one when you get back to LA.”

*  *   *

I hear a sound. A tap on my glass sliding door. I roll over in bed and check the clock. 3:30 a.m. Another tap. Oh God, please…

I rush from my bed and pull back the curtain. Bobby is standing on the patio. My shaking hands fumble with the latch and finally get it open.

I hurry toward him and some marginal parameter of my brain notes he steps back, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. Everything inside me starts to twirl, though I’m not sure why, only a feeling that something very wrong is about to commence again.

“Bobby, thank God you’re here,” I cry, throwing my arms around him.

A shudder passes through him. “It’s been awful not being able to talk to you. I’ve been out of my head worrying. I had to come before you leave to make sure you’re doing all right, Kaley.”

Before I leave?

I ease back and he comes into focus clearly for the first time. There is something on his face that makes me anxious and afraid. “I’m all right now that you’re here. Why are you acting so strangely, Bobby?”

Suddenly, he puts more distance between us. The abruptness sends sensation through me like a tsunami.

He shakes his head. “Jesus Christ, Kaley. Do you even have a clue what you did? To your family? To me? To you?”

“It doesn’t matter if you still love me.”

He runs a hand through his hair and now he is visibly shaking. “Love you? I love you with everything I am. But what I saw you doing—how you looked, baby—it scares the hell out of me because I don’t know if my loving you will ever be enough and I need it to be.”

My lids fly wide and I try to take back the space between us in desperate urgency, but his hands close on my arms, keeping me away.

“You’re everything to me, Bobby. We can take off like you’ve always wanted. Let’s leave. Now. Together.”

I stop him from speaking with my kisses, locking my mouth to his with the frenzied passion coursing through me. Bobby’s breath begins to quicken inside him. His body starts to mold into me in slow degrees, his mouth moving with mine—

The kiss breaks off and he springs back from me.

“No. No. No,” he whispers roughly and closes his eyes. “I can’t do this. You need to go. And I need to stay here.”