“Surprise,” I say. “I wanted to try making something from scratch.”

“God. Should I have left my coat on? If I get food poisoning and need to go to hospital, I don’t wanna be catching hyperthermia, too.”

Despite his smart mouth, he peels off several layers and hangs his jacket on the coat rack that we got at the Salvation Army thrift store for fifty cents. Slowly I’ve been purchasing things that will help make this place feel more like home. We don’t have a ton of extra money to spend on things like that, but if you know where to look, you can find all sorts of things that hardly cost anything at all.

“Ha ha, asshole.” I stab a fork in his general direction, fake-scowling. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving.”

“Then sit your ass down, and shut your mouth. It’s ready.”

“Nothing like coming home to a nicely-cooked meal.” Vaughn’s brow furrows. “I think this is actually the first time that’s ever happened.”

I know he means this as a compliment, and part of me does feel happy, part of me is overjoyed that I can do something for him after everything he’s done for me. Yet at the same time, it makes me sad to think that my brother, at twenty-eight years old, has never had a meal cooked for him. He’s always said that he’s been too busy for a girlfriend. That’s probably true, but I know his single status is partly because of me. Our mother died when I was born—the placenta detached and she hemorrhaged—and for a long time after that my dad couldn’t even look at me. For the first three years of my life, I was cared for by our elderly neighbor, a woman named Janice, and my six-year-old brother. I knew, deep down my father didn’t blame me for my mother’s death, but I also knew that it was hard for him to be around me. Even back then I looked so much like my mother, this woman I’d never even met. From the pictures Vaughn’s shown me, we’ve got the same thick brown hair, the same pale green eyes that sometimes look blue depending on the light. I wonder what she was like, this woman who vanished from the world only seconds after I entered it. I often find myself wondering what her laughter would have sounded like.

Vaughn sits down and I slide a plate of food in front of him.

“Thanks, lil sis,” he says, smiling at me before picking up his fork.

We eat together at our little kitchen table. The food’s hot and good, nothing elaborate. Just the fact that we’re enjoying it together in our own apartment makes it one of the best meals we’ve ever had.

“You’re welcome. How was your day?” I ask him this every time he returns home as part of a ritual. His answer is always the same—even if he had a shitty day, he’d never tell me.

“Good. Busy. Be nice to have a few days off pretty soon. Oh, and I talked to Max on the way home.”

“Oh, yeah? How’s he doing?”

“Not too bad. I told him maybe we could all get together on Christmas.”

“Sure. That’d be great. He can help us eat all the cookies I’m planning to make.”

Max Conner is one of Vaughn’s oldest friends. In high school, they did everything together including playing varsity baseball, but their paths eventually diverged. Vaughn started smoking pot and hanging out with a rougher crowd. Max buckled down, went to college, and became a police officer. Despite the different directions their lives took, they’ve always been close. When Vaughn was in jail for possession, Max bailed him out. A few times when things were really tough, Max was the one to bring us food and give us a roof over our heads. Those days are long gone now, though. My brother took a second for himself to rebel against the restrictions of his life, but that rebellion lasted no more than five minutes. Our belts might be tight, but he doesn’t do drugs anymore, and there’s always something in the cupboards to eat.

Vaughn starts shoveling his meal into his face like only a guy who’s worked a sixteen-hour shift can. “That’s what I told him,” he says. “Guy shouldn’t be spending Christmas alone.”

I shake my head. “No, he shouldn’t.”

“Bastard thought he was going to marry Emily for sure, but I really think he’s better off without her.” Vaughn laughs. “Though I’m probably not the best person to be giving dating advice.” He has a smile on his face as he says this, but I can see a hint of sadness in his eyes. I know he’s wondered if there’s a woman out there for him, if he’ll ever meet that person he’ll totally fall head over heels in love with. I wonder if part of him is worried about me, worried about what it will mean for me if he meets someone. Even though I’m not a little kid anymore, Vaughn will always feel responsible for me, always feel like he needs to look out for me.

“Vaughn?” I put my fork down.

He raises his eyebrows. Waggles them in that ridiculous way he has. “Uh-oh. This sounds serious.”

“It’s not. Well, maybe a little. I just…I don’t know. I just want you to know how grateful I am for you, for everything that you’ve done. Things haven’t been easy. You’ve sacrificed so much for me. I could’ve ended up a ward of the state or something.”

My brother shakes his head, already rejecting the direction our conversation is headed. “No way in hell I’d let that happen.”

“But a lot of guys would have. A lot of guys would have decided it was just too much to take care of a little sister when they were still just a kid themselves. And…and I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did for me. But you should know, I’m old enough now that I can take care of myself now. If there’s something…anything that you want to be doing—”

“What are you saying? Are you moving out?” Vaughn grins as he says this.

“No, of course not, jackass. I guess I’m just trying to say . . . if you ever met a girl that you wanted to date, I would want you to do that. And if you ended up living with her instead of me, I wouldn’t try to get in your way. I just don’t want you to feel like you’ve got to take care of me for the rest of your life, because you don’t.”

“Whoa. Well, the dinner conversation’s definitely taking an unexpected turn tonight.” Vaughn hums at the back of his throat, a sound he makes when he feels awkward. He likes to have me think he never gets awkward, or worried about the future for that matter, but I know him too well. “Thanks, Essie. You know I’d never leave you stranded. And I haven’t not been dating because of you. I just don’t really have much time for it. A girlfriend’s a big time commitment. Maybe once we get some more money saved and I can cut back on my hours a little, but, right now I’ve got a pretty full plate.” He glances down. “Well, this plate isn’t.” He picks up his fork and twirls the last of his spaghetti onto it, then puts it into his mouth. He stretches. “Listen, lil’ sis’. I promise, if I ever meet a woman I’d like to date, I’ll work up the nerve and ask her, okay? And I want you to promise me the same thing. If you ever come across a guy you’d like to date, go for it. I won’t get all weird about it. I won’t grill him. I won’t come to the door with a shotgun the first time he comes over to pick you up.”

I laugh, because he’s lying through his teeth right now, even though he doesn’t realize it. “Okay. Deal. But I’m gonna remind you of his conversation when the time comes, and you are going to be eating your words.”

Vaughn holds up three fingers and winks at me. “Scout’s honor, I won’t. Thanks for dinner, by the way. Nice surprise. Funny, ‘cause I’ve got a surprise for you, too.”

“You do?” I study him intently, unable to tamp down my immediate curiosity. We don’t get to buy each other gifts very often. Well, actually we don’t get to buy each other gifts, period.

“Yep. But it’s going to require that you follow me, I’m afraid. Once we’re in the lobby, you gotta tie this ugly ass scarf over your eyes before we go outside.”

I do exactly as he says, accepting the scarf he was wearing when he came in. The scarf I made him. I pretend to strangle him with it as we head down to the lobby. There, he secures the black wool over my eyes before taking my hand and leading me outside. We only walk a few paces before we stop. The wool is scratchy against the bridge of my nose, and the air is cold and biting. I start to shiver.