“Maybe I should just meet you all at the funeral.” I look around again, anticipation building at seeing him.

“You can ride with me. It’s fine.” Holly’s hand wraps around my wrist, not letting me retreat.

“Jesse, we’re ready. Let’s go!” Nix bellows as he walks out of the kitchen followed by Kadence who’s holding Low, and Sy who’s holding X.

I stand awkwardly, hiding myself behind Holly. My hands shake at my side and my heart beats erratically in my chest knowing this isn’t going to end well. I shouldn’t have come here. I should leave before he even sees me. Before I can retreat, Jesse turns the corner and I’m shocked. It’s only been a week, but the man in front of me looks nothing like who I remember. Sunken eyes, messy hair and an unshaven face. I want to call out and get his attention, make sure I am looking at Jesse Carter, but I can’t speak. He’s broken and hurting, the urge to cry for him becoming too strong.

“Hold it together,” Holly warns just as Jesse’s eyes find mine. I don’t react at first, waiting to see how he responds. He holds my stare for a moment, before his eyes do a quick sweep of my body then rest on my neck.

“Jesse,” I finally croak out. A sob follows my greeting but I manage to keep it together.

His eyes shift back up to me at his name, but he doesn’t respond to my greeting, his stare devoid of any emotion. Fighting the need to step forward and take his hand, I tell him, “I’m sorry for your loss.” There’s a brief flash of anger in his eyes, which fades quickly into nothing, and I’m paralyzed by how quickly he shuts down.

“So, we should get going.” Holly’s voice breaks the silence, her body stepping forward and gaining Jesse’s attention. With out another glance my way, he nods once, then turns and walks out not saying a word.

“That went well then,” Holly whispers when it’s just us left alone.

“He didn’t say a word to me, Holly.” I finally drag some much-needed air down to my lungs and try not to let his indifference shake me.

“He didn’t tell you to go suck a dick either, so I think you’re winning so far.” She smiles, waiting for me to react. I don’t.

Dread sits in the pit of my belly and insecurity blankets me. I shouldn’t have come. I should have let him come to me.

What was I thinking?

Thirty-Three JESSE

“On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”

I almost laugh at the last sentence. Please, Honorable? The man being lowered into the ground doesn’t deserve such honor. He most definitely doesn’t deserve the respect.

With shaky hands, I watch my mom reach out and take the folded flag. Sobs wrack her body as she hugs it to her chest. It’s a moment of real reflection. I know I should feel something right now.

Loss.

Pain.

Peace.

But I feel nothing. I lived my life with a drunk father. A pathetic, useless father who wouldn’t know love or respect if it hit him in the face, yet we’re all here showing it to him in death. The fact I have to stand here in the first place makes me sick. I wasn’t going to come, but after a warning from Nix, Jackson and even Kadence, I knew it would be more of a hassle to fight it.

“Jesse, did you hear me?” My mother’s hand reaches out and brings me back to the moment.

“Huh?” I look up and see everyone starting to move away. Shit, it’s over?

“So, we’ll meet you back at the house?” Her face is puffy and her makeup is smudged from her tears, but she’s managing to hold it together.

“Yep, sure,” I agree, just as I lock eyes on Bell.

“Okay, love you, son.” She pulls me down for a hug and kisses me just like any other day.

“Love you, too, Mom,” I reply as she squeezes me tight.

“It means a lot you came.” She cries again, before turning and walking toward the parked cars.

I stand in place, rooted to the ground, my stare on Bell. What the fuck is she still doing here? When I saw her at the clubhouse earlier, I nearly came undone. Fucking standing there all innocent and tempting. What I wanted to do was drag her by the hand back to my room and fuck her against the wall for coming back to me when I had warned her off. But then I saw my mark on her and I wanted to fucking kick my own ass. So instead of apologizing, I was an ass and shut her out, looked at her with disdain so she wouldn’t see through my need, or my fear.

Her fucking soft smile and compassion is what makes this whole thing worse. I don’t need her to tell me she’s sorry. I don’t need her to tell me all is going to be okay, because I already fucking know it is. He’s gone. He isn’t coming back and, to be honest, I’m relieved. Sure, that makes me an asshole, a fucked-up human being, but I don’t give a fuck. Maybe now after all these years, I can find my peace.

“Jesse?” Bell’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and I realize it’s just us left.

“What?” I bark and watch her recoil.

“You were talking to yourself,” she whispers and I shake my head.

“You shouldn’t have come, Bell.” I turn from her and start making my way down to my bike. I expect her to call out, tell me to pull my head out of my ass, but the words don’t come.

Good. I mount my ride and watch her standing there, looking between Holly and me. I’m not in the mood to fight her today. She can fuck right the fuck off.

“Take her home, Holly,” I order before starting my bike.

I don’t hear Holly’s reply. Revving my throttle, I pull back, saying goodbye to my dad with a bike he never accepted.

Rest in peace.

“What about you, baby? You wanna come back to the clubhouse?” I ask the blonde sitting on my lap later that afternoon. I have no idea who the fuck she is, or where she came from but I’m enjoying her company.

“Do you even have to ask?” she replies, wiggling her ass against me. I throw the rest of my drink back, and begin to move us out of there, until we’re interrupted.

“Jesse, I think it’s time you said goodbye to your friend.” Jay, my younger brother interrupts me before I can drag this bitch to the back of my bike.

“Jay? Where the fuck you been?” I look up at the big son of a bitch for the first time today.

“I’ve been here all day, asshole.” He folds his arms in front of him and I notice how much he’s changed in the last few years. Jesus, he’s not so little anymore.

“Jesus, Jay. Might want to lay off the ‘roids.” I joke, moving the blonde out of my lap and trying to stand.

“Sit the fuck down.” He pushes me back, the momentum causing me to stumble back down onto the blonde’s lap.

“Hey, watch it, fucker.” I hear myself slur as I move off her.

“Jesus, look at you.” He shakes his head in disgust and steps back. It throws me off for a second; memories of my father standing over me when I told him I was going to be a firefighter come flooding back. The night he bullied me into joining the Marines. It all rushes back to me.

Shaking my head, I push those thoughts back down and look up. “What? Just mourning Daddy. You know? Laying the asshole to rest.” I lean forward, snag another drink and raise it in a toast. “To our asshole father, may he rest in peace.” I throw my head back and finish it off.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough? We have family here.” Jay lowers his voice. His intention is to keep me calm, but it doesn’t work. I look around at all these people who’ve come back to my mom’s house to mourn a man who they really didn’t know. They’re all so fucking clueless.