Mark is pretty to look at, but in my eyes he has nothing on Carter in the looks department. Carter’s sinfully hot, all man, and those tattoos make him look so bad-arse. He’s every girl’s fantasy. It’s a shame he’s a non-committal man whore.

It’s a surreal feeling that we’re actually having a meal together, after all this time. Well, if you class a toasted sandwich as a meal. So much has changed since he left, but in a way, nothing has.

He looks up and catches me staring. “You don’t like your food?” he asks with a mouth full.

“Of course. Why would you ask that?”

“Because you look like you’d rather be eating me instead,” he says with a cheeky smile.

“What?” I screech. He throws back his head and laughs. “Nooooo. You’re delusional if you think that.”

“Just calling it how I see it, sweetheart.” When he winks at me I feel my face flush. Shit. I probably was looking at him like that. I need to get him out of this house, and away from me, ASAP.

••••

For the next few hours, we eat, we chat, and we laugh—just like old times. I think it’s exactly what we both needed to heal, to completely move on. There was so much unfinished business between us, but now I feel like it’s all water under the bridge. I’m hoping after tonight, I can finally let all the hurt go.

Let him go.

My heart hurts to think this is more than likely the last time we’ll be alone again. He mentioned earlier he was leaving tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see him around when he visits his mum, but not like tonight. I shouldn’t want him to stay, but for some reason I do. Well, part of me does. The part of me that now belongs to Mark, knows him leaving is for the best.

“I should get going,” he says.

“Okay.” I try not to let my disappointment show. I’ve missed being around him. I’ve missed the banter we shared. When he reluctantly turns, I follow him towards the front door. “Thanks for the food … for the catch up,” he says when we walk out onto the front porch.

“It was nice,” I reply, getting up on the tip of my toes and planting a soft kiss on his cheek. Taking a step back, my eyes meet his. My heart is sad knowing this is our final goodbye. At least I’m getting one this time around. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“You too, kid,” he says, reaching up and gently running his hand down the side of my face. His touch is so gentle, so sweet. I feel tears burn my eyes. We stand there for the longest time staring at each other. His hand is still resting on my cheek. I find myself leaning my head into his palm. I briefly close my eyes and savour the last time I’m going to feel his skin against mine. I’d give anything for him to wrap me in his arms again. Anything.

When I open my eyes, I find him watching me. He gives me a sad smile. “Goodbye, Carter,” I finally say, taking another step back. I’m thankful I got to say it this time. It doesn’t seem to lessen the ache in my heart though.

“Goodbye, Indi.” He continues to stand there, not moving. That electric pull between us, the one we shared in the past, is still as strong as ever. As much as I’d like to stay out here all night with him, I can’t. Someone needs to be the strong one here. I turn and take the few steps towards the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his hand reach towards me, but then he drops it back by his side. I’m grateful for that. We need to make a clean break.

••••

I manage to hold in my tears when I walk into the house, but they’re already falling by the time I reach my bedroom. My heart feels like it felt all those years ago when he left—broken.

I’m grateful that he came back, that I got to see him again. In saying that though, seeing him has conjured up all those old feelings. The ones that took me years to suppress. Guilt consumes me. I shouldn’t be feeling like this when I have a boyfriend.

Wiping my eyes, I dig my phone out of my bag. Turning it on, I find a message from Mark.

Night, babe. Hope your head is feeling better. x

Again the guilt hits hard. Technically I’ve done nothing wrong, but if Mark completely holds my heart, I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling.

I’m feeling better, thanks. Sorry I had to cut the night short. See you at work in the morning. xxx

That’s a total lie. My headache is worse than ever, but I don’t want him to worry about me because I know he will. He replies straight away.

That’s good. Night, gorgeous. Sweet dreams. Wish you were here. x

I don’t reply to his last message. I’m not sure what to say. I do and don’t wish I was there with him. My head is so clouded right now it’s probably best that I’m not.

Finally, I climb under the covers. My thoughts are still well and truly on Carter. I know he’s next door. Only a few metres away. I wish I could spend more time with him before he leaves, but it’s probably safer for my heart if I don’t.

CHAPTER FIVE

Carter

As much as I hate being back in this house, I think walking away tomorrow, leaving my mum and Indi behind again, is going to be just as hard as it was the last time. For Indi’s sake it’s probably for the best, or is it? I’m not sure about that anymore. Especially after meeting that wanker she’s dating.

Once I would’ve said she was way too good for me, but in the past few years I’ve grown up, a lot. Sure, technically I’m still a bastard, but Indi’s words that night, all those years ago, have stuck with me. I’m not the same person I was. I no longer try to let that word define me. I still have my moments, but as a whole, I’ve come a long way. I’m a good, hardworking, and honest guy. That’s what I try my best to remember. Not all the other bullshit.

Going over there tonight, drunk, may not have been my smartest move, but I’m glad I did. I think she needed it just as much as I did. Being with her again was nice, but it only reinforced how good we are together, and how much I’ve missed having her close. She’s the only girl I’ve ever felt comfortable with. The only one who I can completely be myself with around.

••••

When I wake the next morning, she’s still on my mind. My head hurts like a bitch from all the alcohol I consumed. I finished off the bottle when I got back home. My heart was hurting after saying goodbye to her. Because it was more than words, it truly was a goodbye. That doesn’t sit well with me for some reason. I have this feeling in my gut that if I walk away again I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life. I’m going to lose her forever. If I haven’t already.

After showering and eating breakfast, I decide to head next door. I don’t know what I’m going to say when I get there, but I feel compelled to see her one more time before I leave. Jax called me this morning to see when I’d be heading back. I told him today. I have a great team, so I’m not really worried about the shop. I know I also have Jax and Candice if anything goes wrong, but either way, I still need to get home. I need to sort out what I’m going to do. To figure out a way I can come back here more often. Well, if Indi wants that of course. I got mixed messages from her last night. She said she loves that wanker, which was hard to hear, but I also get that feeling in the pit of my stomach there’s still something between us. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part. Who fucking knows?

“Carter, my boy,” Ross says with a smile when he answers the door. “Come in.”

“I was hoping to speak to Indi before I leave,” I divulge as I follow him down the hall towards the kitchen.

“She’s already left for work. Sit.” Disappointment consumes me. I take a seat at the kitchen table as he sets about making us a cuppa. Is missing her a sign, or just rotten luck?