“Jesus, what the fuck was that?” Brooks asks, sitting back down.

“Nothin’,” I reply, picking up the turned-over chair.

“You still haven’t sorted business between you two?” Sy observes, hitting the nail on the head.

“Fuck.” I shake my head. Not in the mood for this conversation.

“Jesus, I feel you brother.” Sy sighs like he feels my pain.

“What? You haven’t?” I count back the weeks since X was born.

“No, but it’s been seven weeks this week. Gonna sort that shit out soon.” He folds his arms across his chest like a smug bastard.

“Well, it’s been eight fuckin’ months.”

“Fuck.” Both men share my sentiments.

“No wonder your ass is fucking cranky.” Brooks smirks.

“Not even a blow job?” Sy questions, still holding out hope for me.

“Fuckin’ nothin’.”  I think back to the last time I tried to jack off. Got me no-fucking-where.

“Well, what the fuck is going on?” Brooks folds his arms, settling in for a good conversation. “Thought things were good?”

“Things are. She’s doing a lot better. She’s still on her meds, but it’s like I got my Kadence back.”

“Then what the fuck?” Sy looks as confused as Brooks.

“Don’t know, but it’s messin’ with my head. She fuckin’ tenses up and then I can’t do it. Just can’t fucking go through with it.”  I rest my elbows on the table, rubbing my hands over my face.

“What does she say?” Sy asks, looking concerned. I didn’t think I’d be overly comfortable with talking about my shit, but if anyone can empathize with me, it’s these guys. Brooks has been married the longest, and Sy brought Holly back when we thought we’d lost her forever. Surely, their experience amounts for something.

“Nothin’. We don’t talk about it. She wants it and God knows I do, but she tenses when I touch her and I fuckin’ lose it. Can’t recover.”

“You go hit the head to get your shit to wake up?”  Brooks asks. As if I haven’t tried that already.

“Believe me, I fucking tried. Can’t even get it half-awake. It’s a blow to my confidence, and then I’m like fuck it. I’m done.”

“Shit.” Sy whistles, learning the shit I’m dealing with.

“So fuckin’ tell me how do I deal?” I ask, needing something.

“What are you afraid of?” Brooks asks this time.

“Not fuckin’ afraid.” The man in me stands up to his question, but something else tells me he’s right. I am fucking scared.

They both look up; they know I’m full of it.

“Fine. I’m scared I’ll fuck it up. She says she needs control, but I can’t fucking hand that fucker over.”

“Then don’t!” Brooks practically shouts. “You fucking own that. Find a way to give it to her, in a way she thinks she’s getting control.”

Sy nods, agreeing with him.

“How the fuck do I do that?” I sit forward, interested in what he has to say. I can’t help but think is this what chicks do with their fucking girly shit they talk about? I didn’t know, but I was curious. I need to know how to fix mine and Kadence’s problem, and I needed to fix it soon. I’m not gonna last much longer like this.

“I don’t fucking know how. Let me know what you find out.” He shrugs, shattering me without even knowing it.

“What about Viagra?” Sy asks.

“I’m not fuckin’ takin’ a blue pill, asshole.”

“Why not? You have the problem with it staying up; there’s your fix. Pop your pill and bend her over the kitchen counter. Problem solved.” He nods, proud of himself, thinking he just fixed my issues.

“I’m not fuckin takin’ it. I might have a problem gettin’ there, but I’m not eighty fuckin’ years old,” I still argue as the seed of doubt is planted. I could take it and wouldn’t have an issue with worrying about losing my hard on.

“He’s fucking thinking of taking it.” Sy smirks.

“You want some? I got it at home,” Brooks offers, ignoring my scowl.

“Why the fuck do you have Viagra?” Sy asks.

“Thought I needed it few months back. Kelly was getting harder to keep up with.”

“You use it?” I ask, interested in it more if he has tried it.

“Yeah, couple times. Good shit, but that was just a phase. Don’t need it now.”

I nod, taking in my options. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m fucking forty this year. Is this what it has come to?

“You should do it,” Sy encourages. “Take your old lady out, pop your pill, and claim your woman.”

“Yeah, you got anything planned for Valentine’s Day?” Brooks asks. Fuck is that this week? Jesus.

“I fuckin’ do this, you don’t breathe a word of it…” I can’t believe what’s coming out of my mouth.

“Scouts honor.” Sy smirks.

“Yeah, last thing you need is Jesse giving you a hard time.” Brooks laughs.

“I’m not fuckin’ kiddin’, assholes.”

“Relax, fucker. I feel ya. Fuck, eight months, man. How are you still standing?” Brooks jokes but I ignore their laughs and pull out my phone to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day. The boys don’t leave; instead, they watch me sweet talk the waitress into giving me a table on their busiest night of the year.

“Who’s gonna take the kids?” Sy asks after I start to feel good about my plan. Shit.

I pick up my phone and place a call to Red. He agrees to babysit which puts me back in a good mood. I grab my phone one more time and shoot Kadence a text.

Nix: You. Me. Valentine’s Day. Be ready at 7pm. You’re mine.

“Right, this better fucking work.” I look up at my brothers.

“It will, asshole.” Sy stands from the club table. Our club meet is now a waste of time with no one around.

“Well, I hope for your sake it does.” They both laugh, making their way back out to the bar.

“All right, back to business. You really worried about Beau?” I follow them out, done with talking about my less-than-stellar performance in the bedroom.

“You don’t see him, Prez. Each time we go on a pickup, he gets worse. I’m just saying we need to watch him.”

I nod, thinking back on the last few years. Since he lost his sister, he’s been fucked up, but he’s worked through a lot of his shit. We all have.

“Right, well, let’s find him.”

“Find who?” Beau walks in the door, right on cue and thirty minutes late.

“Where the fuck you been?” I turn to ask, but don’t let him give me an answer before I’m barking at him again. “Who the fuck is that?” I point to the small woman by his side. Her face is down, hiding her eyes, but from the angle, I can still see how fucked-up she looks. Her blonde hair is matted, with blood stained through it, but what freaks me out the most is the baby she’s holding in her arms.

“Fuck, Beau.” I shake my head. I don’t know who he brought into our club, but by the look on his face, we’re in trouble. A whole lot of fucking trouble.

CHAPT ER EIGHT

Kadence

“So, what do you think he has planned?” Holly asks from my bed as I proceed to tear my closet apart. Both babies are sleeping: Low, in her crib, and X sleeping in the pack ‘n play next to Holly. Z is over at a friend’s house. Holly came over for lunch when I received the text from Nix telling me we have a date on Valentine’s Day. At first, I was shocked. Nix hasn’t spoken to me like that in months. His alpha-way of getting his point across has always been a weakness of mine, and reading it in his message, I could just hear his voice demanding that come Valentine’s Day, I will be his. Insecurities or not, the way things have been between us these last few months had me jumping off the sofa and running straight to my closet at just the idea of a date

“Dinner? I don’t know.” I shrug, still not finding anything decent to wear. “I won’t be going anywhere if I don’t find anything.”

“Oh, please. Have you seen your closet?”