“Don’t you dare die.” The words repeat over, and over as I pump her heart, begging it to start.

“Don’t you dare die…”

My pleading pulls me from my sleep. Sweat covers my brows as memories from that night flash through my mind. Fuck, another nightmare to add to the fucking reel.

“Are you all right, Sy?” Holly’s mom asks, sitting next to me in the waiting room of the hospital.

“How is she?” I ignore her concern for me. I’m only worried about her daughter.

“I calmed her until she fell asleep.” I nod as a sense of relief fills me. I’ve been coming to the hospital every day for the last two weeks. Every day, Melinda fills me in when Holly refuses to see me, but today I just had to push. I don’t know what it is. Every day since that night in the clubhouse, I knew the connection between us was something different; something more than just a one-time deal. I was just too scared to see it for what it was. You would think watching my child take her last breath would teach me to love without attachments and fears. Instead, I held back from her, afraid of what hurt someone else could inflict on me, and look where that got me.

I should have never gone there with her, never let a part of me open up again, but I did and now I’m stuck between wanting to walk away and knowing I can't.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks again, pulling me out of my head.

“How many is that now?” I reference the panic attack. I know she told me she’s been having them. I didn’t realize how bad they were. I don’t think I can handle seeing that look of fear on her face again.

“She’s been having at least one a day, sometimes two. The doctors said to expect it. She’s seeing someone and has been prescribed something to help.”

“Any news on when they’re releasing her?” I ask the one question I’ve asked every day for the last two weeks. I hate hospitals. The sooner she’s out of here, the sooner I can relax.

“A couple more nights. They want to make sure she doesn’t have another bleed.” I nod, understanding how touch and go it was last week. After the second surgery to stop the bleed from the gunshot wound, no one knew if she was going to make it. I wish I could take it all back, get there in time. If only I didn’t fuck around arguing with one of T’s boys, I could have beaten the bullet. “You should go home,” she whispers, pulling me out of my self-loathing,

“I can’t leave her,” I tell her truthfully. I don’t even know why, but something is keeping me here. Holding me in the hospital when I can’t fucking stand to be here.

“Even though you’re struggling?” she observes, trying to figure me out.

I solemnly nod. There’s no point in denying it. “This isn’t about me. It’s about her, and I need to be here.”

“You need to give her some space. She can’t deal with everything she is going through, Sy,” she says, letting me know in her sweet motherly-way what I already know deep down inside. I might be feeling these feelings, but Holly is dealing with shit and I can’t push her.

“Go home. I promise I’ll call you when she’s released, and I’ll keep you updated,” she says, resting her hand over mine. “But please, give my girl some time,” she says, patting it softly. I haven’t had the nurturing touch of a mother in such a long time, I’m stuck in the sensation of it. I don’t move, don’t respond—just sit, lost in it.

Knowing I can’t help Holly when she is only twenty feet away from me is going to kill me, but I know if I force her, I’ll only end up pushing her further away. If I ever want her light to help me out of my darkness, then I need to wait. So I’m going to do just that. I will sit in the darkness waiting—waiting for her to come and guide me back out. And while I wait, hoping the light comes soon, I will thank God I’m not afraid of the dark.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Holly

Three months later.

“You can do this,” I say, looking at myself in the rear-view mirror. “You have to do this,” I repeat, forcing myself to just get it over with. Still outside the Knights Rebels’ clubhouse, I’m so tempted to turn around and not come back. But I can’t. I can’t keep running away.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I push my new bangs off my face and steal a breath as I exit the car. I can do this. I just need to remember my breathing exercises and pray I make it through the night. The last thing I need tonight is to lose it.

The gravel under my feet crunches as I walk to the front of the clubhouse. I don’t want to be here, but I know if I don’t pull my shit together I’m going to have Kadence and Nix on my back. It’s Kadence’s birthday party, and as much as I love my best friend, I’m struggling to even make it through the front door.

My stomach rolls as I walk past the first row of bikes lined up.

“Hey, Holly,” someone calls as I walk down the hall to the main room.

“Hi.” I fake smile and keep walking, too chicken-shit to stop and make small talk. Just get this over with, I remind myself before turning the corner to face the people I’ve been hiding from for the last few months. My eyes scan the clubhouse, and I feel lost, like everything and everyone has a purpose but me. In a daze, everything around me becomes misty, but like a beacon in the night, my eyes instantly connect with his. Oh, God. He watches me across the club and his stare alone has me wanting to turn and walk straight back out. I have not seen him since that day in the hospital when I completely flipped out. I thought for sure I would have seen him the next day. He seemed so adamant that we would be talking, but he never showed. At first, I was relieved that I didn’t have to see him and thought the panic of what he represented wouldn’t follow me. But as the days went by and he didn’t return, I realized I was wrong. The panic still came, and what he represented was still in my mind. For every day he ignored me, I became more lost. He walked away, when I asked him to, yet I needed him.

I divert my eyes finding Kadence and Nix, but before I know it, I’m back to watching Sy. His eyes narrow when they meet mine. Before I can make a move, I see him stalk toward me. I falter in my step not sure what to do. I can’t leave. I’ve made it this far. Instead, I try to find an escape, somewhere to detour away from him. But before I can come up with anything, his hand is around my wrist and he’s growling in my ear.

“What the fuck did you do to your hair?” What the fuck? The man doesn’t speak to me for weeks and that’s what he asks?

“Get your hands off me.” I jerk, trying to release myself from his hold.

“I’m not even kidding, Holly. What the fuck did you do to your hair?” he asks again. I’ve pictured this scene play out so many times in the last few weeks, and never in any of the scenarios did I think that’s what he would be asking.

“Sy, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Kadence races over to where we stand before I can answer him.

“Stay out of it, Kadence. This is between Holly and me.” Sy’s eyes rest on me, not releasing his grip.

“Like hell, Sy. Let her go,” she snaps back, moving in to break the connection he has on me. His grip softens, but still stays firm. I narrow my eyes when he smiles and my heart rate spikes up. Keep it together, Holly.

I see Nix pull Kadence back to the side, but I don’t take my eyes off the arrogant man holding me.

“You’re keeping your shit together. I’ll give you that,” he whispers, his breath warm and inviting over my ear. “But we will be talking tonight. You can guarantee that,” he promises before pulling back. I don’t move, but focus on my breathing. He’s right. I am keeping my shit together, but if I don’t get away from him, I’ll fucking lose it.

“If you’ll excuse me, I need a drink,” I say, turning my back and heading for the bar.