I merge onto the freeway and Neil is still silent. He seems tense, and a touch preoccupied. He hasn’t even looked at me once since we pulled from his folk’s driveway. He just sits there, staring out the window. What’s up with that?

We roll to a stop at the lights in the downtown stretch of freeway. I glance at him out of the corner of my eyes. All the time we’ve spent outdoors has darkened his tan to a rich bronze. It makes his bright green eyes just pop from his face. There are more sun streaks in his brown hair. Probably because of all the saltwater and surfing. I like that he never pulls the long waves into a ponytail. Some guys are made for long, messy hair. Neil is definitely one of them. Even that outfit seems to make him look better. He’s wearing a pair of faded shorts, a baggy t-shit, and flip flops. He looks hot today, even sitting there all distant and jerk-like.

A honk makes me return my focus to the road. Crap, green light. I wonder how long I sat there checking him out.

I put the car in gear and start driving again. Ten minutes later, I turn onto the highway to the mountain.

“This may surprise you,” I say, a touch sarcastically, “but I don’t know where Knapp’s Castle is. You’re going to have to start talking soon if you want us to get there.”

Neil rakes his hand through his waves, lets out a poorly concealed long, slow breath, and then turns to look at me.

“Sorry. Just got a lot of shit on my mind,” he says.

“Good or bad?”

He shrugs. “Depends on how you look at it.”

He pulls out his cigarettes and lights one. He adjusts how he’s sitting, as if uncomfortable in his seat, and my eyes follow his hand as he adjusts himself there.

I look quickly away.

Neil points. “Turn right, there at Old San Marcos.”

I turn onto an unfamiliar road that is extremely intimidating. Narrow, curving, and a sharp uphill incline. I turn out on the shoulder before I enter the one lane nightmare.

I unbuckle my seatbelt. “You drive.”

Neil gives me an irritated stare. “You give up too easily. You can do this if you try. It’s not that bad.”

I climb from my seat and slam the door. “I don’t know where we’re going and I’m not driving up that.”

Neil climbs from the car. He holds my shoulders, shaking his head, his greens eyes full of amusement at me. “You could have done it if you’d tried. You’re such a scaredy-cat,” he says

I watch him move to the driver’s side of the car.

Quickly, I mock, “Did you just call me a scaredy-cat? Scaredy-cat? Such a girly thing to say for such a manly guy.”

I make it a point to laugh obnoxiously loud at him.

He arches a brow. “Fine. Would it have been better if I called you a pussy?”

The blood jolts in my veins. He’s pissed, suddenly pissed out of nowhere. I always insult, we always trade barbs. They bounce right off him most of the time. Why did that one piss him off?

I sink onto the passenger seat. Neil is confusing and weird today. He turns the ignition, puts the car in gear, and speeds away from the shoulder with more speed than I think is necessary.

After the first three hairpin turns I’m really glad I made him drive. The road is intense and slow going, and I’m definitely not a fan of the blind-turns as we move up and up the mountain. But it is pretty up here. Lots of old oak trees and tall, brown grass covered fields.

I wonder what it would have been like to grow up like Neil. Always having to invent your own ways to have fun, surrounded by a big family, lots of friends, doing nothing at all, and belonging somewhere. Normal, instead of how I was raised. It’s probably why he’s so comfortable in himself. It’s probably why I’m never comfortable in me.

I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes. No, Chrissie. No. Don’t go back into the lockboxes. Things are better this year.

After the long drive, the car stops. I open my eyes. There’s nothing here. A dirt road blocked by a rusty fire gate. But there are cars parked all over the clearing.

“Knapp’s Castle?” I ask.

Neil laughs. “I can’t believe you’ve never been up here. What the hell did you and Rene do for fun in high school? Just clubbing and the beach?”

I ignore that. It’s not worth pointing out that I was locked away for eight years in boarding school. It’s also not worth pointing out that clubbing and the beach are normal things people do in Santa Barbara.

He climbs from the car. “It’s a short hike. Not bad. It’s worth it when you get there.”

A hike? So we’re hiking today. He moves on toward the gate without even waiting to see if I follow. He plants his hands on the top rail and effortlessly pulls the rest of his body over.

I stop at the gate. I stare. There is a no trespassing sign.

“Ignore that,” Neil says. “Everyone comes here. It’s open to the public. I don’t know why that sign is there.”

I start to work my way through the wide spread bars, but he shakes his head, amused. He makes an aggravated gesture with his hand for me to move closer to him. Without warning, his hands take hold of my sides and he lifts me easily over the bar.

He sets me on my feet. “It’s easier my way,” he says.

I glare up at him, adjusting my clothes back into place. I’m really regretting the clothes I put on this morning because my shorts suddenly feel too short-short. They rode up for some reason when he lifted me. And I’m definitely not loving this tight tank with bikini top underneath. My boobs also got all out of whack, being manhandled over the barrier.

I look up to find Neil watching me, looking annoyed. I stop fiddling with my clothes. He shoves his hands into his pockets and starts walking.

“Come on,” he says.

We start walking up the dirt path to whatever is at the end of it.

“There are a lot of cars parked at the gate,” I say. “This must be a popular place. Is it always crowded up there?”

“Nope. Never crowded. Hardly anyone ever comes up here.” Neil sighs. “As for the cars, I should have told you, but this is sort of a family thing with my cousins. We all take off this weekend. They go back to school. I go back to mops and brooms.  We always just get together here at the end of a holiday. Just sort of a family thing we do.”

My eyes round. A family thing with his cousins. It surprises me that he wanted me to tag along with him today. He hasn’t let me within ten feet of his family since that day I met them.

“So what is Knapp’s Castle?” I ask.

Neil shrugs. “Just some mansion that was built. I don’t know when, around the early nineteen hundreds. Then there was a fire, like thirty years later, and ever since it’s sat there, in ruins. It’s cool though, trust me.”

A burned out mansion. Interesting.

“Lots of people believe it’s haunted,” he says, amused. “People get swept away with such bullshit, but we used to come here on Halloween when we were in high school.”

“Why haunted?”

“The rumor is, some rich guy built it for a woman he loved. She never came to him here. So when it burnt down he left it that way and now he haunts it.”

I smile. “I like that story. It’s romantic.”

Neil’s eyes darken. “Only a girl would see that as romantic. Building a house for someone who doesn’t want you and then losing everything by fire.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, it doesn’t sound romantic the way you put it.”

Neil frowns. “It’s not romantic any way you put it. There is nothing romantic about loving someone who fucks up your life.” He says that practically through gritted teeth.

I focus on the path as we continue to walk. I wonder if it’s her, if she’s what has him acting grumpy and weird today. I don’t know Neil’s ex-girlfriend’s name. He’s never mentioned it. We don’t pry into each other’s shit from the past.  I stare down at my feet. We both have shit from the past.