“His eyes are open . . . make him breathe . . . Dad!” The last word came on a primal scream that hit her like a physical blow.

“Hudson! Wake up.” But his eyes remained closed, his head thrashing and his legs kicking. She ran to him, dropping to her knees beside the couch and shaking him. Beneath her hand she could feel his heart pounding against his sweat-soaked T-shirt. “Hudson, wake up. Please.”

He bolted upright, his lungs heaving for air. The look in his eyes was wild and scared as his gaze darted frantically around the moonlit room before finally coming to rest on Allie. “What is it?” he gasped. “What’s wrong?”

“You were having another nightmare.”

Hudson let out a heavy exhale and rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

Allie sat down on the sofa beside him. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, already knowing full well the answer.

“No.”

“It might help.”

“I said I don’t want to discuss it.”

“You can’t keep boxing these things up, Hudson.”

“I’m fine,” he said. “Let’s just go back to sleep.”

“But you’re not sleeping.” Her voice grew quiet. “And I’m worried about you. How long has this been going on?”

“Most of my life.”

“How often?”

“It depends. They had stopped for a while.”

“When did they return?”

Hudson pinched the bridge of his nose. “Recently.”

“Since we flew back from Europe?

“Yes.” He ran a hand back through his sweat-slicked hair. “It’s my anxiety over your safety. Once this mess is resolved I’ll be fine.”

“Stop staying that.” She could see the nightmare clinging to him. He wasn’t fine, and he wouldn’t be, not until he dealt with his demons once and for all. “The situation with Julian may be what brought them back, but you said yourself, you’ve had these all your life.”

“And I’ve managed.” He made a move to stand, but Allie stopped him.

“I’ve only witnessed a handful of these,” she said. “But from what I’ve seen, they’re tearing you up inside. Please, talk to me. Tell me about your nightmares.”

“Trust me, you don’t want a front row seat for the fucked up show inside my head.”

“Then tell me about your past.” Allie knew whatever haunted Hudson stemmed from his youth. Perhaps if she could convince him to talk about those early days, she could get to the root of what plagued him. “I’m marrying you tomorrow, Hudson.” She reached for his hand. Turning it palm-up she traced the spot where there would soon be a wedding band. “We’re going to exchange rings and vow to be partners . . . in everything. For better or worse. Please, let me in.”

His eyes shifted from where her fingers traced his hand to her pleading gaze. “What do you want to know?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“Tell me about your family. What was it like when you were young? From what little I know, it doesn’t sound like things were always bad.”

The tension in his shoulders eased ever so slightly. “Everything was perfect, actually. I mean, we didn’t have money to burn, but we were happy. And my parents were truly in love with each other. Hell, for my mother, the whole world revolved around my dad. I came earlier than planned and Nick, well, he was a surprise. But both of us always felt wanted.”

Allie knew very little about their father other than he’d been out of their lives since Hudson and Nick were very young. “What was your dad like?”

A small, wistful grin formed on Hudson’s lips. “He was the ultimate. Complete hands-on. He looked a lot like I do, but had a better sense of humor. And he could play just about any song on the guitar after hearing it one time.”

“He sounds great.”

Hudson nodded. “He worked hard to provide for us—nothing fancy, but life was good.”

“So what happened?”

His brow creased and his smile faded. “I fucked everything up, that’s what happened.” He was quiet, and for a moment she thought that was as much as he would say, but then he surprised her by continuing. “We were driving back from a camping trip. Extravagant vacations weren’t an option. We did road trips with the whole roughing it thing. It was late and we stopped so my dad could fill the tank up with enough gas to get us home, but I was starved and wanted some junk food from the store. My mother told me no, that she’d fix me and Nick PB&J’s on white when we got home.” He grimaced. “White fucking bread. Can’t stomach the stuff now. But the selfish bastard I am, that wasn’t good enough for me. I pitched a goddamn fit until my dad caved. He told me to pick something out for Nicky, too, but while I was debating the choices, a guy burst in waving a gun.”

Allie couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped her lips.

“He kept shouting for us to get down on the floor and not to make a fucking move or he’d cap a bullet in our skulls.” Hudson swallowed hard. “I was pants-pissing scared, but my dad was so fucking calm.”

“Were you the only two in the store?”

He shook his head. “There was a lady trying to buy a pack of smokes, from what I could see, and some old man jonesing for his Colt 45. The guy with the gun kept yelling at the cashier to pop open the register, but the poor kid was shaking like a leaf, dropping the money, change clattering all over the floor. I thought maybe he’d hit some sort of panic button or reach for a gun of his own, but he was just scared shitless like the rest of us. There was only about fifty bucks in the drawer, so the guy started barking at him to open the safe. The kid tried to reason with him—kept saying he didn’t know the combo, only the manager did—but the guy was out of his fucking mind.”

Allie held her breath. In that moment she would have done anything to rewrite history and change what she now realized would be the end of the story. But all she could do was listen as Hudson recounted the horrible details of that night.

“My dad was all calm and cool. Goddamn fucking hero tried to talk some sense into that piece of shit, even offered to give him the last of our cash just to get him the hell out of the store. But when my dad reached for his wallet, the guy swung his gun around and fired without even thinking.” Hudson’s entire body tensed. “The round nailed him in the chest and he hit the floor. I didn’t know what to do. He was struggling to breathe and there was blood everywhere, so I pressed my hands on the wound.” His voice cracked. “I couldn’t stop it. The blood kept oozing between my fingers.”

Allie’s throat tightened as the scene Hudson was describing played out in perfect clarity in her mind.

“The guy took one look at my dad and ran like hell. My mom and Nick had watched the whole scene from the parking lot. Someone must have kept Nicky back but my mom was right there in seconds, screaming and crying. The whole thing was total chaos but slow-mo at the same time. People shouting, sirens in the distance, and blood . . . so much fucking blood.” His grip tightened on her hand. “My father died before the paramedics arrived. I’ll never forget the moment his eyes lost focus and his hand let go of mine.”

Hot tears slid down Allie’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Hudson.”

“If I would have been content with a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my dad would still be alive. My mother would still be alive. Nick would have never spun out of control. Everything about our lives would have turned out differently. We could have been happy, but I fucked everything up.”

“You think everything that’s happened since then is somehow all your fault?”

He gazed at her incredulously. “The chain of events started that night.”

And there it was, the sobering guilt that Hudson carried on his shoulders. It was what drove his every action, what haunted him even in his sleep.

“You were just a kid. That’s what kids do, they harass their parents.”

“They’re dead because of me. Nick was taken away because of my actions. There isn’t an apology adequate for what I caused, nor any forgiveness for it.”