I didn’t move away, though. I stood there, waiting for him to continue because I knew he needed to get it out, to purge it so he could move on. I just hoped I could move on, too.

“For the first two days, I avoided the cell I’d gotten so we could talk like I’d promised. Just thinking about hearing your voice would make my chest hurt, and I knew that if I heard you cry, I’d have been back in Tennessee in a flash.” He tightened his hold even more, cutting off my air, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t sure I would have been able to breathe even if I could. “I pussied out and avoided the pain, then drowned it in any bottle that Rich Branson handed me.”

He said his old manager’s name more like a curse than anything else. I remembered the paps going to town when the story had broken about Demon’s Wings dropping Rich Branson, the restraining order that Emmie had to take out against the old man, and even the assault charges that Rich had tried to file against Nik Armstrong for knocking him out. Within a month, OtherWorld had cut ties with their manager and signed on with Emmie. With two of his biggest clients gone, and the reasons for it spreading like wildfire, Branson had been bankrupt within a year.

“The booze made the pain of missing you…not better, but I guess easier to deal with.” He blew out a harsh breath, as if frustrated with himself. “It numbed me up and I stayed that way for a full week.”

“You said you were drunk for two weeks,” I murmured and felt him nod his head but didn’t dare look up at him. I didn’t know what I would see in his eyes right then and had no idea if I could deal with what I would see.

“Yeah. At the end of the first week, on the last stop of our pseudo-tour that Rich arranged to give us his version of a real rocker experience, I woke up in a hotel room with three girls lying on top of me.”

I shut my eyes tight, trying to block out the mental picture he’d just put in my head. I couldn’t, ah fuck, I couldn’t. Before he’d left, I’d known that there was a huge chance that something like that would happen, that he’d cheat. But after that last night, after he’d made love to me all night long, I’d thought my fears weren’t anything to worry about.

Sucking in a deep, pain-filled breath, I tried to pull away from him. Zander didn’t let me move back more than an inch before tightening his hold. I still didn’t lift my eyes to meet his and he didn’t try to force me to, but I could feel his gaze drilling into the top of my down-bent head.

Tears stung my eyes and clogged my throat, my heart breaking for the second time in my life over this man. I didn’t expect it to hurt this much, didn’t think I could still feel this kind of pain over something that had happened another lifetime ago.

“I went a little crazy when I opened my eyes and saw what I’d done. Tore the fucking room apart. It took Wroth and Devlin to calm my ass down. When I was able to think a little clearer, Dev told me that nothing had happened. I’d passed out and the girls had just stuck around. Later, I found out Branson had paid the girls to make it look like I’d fucked them.” His voice was full of a menace I’d never heard before from Zander.

Slowly, I lifted my eyes and met his dark green and gold eyes. “Y-you didn’t…? But…”

Zander lifted a hand that noticeably shook and wiped away a tear that I hadn’t realized had fallen from my eyes. “The second week I stayed drunk because I realized I’d been right all along. I wasn’t good enough for you. I didn’t fuck those girls, but what about the next time? I was a fucked-up mess and you deserved so much better than that. I wanted my rock-star dream and I wanted you, but I couldn’t have both. I picked one over the other. You deserved a man who would pick you over anything and everything else, Anna. That guy wasn’t me.”

I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “So why couldn’t you just tell me that?”

He flinched at the chill in my tone. “Because I knew if I heard your voice, I’d throw away my dream and be home with you. I’d have given it all up in the blink of an eye if I’d talked to you, baby. But I was too much of a pussy, and too much of a selfish bastard to do that. Part of me liked the lifestyle I’d found with OtherWorld. I was living the dream I’d envisioned for myself for most of my life. Playing my music for thousands of fans every night, hearing them chant our name, seeing them rock out with us. It was a high all its own. I wasn’t ready to walk away from that yet.”

Oddly enough, I understood where he was coming from. Even at sixteen I’d known that Zander would always pick his music over anything, me included. I’d even accepted it—or so I’d told myself. Hearing him admit it now was like being punched in the chest. I didn’t know what hurt more, the thought of him cheating on me just days after making me a promise to come back for me … or having him say out loud that I’d come in second place.

No one wanted to be second best, damn it.

I pushed against Zander’s chest until he dropped his hands and took three steps back. “From the time you started playing with my brother in the garage, I knew you were destined for great things, Z.” My voice was raspy from the tears I refused to let fall. I’d cried enough that day. I wasn’t going to shed another one. Not when I’d known better, but still hoped for something more…

Fucking hope destroyed lives.

“I knew it and yet I let myself fall in love with you anyway. I knew it even though I let myself believe you when you gave me your grandmother’s ring and promised me that you would be back. I can’t blame you for something when I knew better than to hope I would ever mean more to you than what everyone could see you ached for.” I pushed my hair back from my face and finally met his gaze. My eyes ached, but not with tears. They were dry now. So dry I doubted I’d ever cry again. “So if anyone is at fault here, it’s me. I’m the one who hoped for something I knew I couldn’t have—even if it was just a small piece.”

His face tightened, but I turned away from him, hurting too much to worry about his own pain right then. I loved him so much—I probably always would—that seeing his pain would only increase my own and I’d want to comfort him. To tell him it was going to be okay.

This time I couldn’t do that.

Going to the coffee pot, I poured two cups of the strong coffee and placed his on the island in front of him before moving into the living room and quickly made my way upstairs. I went to Mieke’s room, pausing at the door to suck in several steadying breaths before I knocked twice and opened it.

My daughter sat up, pushing her tangled curls out of her face as she yawned. “What time is it?” she grumbled.

I had no idea. Glancing at the digital clock on her nightstand, I saw that it was just after six thirty. “How about pancakes for breakfast?” I offered, needing something to do to distract myself from the pain that was cracking me from the inside out.

Gold-tinted green eyes brightened. “Can I call Ben and Audrey to come over?”

Somehow I kept my smile in place. “Let’s just keep it to us and your dad this morning.” I was exhausted—emotionally and physically—after only an hour of sleep the night before. If my niece and nephew came over for breakfast, I’d probably lose what was left of my sanity trying to keep up with all their excited chatter.

Mieke’s eyes widened as if her sleepy mind had just remembered that her father was in our house. “Okay. I’ll be down in a few minutes.” I nodded and turned to leave. “Mom?”

I stopped at her hesitant tone, my back to her, and glanced at her over my shoulder. Praying my smile didn’t crack my face, I lifted a brow at her. “Yeah, baby?”

“I love you. You know that, right?”

If I thought I couldn’t hurt any more than I already did that morning, I was wrong. I could and did hurt more, but at least this hurt was the good kind. “I love you too, honey.”