The next time I woke darkness was still enveloping the room. It took my eyes a few moments to adjust, enough where I could make out everything in the small living space. I didn’t think I’d been asleep very long, but I’d changed position. Now, I was facing the back of the couch, my head resting on Aleksandr’s lap.

I tilted my neck to look up at him. His eyes were closed, his mouth slightly open. I flipped onto my back and watched his chest expand and contract with the rhythm of his breathing. The visual defined perfection. I wanted to spend the rest of my existence this close to him.

I touched Aleksandr’s chest with my fingertips, tracing velvet lines until I reached the top of his jeans. His eyes flickered under the lids, and his head rolled from left to right. I maneuvered myself into a sitting position and brushed his jawline with my fingers. He began to breath heavier, his chest rising and falling rapidly until his eyes fluttered open. I covered his mouth with mine before he had a chance to react. He responded by pulling me onto his lap and tangling his hands in my hair.

I straddled his torso, pressing myself against his chest, then settled my face in the warm gap where his neck met his shoulder and inhaled deep, filling my lungs with his familiar soap-and-cloves scent. My heart thumped; my head was no longer clouded with sleep. Aleksandr kissed my temple, and slid his large, strong hands to my hips. I pressed myself into his lap, circling my hips against him slowly, purposefully. His body immediately gave me the attention I craved.

Reaching around him, I dug in his back pocket and pulled his wallet out. He cocked his head as I removed the small foil square I’d been looking for.

“Audushka, I don’t know how long that’s been in there,” he began. I stopped him with a kiss.

“Well, it’s our only option, because I don’t have any.” I held his eyes for a split second, before he nodded. An old condom was better than no condom, in my opinion.

I unbuttoned his jeans, and he lifted his hips so I could pull them down. He didn’t have anything on underneath, so I tore open the packet, slowly rolling the condom over him, acting like I’d done it before. I lifted my face to meet his, tucking loose strands of hair behind my ear. I needed to see his eyes. I needed to know that this was right. This was my Aleksandr. My dream. My love.

Aleksandr didn’t disappoint, catching my gaze and holding it as he pushed away the fabric of my underwear and hoisted me onto him. I clenched my teeth, digging my fingernails into his shoulders as I slid onto him, releasing a soft cry from the jolt of pain.

“Fuck, Audushka!” Aleksandr swore. His eyes flashed open, and his strong hands held my hips still. I took a deep breath and attempted to lift myself up and back down. His halting the session was maddening and exhilarating at the same time.

“Easy,” he said in Russian, his voice so husky I could barely translate the word. He flipped me onto my back and pushed into me slowly. I squeezed his rib cage, clenching my teeth as he pulled out a little before pushing in again. “Easy,” he repeated.

Aleksandr held himself up on his forearms, situated on either side of my shoulders. His hands tangled in my hair, his fingers clenching and pulling lightly. He was so gentle and controlled. Sex was much different than I expected. I never thought he’d hurt me, but based on our frantic make-out sessions, I thought the first time would be fast and painful and miserable no matter how much I loved him. He buried his face into my neck, his quick breath hot against my skin. Every time I felt a rush of warm air, his fingers squeezed my hair, and I tensed up.

He lifted his head and brushed his lips on mine. “Relax, Audushka. I love you.”

Normally, when someone tells me to relax, I tense even more. But I felt comfortable with Aleksandr and I knew from countless stories I’d heard or read about people losing their virginity, that he was doing a damn good job of making it easy for me. Once I loosened up, the discomfort subsided, and I focused on the sublime sensations his movements created. When he rolled his hips, it felt fantastic, rather than painful. Or maybe pain feels good when it’s that kind of pain? I didn’t have any experience, so I wasn’t sure.

“Is this okay, Audushka?” Aleksandr asked. He lifted his face to meet my eyes without stopping his slow rolls and soft thrusts into me.

I nodded.

“Does it feel good for you?” he asked, his breath hitched and he squeezed my hair on the last word.

I nodded again. “What about you?”

His lips perked up, and a gust of air left his nose. “It feels amazing for me.”

“You can move more if you want. I think I’m fine.” I told him. And I thought I was. The current slow pulling up and thrusting in that he had going on had me worked up but wasn’t necessarily getting me anywhere. Now, I’m not a complete idiot. I didn’t think I would orgasm my first time having sex. I know that’s the stuff of romance novels and porn movies, but I’d hoped to get some kind of sensation like when he used his tongue. I knew the man had talent.

Aleksandr adjusted his arms and hands so that he was holding my face. “You’re sure?” he asked, without taking his gaze away from mine.

I loved him. I loved him for being so kind, and so slow and so understanding.

“Da.” I held on to his sides and took a deep breath.

“Don’t tense up. I’m not gonna go hard on you,” Aleksandr said. I caught the smile on his lips and gleam in his eye and relaxed. It’s hard to relax when you’re simultaneously freaked out, excited, and anticipating what’s next, but I did my best because I trusted him.

He pulled himself up on his forearms again and continued his movements, with a little more vigor. He kept his pace for a few minutes before he held my face in his hands and kissed my forehead, laying his full body weight on me while staying completely still. I matched his deep breaths, not because I was exhausted, but because it helps when a two-hundred-pound man decides to lay on top of you.

“That’s some way to wake a man up, Audushka.” Aleksandr rolled off me, easing himself out slowly.

I laughed.

“Did I miss something?” He lifted an eyebrow.

“I thought it would be horrible, but it wasn’t. It was awesome,” I said, still trying to slow my breath. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to. Just looking at him made my pulse race again.

“Did I hurt you?” He held my eyes with his. I shook my head. “I didn’t know you—”

“I knew what I was doing,” I said, then laughed again. “Well, not really, but I knew I wanted to do it—with you, that is. It’s only ever been you. Obviously.”

Aleksandr stroked my cheek with his palm and lowered his mouth onto mine, cutting off my nervous rambling.

“How did you know there was a condom in my wallet?”

“I took a stereotypical guess.” I rubbed the buzzed sides of his head with my hands. Though it had grown out since I’d seen him last, it still had a soft peach-fuzz feeling.

“What am I going to do with you?” Aleksandr smiled, shaking his head.

“Anything you want,” I told him, closing my eyes, taken over by drowsiness again. Aleksandr got up, removed the condom, and pulled on his jeans. He disappeared from my sight for a moment. Then I felt him slide one arm under my knees and the other under my neck, and he carried me back to the bed. He set me down and pulled the duvet over me.

“Don’t leave me,” I pleaded. Although I meant it in the context of the present situation, I wanted it to fit the future as well.

“Never, my love,” he whispered, kissing my head. He climbed in bed and pressed his chest against my back, his thighs and knees against the back of my thighs and knees, perfectly interlocking.

I slowed my breathing to match his, so our chests rose and fell together. I’d never felt as safe as I did wrapped in his strong arms.