I’m sure he doesn’t realise that I can hear him, but I can. I usually lay in my bed and cry too … for him, for my mum, for our family. Last year I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore. I can’t stand to hear him falling apart. He’s usually so strong and put together. I guess he’s allowed those two days a year to reflect and be consumed by his loss, hence the playlist. I listen to it until I fall asleep, trying hard not to think of my dad falling to pieces in his room.

A few minutes later there’s a tap on the window. Turning my head I find Mr. Gregory standing there, smiling. Pausing the music, I wind down my window. “Hello Indi,” he says.

“Hi, Mr. Gregory. How are you?”

“I’m good, and you?” he answers.

“I’m fine thanks.” Which is a lie. I’m far from fine.

“Well I just wanted to say hi. Best be getting back to the shop.”

“Goodbye,” I say, forcing out a smile.

“Bye. Tell your dad I said hello.”

“I will.” When he walks away I quickly put my earplugs back in and press play. If I continue to listen to the music on the way home, I won’t have to talk to Carter.

Leaning my head back on the headrest, I close my eyes. I don’t hear Carter get in the car because of the music, but I feel him. I know his eyes are on me, but I don’t look in his direction until I feel his hand tap my leg. Removing one of my earplugs, I turn my head to face him. “You feeling okay?” he asks.

“Yes. I’m fine.” Before he says another word, I reinsert the earplug and close my eyes again. That’s how I stay for the remainder of the drive. I feel his eyes boring into me a number of times on the way home, but I don’t dare look his way.

When we pull into his driveway, I remove my earplugs and reach for my bag on the floor. “You sure you’re alright? You’re acting weird,” he says as my hand grasps the door handle.

“Yep. I’m perfectly fine. I’ll see you later,” I answer glancing at him. Bad move. He looks hurt and that makes me feel like a bitch for the way I’m acting. His pleading eyes search out mine. I know he’s probably wondering what’s got into me.

“I’ve gotta go,” I say breaking his stare. I hear him sigh, but I ignore him. That makes me feel even worse.

••••

I feel the first tear fall as soon as I walk through the door. Twice in one day he’s made me cry. I’m not usually an emotional person. What is he doing to me? My dad’s at work at the moment, so I’m all alone. I’m used to it. It doesn’t usually bother me, but today it does.

Retrieving my phone out of my pocket, I call Meg. “Can I stay at your place tonight?” I ask as soon as she picks up.

“Are you crying, Indi?” I can hear the concern in her voice.

“Can I stay or not?”

“Of course. What’s wrong, babe?”

“I’ll talk to you when I get there,” I reply wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I feel stupid for crying.

“I’ll get my mum to come and get you. We’ll be there in five minutes,” she says.

“Thank you.”

CHAPTER TEN

Carter

I have no idea what the fuck just happened. One minute we were actually getting on, the next minute things changed. She changed. Something’s going on with her, but I have no clue what. Fuck this shit. This is exactly why I never let my guard down and get close to people.

“How was school, sweetie?” my mum asks when I walk through the door.

“Okay,” I reply, kissing her cheek before heading to my room. I’m not in the mood for small talk right now. I’m still trying to figure out what made Indiana shift like she did. I’ve never seen her act so cold. It’s the first time I’ve ever completely been myself with someone other than my mother. The first time I’ve actually tried to be normal. Big fucking mistake. These damn walls are up for a reason.

My mum always tells me I need to open up and trust more. I trust her, but that’s about it. I know she’s right, though. I can’t hold what my grandfather did to us, against others. Logic tells me not everyone is like him. It’s a hard habit to break. It’s something I’ve been doing since I was five years old. That’s why I got my tattoo. As a reminder to trust. Well at least try. Look where trusting Indiana got me. Fucking nowhere.

Sitting on my bed, I rest my elbows on my knees and bury my face in my hands. My mind is trying to make sense of it all. I’m trying to remember exactly what I said to her, hoping that will give me the answers I seek.

I hear a car horn sound from next door. Gazing over towards Indi’s bedroom, I catch a glimpse of her as she throws a backpack over her shoulder and runs out of her room. Standing, I make my way towards the window. Where the fuck is she going?

Indiana

As soon as we arrive at Meg’s house, she drags me towards her bedroom. “Dinner will be ready in an hour girls,” her mum calls out.

“Thanks, Mum,” Meg replies.

“Thanks, Mrs. Miller,” I add. Meg closes the door once she’s pulled me inside her room. She takes my backpack off my back and drops it on the floor before leading me towards her bed with her hand between my shoulder blades.

“What the hell is going on with you?” she asks as soon as we are seated.

“One guess.”

“What has he done now?” Her face screws up with disgust.

“Nothing to me. Well kinda … it’s just …”

“Just what?”

“He told me something a few days ago. I’m not sure if I should tell you. It’s kind of personal and pretty bad,” I admit.

“Seriously, you have to tell me now.” I chuckle when she rubs her hands together and bounces on the bed with excitement. She thrives on gossip.

“I’m not sure if I should.” I’d feel like I’m betraying Carter if I tell her.

“Did he tell you not to tell anyone?” she asks. I know she’s saying this to try and get me to spill. She’s such a schemer.

“No.”

“Well what’s the problem then?” she asks, raising her eyebrows hopefully.

“I’d feel like I was betraying his trust. I’m not sure how he’d feel about me repeating it,” I tell her.

“That juicy huh?” She rubs her hands together again.

“Yes,” I laugh.

“Look, if you don’t want to tell me that’s fine. I respect that. But, I need you to know that not knowing is probably going to kill me.”

“You’re such a dork.”

“It’s up to you, babe. You know you can trust me. We tell each other everything. Maybe I can help if I know exactly what you’re dealing with,” she says. I trust her with my life. In my heart I know she’d never repeat anything I ever told her, just like she knows I wouldn’t do that to her.

“I guess,” I reply with a shrug.

“So you’re going to tell me?” she squeals. See what I mean, she thrives on this shit. There’s nothing funny about what I’m going to say. I know she’s going to be just as shocked as I was when he told me.

“Promise me this stays between us.” Although I know I don’t need to ask.

“Pinky promise,” she says holding her little finger up to me. Wrapping my little finger around hers we shake on it. I take a deep breath before I speak.

As I tell her everything Carter told me, her eyes almost bug out of her head. “No fucking way.” She’s gobsmacked. This is no pissy little thing. It’s huge.

“Yes way. See why I was hesitant in telling you?” Her mouth is still open. I’m sure I must’ve looked the same when Carter confessed it to me. It still upsets me that he had to go through that.

“He got paid to have sex?” she deadpans.

“Uh huh.”

“Fuck. He must be good. All the more reason you should jump his bones.” Her eyes drift up towards the ceiling and she breaks out into a smile. Oh. My. God. She’s thinking about his sexual skills, I know it. I reach out and slap her arm.

“You’re disgusting,” I laugh.

“So is that why you’re upset?” she asks rubbing her arm. Hello. Is she even listening?