‘Liv!’ A voice yelled, from inside the fire exit. ‘Are you coming, or what?’

Liv gave a snort of annoyance and put her head inside. ‘Two secs!’ she yelled, before turning back to me. ‘Well, he’ll have to let you go, eventually,’ she said.

I nodded, resignedly.

‘So, who was this guy?’ She seemed half excited, half…worried.

‘I…’ I began, then stopped, and looked away. I wanted to tell her, but how could I explain what had happened? I couldn’t tell her about the episode at the F Bar and, without that, I couldn’t tell her the truth about the rest of it.

Hell, I didn’t know what the truth was myself. What I’d thought might be the start of something, had turned out to be something quite other, but what…I didn’t know. Did he pity me? Did he want to use me? Whatever I was to him, I was one of a string of women – that much was clear from what Valentina had said.

I looked up at Liv, who was regarding me coolly. She shook her head, looking anxious. ‘I’m going to have to go, hon. Tell me after the gig, okay? It’ll only be an hour or so.’

‘Okay,’ I said, following her back inside. This time, the spotlights were on, and I couldn’t make out any faces in the crowd. They were all in darkness. I stepped carefully down off the stage and went to stand over against a pillar on the other side of the room to where I’d stood the last time…just in case.

Thirteen

Her

I might as well have not bothered. I’d only been standing there a few minutes, sipping at my beer, when I felt a tap on my arm. I looked around to find Chris standing at my shoulder.

‘G’day,’ he said. ‘Stranger.’

‘Uh…’ I shrank away from him, feeling the blood rushing to my cheeks, as I remembered the last time I’d seen him, and how I’d fantasised about him that very morning.

‘Thought you might be here tonight,’ he said. ‘Seeing’s your mate’s band’s on again.’

‘Yes.’ I nodded, dumbly – not sure what to say. ‘I said I’d come along and…’

‘Well, who have we here?’ Someone else spoke, on my other side. I span round to see who it was. Stef – it would be. I shrank back towards Chris, willing myself to say goodbye and head to the toilets…the bar…anywhere. But I didn’t move.

‘So,’ Stef said, running his hand down my arm. ‘Come back for more, have you? Good girl. Hope your mate’s not going to interfere this time, sticking her fucking beak in.’

‘Ignore him,’ said Chris, coming round to face me. ‘He’s just a tosser. He can’t help it.’

‘Aw, come on mate.’ Stef elbowed him out of the way, and pushed himself up against me, pulling his head back to look into my eyes. He stank of sweat and beer. They must have been drinking for hours already, but it hardly registered with me, and I stared back at him. His eyes were stunning, crinkled and dark, set with thick, straight lashes. I couldn’t look away. ‘She was gagging for it, weren’t you, babe?’

I couldn’t speak. I was starting to pant, half in panic, half in excitement. I knew I should push past him and walk away, but I couldn’t. The feeling of his hard, muscular body, in such close proximity, the memory of sucking on his cock in this very bar, the feeling of hands all over me… I was frozen to the spot.

‘See?’ said Stef, in tones of triumph. ‘She wants me. I knew she would.’

He pulled back from me and motioned over to the rest of the Aussies, in the corner of the bar. Within moments, I was surrounded by the whole group of them. They were talking and laughing excitedly, saying hello and pawing at my arms and shoulders.

There you go again, I told myself, trying desperately to put into practise the distancing technique I’d learnt earlier that day. Thinking that you want this. It’s just a thought. Recognise it, then put it to one side.

The problem was that it wasn’t just a thought – it was a feeling, and I didn’t want to put it aside, not for anything. Stef pressed himself up against me again, and I could feel his hard cock, pressing into my leg. He pulled back again briefly and, as he did so, two of the other Aussies took my arms and held them back, against the pillar.

Chris tried to push Stef aside, but he was having none of it. He lunged in to kiss me and, as he did so, grabbed the bottom of my vest, pulling it up until my bra was exposed. I knew I should try to stop him – cover myself up – but I was falling into the moment. As he traced a line up my stomach with his finger, I let out a sigh of bliss and arched my back away from the pillar, pushing myself against him.

‘For fuck’s sake, Stef!’ Chris tried again to muscle his way in. ‘Don’t do it here. Give her some credit. Everyone’s watching.’

His words jerked me out of my almost trance-like state, and I gazed around me. He was right…people were looking.

‘Fuck off, mate.’ Stef threw him an irritated look, then turned back to me, lifting both hands to caress my breasts.

But the spell was broken. All I could think of was Chris’s words; Give her some credit…everyone’s watching. He was right – Stef shouldn’t be doing this to me here, and I shouldn’t be letting him.

As I went to push him away, it dawned on me that my arms were pinned to the sides of the pillar. I couldn’t stop him if I wanted to. For a moment, I almost went with it. After all, I could enjoy it now, guilt-free…there was nothing I could do about it.

Then, the Filth Monger’s words came back to me; Don’t end up plastered across the papers, he’d said. Or, worse, dead in some gutter. Call me.

It was the push I needed to bring me to my senses – the whole fantasy shattering around me, like a mirror smashing into powdered glass. I tried to wrench away from the hands holding me, but they had me pinioned too tightly by my wrists and elbows for me to do anything but wriggle my shoulders. As I struggled, they began to cheer, and this just made me fight all the harder to free myself.

‘Calm down, babe,’ Stef said, sounding breathless. ‘You’re drawing too much attention to yourself.’ He put his fingers to the lace at the top of my bra and started to pull it down, exposing more and more of my breast until I could see the tops of my nipples. A few seconds more, and my breasts would be totally bared – just like in my fantasy – but, this time, it wouldn’t just be the Aussies who saw them. Everyone nearby was looking over, and none of them showed any signs of intervening.

I started to panic, wriggling my shoulders harder and harder, and pulling away from the pillar with all my strength. Eventually, they seemed to relent, and let go. I pushed Stef away so forcefully he went crashing into the crowd of girls behind him.

Chris was just standing there, his arms at his sides, looking horrified.

‘I’m sorry,’ I stammered, then headed for the stairs.

As I ran up them, panting with frustration and relief, I knew it was no good. Therapy wasn’t going to help because I didn’t want help, I wanted something else. God, what was wrong with me? They were just using me. They didn’t respect me at all, with the possible exception of Chris, but even he… Christ, I had no self-respect – how could I expect anyone else to respect me?

And if they could do that to me in the middle of a public bar, what would they have done if we’d been somewhere more private? My arms and shoulders were sore and aching from the struggle. I rubbed my left elbow as I left the bar. There was already a bruise coming up, just above it. If we’d been somewhere quieter, I knew they wouldn’t have let me go so easily, if at all. Not only that but, if I’d got too distressed, what would they have done to shut me up?

Don’t end up dead in some gutter.

The trouble was, despite everything, a part of me still wanted to go back into the bar, or so I told myself. I had to go home, and stay there. Liv had been right all along. I wasn’t safe out.