I’m not sure how long I’d been bawling in my room before my father came walking inside. It was strange to see him around the house before dinnertime, since he was always out on the ranch working. He sat down on my bed before speaking. “Darlin’, I know you’re hurting, but I want you to know we’re awfully glad to have you home where you belong. Your mother and I have been worried sick about you. The agent told us a little about what happened while you were away. I just need to know you’re all right. Well, are you okay, Cass?”

I sat up and wrapped my arms around my father. “I’m going to be fine, Daddy.” He kissed the top of my head, which only made me more emotional. “I’m so sorry for everything.”

“We all make bad decisions. We’re just glad you’re home safe and sound. I know it’s tough, but you’ll get past this, and you’ll probably have learned a little something from it.”

“I hope you’re right.”

He kissed my forehead before standing up. “I am. I better get back to your uncle Ty, before he screws something up I can’t fix.”

I smiled, imagining the two of them bickering. They were as entertaining as any reality show out there.

I took a nap before the big dinner at the barn. It had been converted a long time ago to house our always-growing family. Uncle Ty and my Aunt Miranda greeted me first. She was holding one of my cousin Jax’s twins. The next person to greet me was my cousin Isabella and her husband Rusty. Jake, Jax’s twin hadn’t yet arrived, but I suspected he’d be there, since an invite with food was being offered.

With a few of my cousins, and my immediate family so close I realized how good it felt to be home. It wasn’t like Vegas, or even the comfort I’d found at Logan’s house. This was where I belonged, at least for now. It was time to get my life in order, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it.

A week later I approached my parents with something serious. I tried to start slow and work my way into my announcement. “Thanks for everything you’ve done for me in the past week. I’ve had a lot of time to think since I’ve been home.”

“Are you okay, sweetie?” My mother asked.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“We’re listening,” my father offered.

“I think I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and before I tell you I want you to keep an open mind. It’s probably going to seem like it’s coming out of left field, but I promise it isn’t. What would you say if I told you I wanted to pursue a career in law enforcement? I’m thinking of going into the police academy.”

“I’d say it’s a big decision,” Dad announced.

“What brought this on?”

I fidgeted with my hands while answering. “I’ve thought a lot about it. I want to help people. I want to do something for my country, for myself. I’m old enough to go into the academy.”

“Are you sure this is what you want? It’s a vigorous amount of training, and you’d be putting your life in danger every time you wear the badge.”

“I’ve seen evil, Mom. I’ve looked it straight in the eyes and lived to talk about it. I know this is the right choice for me. I just don’t want to make a decision without you being a part of it. I’m tired of secrets in my life.”

“If it’s what you really want we’ll support you,” My Dad promised.

It was all I needed to hear. As soon as I was able, I’d start the paperwork. I’d join the academy and strive to help save people and lock up every dirt bag I could possibly get my hands on. My life was about to change again, and this time I had one man to thank. It was unfortunate we weren’t on speaking terms, because I think he would have been proud of me.

Chapter 33

Logan

After Cassie left the hotel, I remained there for two days, hoping and waiting for her to come back to me. I spent most of my time at the bar; binge drinking to get over the fact that I’d lost her. I couldn’t get the image of her anger out of my mind.

I honestly don’t know why I decided to do it, but I checked out of the hotel and headed to a place I never thought I’d go. The drive was excruciating. I hated myself for what I’d done; even though I knew in my heart I was being selfish again. Cassie wasn’t mine to keep. I cared enough about her to give her the life she deserved.

Now I was headed to the penitentiary where my sister had been for close to fifteen years. I was angry, and I felt like I needed her to know how much she’d ruined my life. Because of her, I had no family. Because of her, I devoted my life to helping other people instead of myself. Because of her, I’d never feel good enough. I was broken and lost, still searching for the reason as to why I had to survive. At this point in my life I think I would have rather died too, because at least I wouldn’t have spent my whole adulthood feeling like I had to save everyone.

I was tired; tired of being the hero. I wanted to be selfish. I deserved to be.

The penitentiary had special visiting hours. I used my credentials to get a private meeting with my sister. It took me a while to get clearance, but finally I was taken to a room where I’d wait to see her. My sister was still a kid when I saw her last. I didn’t know what to expect the moment she walked through the door. It never occurred to me that she’d be the spitting image of our mother, with our father’s dark brown eyes. I clenched my fists under the table and looked away when her eyes met mine. “Who are you? What do you want?”

“Why did you do it, Selina? Why did you kill them?”

“Is this some kind of joke? Who are you? Why are you here?”

I finally turned my attention back to her, and it only took a second for her eyes to widen. She finally understood why I was asking about a crime from so long ago. She knew who I was.

“Logan?”

I was fighting back my emotions. She looked too much like our mother to stare. I had too much hate in my heart. “This was a mistake.”

“Wait, please. I’ve written you so many letters. They always get returned. You don’t know how long I’ve waited to see you again, how long I’ve wondered if you were okay, if you were still alive.”

“Why do you care? You ruined my life.”

“What happened, what I did, you have to understand it wasn’t me. I was on so many drugs. After I got clean and learned what I’d done,” she paused. “I’ll never forgive myself. I miss them every day. They didn’t deserve to die like that. I wish it was me, Logan. I wish I would have died that night.”

“It’s a choice,” I managed to say.

“What is?”

“Drugs. You say it wasn’t your fault – that you weren’t in control, but that’s a lie. The moment you decided to put drugs into your body it was your choice. You knew the risks, but you took them anyway. It’s a choice, and you chose wrong.”

She was sobbing, her face shriveling with grief. I wanted to see her hurting. I hoped she’d been like this every day since she was incarcerated. “You couldn’t understand. You were always the good boy.’’

“I still am. I have to be, because you fucked me up so bad I won’t allow myself to be selfish.”

“You deserve to be happy. It’s what they would want for you.”

“You know what I want? I want my parents back, but we both know it’s never going to happen.” I stood up and prepared to leave. “I’m tired, Selina. I’m tired of this bullshit preventing me from having the life I want.”

“Did you come here to tear me down?”

“No. I came here to face my demons. I came here to prove to myself that I made the right choice.”

“The right choice? What are you talking about?”

“It doesn’t matter. I want you to know I’ll never forgive you for what you did. I don’t have it in me. I’ve spent my whole life helping others from monsters like you. For my whole adult life that’s how I’ve seen you. Now I know you’re just a woman without a future. You made a choice and there wasn’t anyone around to save you from it. You ruined your life. You missed out on everything, being free, having a brother. I’ve spent so many days wondering what it would have been like if they were still here, if I’d still be the man who could make them proud. You see, we’ve all got one shot to make our lives worth something. If I died tomorrow I’d be proud. Still, it will never give me what I really want, what I feel I deserve.”