“And what if I can’t just snap out of it?”

“You will, Holly, and I’ll be here for as long as it takes. Even if that means days of standing outside your work and walking you home so you eat, then so be it. I won’t stop, no matter how much you push. I knew when I walked into that hospital room that you needed time, so I walked away, giving you the space you needed, but I can’t give you any more.”

“But I can’t do this,” she whispers. Her crystal blue eyes are fighting the tears that I know she won’t want to let fall. “It’s too hard to pretend when you’re so close.” Her head whips from side to side. “You make it so hard.” She steps back, but I don’t let her retreat.

“Make what hard, Holly? It’s just you and me here. You don’t have to be anything other than you.” I step into her space.

“You won’t like that person, Sy. I don’t even like that person.”

“You think I don’t see it, Holly? Think I haven’t watched you these past few months as you’ve become someone who slowly falls apart? I don’t like this person either. At least the person you’re hiding shows some emotion; this person standing here is trying to find a way out.” I reach for her hand. Her porcelain fingers, looking so clean, so pure against my inked ones.

“It’s okay to not be okay, Holly.”

“No, it’s not, Sy.” She pulls away, turning her back to me.

“What are you so afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of what you’ll see,” she admits. If she knew what I hid, what I’m so afraid of people seeing, she wouldn’t be so afraid.

Darkness has stolen her, and something in me needs to be the person to save her.

“I don’t want to fight anymore, Sy,” she whispers so faintly I strain to hear her words. But I do hear them, and allow them to give me permission to wrap her in my arms. To hold her and help conquer the demons she fights.

If only I knew what I was battling.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Holly

“Oh, my God. Don’t look now, but that sex on a fucking bike from last week is about to walk in the shop,” Gabrielle says from behind me. Instantly, my hands go to work of their own accord and smooth the front of my blue shift dress. “For all that is holy, you’ve had sex with him, haven’t you?” She elbows my side when she sees my reaction to spotting him.

“What? I have not,” I defend myself just as he walks in.

“Hey,” he greets me before nodding at Gabrielle.

“Hey,” I reply, the sight of him causing me to fumble with the pen I was using to fill out a client card.

“You free?” he asks, looking around the quiet salon.

“She was just about to take a break,” Gabrielle answers for me. If Sy wasn’t watching me carefully, I’d kick her.

“Don’t you have work to do?” I turn and ask her.

“No, I’m good,” she smiles.

I don’t push it further. Turning back to Sy, I decide my best bet would be to move away from her.

“Guess I’m free,” I say, filing the card away for later. “Let me get my bag.” I turn, leaving him alone with Gabrielle. Calming my nerves, I hang up my work apron, and fix my hair before heading back out.

“And you have other artists working there?” I hear her ask as I walk up to them.

“Yeah, we just put on another artist. Give the shop a call. They’ll fit you in,” he tells her, bringing his eyes to me. “You ready?” he asks and I nod. Am I ready?

“You don’t have anyone in for an hour, so take your time,” Gabrielle calls out. Gritting my teeth, I vow to kill her when I get back.

“I’ll have her back in time,” Sy answers for me. And I hear Gab laugh. Bitch.

“So, what’s up?” I ask when we walk down the sidewalk. I don’t know where we’re going, and I don’t find myself asking.

“Want to get some lunch?” he suggests, pointing over to one of my favorite diners, ‘Happy Chef.’

“Okay,” I agree. We walk over and get ourselves a booth toward the back.

“Sy, what’s up?” I ask again, wondering if I’ll get an actual answer this time. The waitress hands us our menus and leaves us to look them over.

“Not much. What’s up with you?” he asks, looking at me over his menu.

“No seriously, what’s going on?” I demand when he goes back to studying our meal options. I don’t know why he thinks I will just go along with this little charade. I’m not sure what has changed with him, but this new friend business is starting to freak me out. What’s worse, is every time I see him, he reminds me of the baby, but at the same time, he makes me forget. How’s that for a contradiction?

“I wanted to see you,” he says straight out. No games, no lies.

“Okay, why?”

“I don’t know why.” He places the menu down. “Fuck, Holly. I don’t know what you want me to say. I’ve tried not to want to see you, tried to go back to ignoring you, but I can’t.”

“Why?” I find myself asking. “What’s changed?”

“I don’t know,” he repeats like the thought annoys him. I don’t know what to say, how to respond. The two times we were together were intense; I’ll give him that. But he showed no sign of wanting anything more.

“Sy, I’m not ready for this. I’ve spent the last few months reliving that nightmare, and I’m getting there. I promise you I am. But this,” I gesture between us, “this isn’t going to happen,” I confirm, and I hate myself for it. I don’t know if he thinks he owes me something or what, but the last time we spoke before the shooting, we had no plans to start a relationship.

“Fuck, Holly, I’m not asking for anything. I just…” He takes a breath to gather himself. “I’m not labeling this. I’m not talking about what this is when I don’t even understand it myself. But when you walked out of that clubhouse that night of the barbecue, I knew I wanted more. I might not have admitted it, might not have showed you that, but you had gotten under my skin and nothing I did was getting you out. I was so close to following you, but I held off, and I wish I hadn't. Then that shit with Zane went down. I nearly fucking lost you before I ever had you. I can't even tell you what I was feeling then; it fucked with me, Holly. This, right now, is what this is about. I get that this is hard for you, but it’s the same for me. Don’t make me label it. Don’t make me explain it. Just let this be what it is,” he says, holding my gaze.

“You guys ready to order?” the waitress addresses us, breaking the moment before I can answer him.

“I’ll have a club sandwich and a diet soda, please,” I order and wait for Sy to place his.

Just let this be what it is. Can I do that?

“So, we’re not going to talk about what this is. I’m just going to put up with you randomly showing up at my workplace and being my friend?” I surmise when the waitress finally leaves us.

“Yes, and you’re going to do it with a smile,” he adds.

“And what happens when—”

“We’re not talking about when, why, or how,” he points out.

“You know that sounds ridiculous?” I ask.

“Don’t give a fuck,” he shrugs.

“Okay…” I tentatively agree, still not feeling okay with this situation at all. Whatever is going on between us can go one way, or another. I know that right now I’m not looking for anything more, but I can't help that feeling of knowing that whatever is going on between us could be destroyed with my secret. Part of me is telling myself I should tell him now before it’s too late. But then the other part is telling me I’m not ready to get into it. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I wish I didn’t have this secret to keep. Maybe things would be a lot easier if I tried to forget about it.

***

“What the hell are you doing here?” Sy’s deep rumble comes from behind me as I check in for my daily workout.

“Wh…what are you doing here?” I stammer for a moment wondering why Sy just walked into the gym. My gym.

“Working out,” he says, checking in using his electronic card. Shit. Sy works out here?