“I’m sorry. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted,” he says. The sincerity in his voice is clear. I’d like to believe he would never purposely hurt me, but the fact is he did.

“Well you did. That’s irrelevant now because it’s in the past. I’m over it.” Which is a lie. I’m not sure I’ll ever completely be over it. “Why did you come here?”

“I don’t know. Fuck,” he says with a sigh.

“You don’t know what?” I’m really starting to lose my patience with his indecisiveness. “Spit it out, Carter. If there’s something you want to say, then just damn well say it.”

“I don’t know if I’m that guy, but I do know it’s definitely not him.” He’s not even making sense. He doesn’t want me to be with Mark and he doesn’t want me either. What the hell? His words cut me right to the core.

“Thanks for the advice. If that’s all, I need to get back to work. You’ve already pissed my boss off. I don’t want to lose my job.” I turn to walk away. Even more confused than I was the moment I saw him standing in the reception area. If he only came to cause trouble, then he’s achieved that. Disappointment consumes me. Funny thing is, I can’t even tell you why.

“Wait.” I stop when he reaches for my elbow. “Maybe I should’ve thought about what I was going to say before I got here, but I didn’t. I came on an impulse. I came …”

“For what, Carter?” I ask in a frustrated tone as I turn to face him again.

“I came to tell you …” I raise an eyebrow when he pauses. I’m waiting. “Look, I’m not sure if I can give you what you need, Indi, but I do know I don’t want to lose you to him.” He flicks his head towards the clinic when he says that. “I don’t want to lose you to anyone for that matter. I know you told me you loved him last night, but does he make you feel what I did when we were together? We had something special. I know you felt it too.”

No he doesn’t, but I’d never admit that out loud. My heart rate picks up. Is he asking me to break it off with Mark, so we can have a relationship? Has he lost his mind? “Had being the operative word here, Carter. I still have no idea what you are trying to say.”

“To be honest, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say,” he chuckles, rubbing his hands over his face in frustration. I feel my lips curve into a smile as I watch him. I’ve never seen him looking so unsure of himself. “It’s just … I’m lost without you. I’ve spent the last five years trying to deny it, but it’s true. I miss you. I’ve felt like I’ve had a hole in my heart since the day I drove away and left you crying in the driveway. I want you in my life again.”

“What are you asking me to do, Carter?” He reaches out, grasping both my hands in his. I hate how even the simplest touch from him sends my heart into a flutter.

“I’ve gotta go back home today. I have some things I need to sort out with work. I’m hoping to be back here by the end of the week. Can you just think about what I’ve said while I’m gone? I miss you. The last few days have made me see just how much. I need you in my life, Indiana.”

“You do?”

“I do. I can’t promise you anything. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I want things to be the way they used to be between us. I want to see where it takes us. I’ll admit I’m not the commitment type, but if anyone could make me one, it’s you. It’ll only ever be you.”

My head says I should tell him to go to hell, but my heart speaks a totally different language. My smile grows. If it gets any bigger, I’m sure my face will split in two. What he’s said is a lot to take in, such a huge risk to even consider. And then there’s Mark. I know he doesn’t make me feel the kind of things Carter does, but I’m not sure if I can just walk away from him either. Can I even trust Carter with my heart anymore? He broke it once, who says he won’t do it again? I think my head is going to explode. This is too much to process all at once.

“Okay,” I finally say. I hope I don’t regret this. I can’t believe I’m even entertaining the idea. But there’s a part deep inside that knows exactly why I am.

“Okay, what?” he asks, a look of hopefulness on his face.

“Okay, I’ll think about what you’ve said.” He lets out the breath he was holding while waiting for my answer. “I said think, Carter, that’s all. Don’t go getting your hopes up. I’m not sure if I can walk away from what I have with Mark.” And that’s the truth.

“That’s all I’m asking.” He pulls me into him, wrapping me in his arms. Mark never makes me feel like this when he holds me. Never. Why am I even thinking that? Can I take a chance on a guy that I know has the potential to destroy me? Because that’s exactly what will happen if he breaks my heart again. “I’ll see you at the end of the week,” he says pulling back and cupping my face in his hands.

“I’m not making any promises, okay. I’m not sure—”

“I’ll respect any decision you make,” he says cutting me off. “I might not like it, but I’ll respect it. If you decide Mark is the guy for you, then I’ll walk away. I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he responds, smiling. God I love his smile. There’s something about it that turns my insides all mushy.

“I’ve got to get back to work.” I go to step back, but he pulls my face to his, planting a warm, soft kiss on my mouth. It leaves my lips tingling, and it was only a peck. I have a feeling my headache isn’t going to go away anytime soon. It’s going to be a really long, agonising week.

••••

Three days have passed and thanks to my current predicament, I still have this damn headache. Mark was upset with me after my little talk with Carter, but by the afternoon he came around. He asked me what Carter wanted, and I lied. I told him he wanted to say goodbye, which made me feel awful. It still does, but what can I say? I need to make up my own mind without any influence from either one of them.

To be honest, I’m totally confused. I’m not sure if I want to give up either of them. My screwed up heart screams Carter, but unfortunately my head doesn’t. This is one time I wish I wasn’t so sensible. I believe Carter when he says he wants more, but is he capable of more? Does he think he wants me because I have Mark, or does he really miss me? It’s a total mind fuck. Can I walk away from Mark and take a chance on an uncertainty?

“Hey, babe,” Mark says coming up behind me, sliding his arms around my waist. I was so lost in thought that I jump. “Are you nearly ready to leave? I’m taking you out for dinner.”

“Can I have a raincheck? I have a really bad headache. I was actually looking forward to going home and lying down.” That’s the truth. I’d even considered not coming in today, but I knew Mark needed me to assist him in surgery.

“Nope. I have big plans for us tonight. We’re going out. That’s final,” he demands as his lips trace a trail down my neck.

“Mmmm,” I moan, tilting my head to one side. “Can we go out tomorrow night instead?”

“Come on, Indi,” he begs, turning me in his arms. “Please. I’ve put a lot of effort into tonight. Don’t spoil it over a lousy headache.” The pleading look in his eyes has me giving in.

“Fine,” I say with a sigh.

“Good girl.” He leans forward and places a kiss on the tip of my nose. “We’ll swing by your place after work so you can change and pick up some clothes for tomorrow. I want you to stay over tonight.”

“I agreed to dinner. I’m not in the mood to stay over.” It’s not just my headache that’s stopping me from spending the night. It’s all this stuff with Carter as well. Until I sort through that, I can’t be intimate with Mark. It wouldn’t be fair on him. Plus it would only confuse matters.

As much as I’ve missed Carter over the years, I can’t believe I’m even contemplating the idea. Mark’s safe. Mark would never break my heart.

••••

It’s around a fifty-minute drive to the restaurant. We end up at an upmarket waterfront restaurant on the North Shore. Usually we eat locally, so I’m surprised that he would bring me here.