“Kenz, wait!” he calls out, but I can’t bear for him to see me like this.

“No don’t, Beau. Just leave it,” I manage to say before escaping the kitchen.

“I’m no good for you, Mackenzie. This—”

“Is a mistake. I got it.” I stop, turning back to finish his sentence and holding the disappointment from my voice. The last thing I need to become is some desperate woman in an off and on sort of relationship.

“No, darlin’, I’m just looking out for you. You don’t need this kind of fucked up.”

I shake my head, done with his excuses. I’ve lived fucked up. I was married to it. Beau is not fucked up. I know it with everything in me. The totality of his commitment to me proves he is nothing like Chad.

He’s the one who gave me hope when Chad took it away. He’s the one responsible for giving me a life I never thought I could be worthy of. Because of him, it's as if everything has been wiped clean.

“Do you want to be with me, Beau?” His eyes close at my question as if it pains him to answer.

“So much it hurts, darlin’.”

“Then be with me, Beau. Be with me how you want to be with me.” I offer what I think he needs from me. Not because I want it, because the truth is I don’t know if I will, but because he does and I want him any way I can have him.

“Kenz, it doesn't work like that.”

“Why not, Beau? I need this as much as you do.”

“Because I don’t want you to give it to me, darlin'. I want to take it. And as much as you think you’re ready, you’re not.”

“How do you know I’m not ready? I’m willing to try.” I am. I’m willing to do anything for him. And maybe it’s stupid, maybe it’s dangerous, but I trust him. Trust him more than I trust anyone in my life.

Beau would never hurt me.

“I know, darlin’, believe me I know, but I’m not prepared to push it.” The room falls quiet as we both process what is happening here. We both want the same thing, but in different ways.

“Then I can’t live here with you like this. I thought I could move past this, but I can’t. It’s too much. It hurts too much.” He looks up at my confession.

“You’re right. It’s not fair. I’ll stay at the clubhouse,” he offers, and it almost pains me as much as his rejection.

“No. I don’t want to be here. I’ll move out, find my own place. You’ve done enough for me since I came to you.”

“Don’t make any decisions tonight. We’ll talk in the morning.” He shakes his head, not setting anything in stone.

“Yep.” I sigh, turning to continue walking to my room.

Tomorrow we will talk. I will make it clear I’m not staying here. I need to be away from Beau. Away from everything that reminds me of him.

If it means leaving Rushford, then so be it.

Eighteen

Beau

“We’ll talk in the morning,” I tell her, knowing she won’t see any reason tonight. How can she after what I just did.

“Yep.” She turns and walks out. I want to call out to her, tell her to come back, but I don’t. I let her go.

Like you should have before you fucking touched her, asshole.

Grabbing another beer from the fridge and my cut off the floor, I decide to skip the rest of my dinner and call it a night. I know I just fucked up everything we’ve been trying to hold together, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure how we were going to come back from it. I had her, willing and ready, yet I froze.

Switching off the kitchen light, I make my way down to my room. Mackenzie’s door is to the left of mine and I force myself to pass it without a glance.

I open my bedroom door, walk inside and throw my cut across my bed.

Why did I pull away?

It’s not like I don’t want her. Fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted someone so much. It’s more about what I want to do to her. What I want to make her do to me.

I’ve tried to push her out of my head, tried to keep my mind off the small detail of wanting to bury myself balls deep inside of her, but everywhere I turn in this house, she’s there.

Her smile. Her laugh. Even the way she fucking smells.

“Fuck me dead.” I let out a puff of air and fall to the bed.

I know thinking of her this way is only going to make it harder for me. She’s everything I don’t need. I need control, something we both know she struggles with. Maybe with time she might be able to, but what if she never gets there. Would it be enough for me? Would my natural desire to control just fade away?

No. I doubt it.

Sitting back up, I finish off my beer deciding I need to get out of here. I change my shirt, put my cut back on, and make my way back out to the hall. I don’t want to, but I decide I should let Kenzie know I’m leaving. Walking to her door, I stop right outside of it.

“Kenzie, I’m heading out. Will you be all right on your own?” I call out to her but receive no reply. Her door is ajar a few inches, so I knock, letting the force push it open further.

She is standing there. Her pert tits take my attention first and instantly my cock stirs back to life. She doesn’t stop to cover herself and I don’t look away.

“I’m heading out.” I manage some cough mumble thing, my throat becoming dry. She doesn’t say anything and her eyes don’t leave me. I should turn away, let her change in private, but I’m lost in the sight of her.

The soft glow of her bedside lamp highlights her against the dark room but even from this distance, I can see every one of those goose bumps glazing her skin.

We continue to stand silent for what feels like hours, until the soft whisper of her nightgown falling to the floor shocks me back, like the first momentary sonic boom that fills the skies on a Fourth of July weekend. My eyes follow its descent, pausing at the lace covering her pussy.

Jesus, fuck, turn around, man.

I swallow past my hunger and try to will myself to leave, but fail when her fingers hook into the side of her lace panties.

“Mackenzie, don’t.” My warning comes out strangled, my resolve slipping, but it doesn’t stop her. She continues to undress, sliding her panties down her legs then stepping out of them, leaving her completely exposed to me.

She’s beautiful. Fucking perfect. Every fucking inch of her. But there’s an innocence to her. One touch, one taste is going to destroy me.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Go to her. Fucking take her.

“Darlin’,” I say with a heavy breath, forcing my eyes away from her naked body and back up to her face. Her pink, plump lips, swollen from our kisses, slightly part as she draws in a long breath.

“You’re making this really fucking hard to stay away.” My voice cracks as my gaze catches her hand sliding between her legs.

“If you’re not going to help me, then leave.” Her voice is barely a whisper as her finger slips between her pussy lips disappearing from view. And fuck it turns me on.

Before I realize what I’m doing, my legs carry me to her. Not giving it a second thought, I slap her hand away from her pussy and pull her naked body to me. She comes willingly, a small cry filling the room at my touch.

“Fuck,” I groan, knowing I’m close to losing control. “I need you to think this through, darlin’. Be real fucking sure, ‘cause once we start, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop,” I tell her when her chest hits mine.

“I’ve never wanted anything more, Beau.” My name coming from her lips in a plea cancels out all my reservations, and before I can comprehend what’s happening, I have her on her back on the bed.

Pulling off my cut and shirt in record time, I flip the button of my jeans. Mackenzie comes up on her elbows and watches as I lose my jeans.