~~~

I should be studying.

My head sways and I move my body slowly up Neil’s erection. I stop just before he’s out of me, planting my hands on his chest and opening my eyes to look down at him. His face is flushed, passion-taunt, in that way he has when he really wants to cum and is fighting not to.

I slam down, taking him as deep as I can. He groans and my muscles clench, getting wetter. I love when I ride him. I can make myself come when I ride him. It doesn’t happen when he controls the fucking, but it always does when I fuck him.

I do another glide up. Another slam down.  I’m there, on the edge. I do a slow swirl of my hips, keeping him buried as deeply as I can. I reach for his hand, guiding him to clutch my nipples in a way so that it’s the callused tips pinching and stroking me. I move again.

My head goes back. Heat runs across my surface. “Ah…Ah…Ah…”punctuates my breaths as I shake with my climax.

I’m panting, consumed by shudders, my limbs too weak to support me. Neil lifts up, propped on an arm stretched behind him, his other arm encircling my waist as he pounds into me. Harder and harder with each thrust. They’re gloriously painful.

I’m no longer here. My body has no sensation. Every part of me is numbed by fucking, and I’m nothing in this brief moment but tissue and bone Neil thrusts into.

His face presses against my neck beneath my hair. His tempo builds. His breath is warm and rapid.

Everything in his body tenses. “Oh, Chrissie…I love you…” He erupts, spilling into me. “I love you…”

~~~

I sit on the bed in my Cal t-shirt trying to focus on my text-book.

Neil is naked and reclining beside me. He’s been sitting there for over an hour, just picking at something on his guitar.

I look at him. “I have a final tomorrow. Can you go into the living room if you want to play? It’s very distracting.”

He sets down the guitar. “Ah, so you’re finally talking.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You haven’t said a word since we fucked.”

I make an exasperated face and then look down at my book. “I need to study.”

He leans in and brushes my lower lip with his thumb.

“Why are you pissed at me, Chrissie?”

I take in a deep breath. “I’m not pissed.”

Neil’s brows go up. “Bullshit, Chrissie. I know you better than that.”

I struggle to hold back my words and emotions. Finally, I toss the book away.

I don’t look at him. “Don’t say that you love me. Not even in that bullshit way guys say while screwing. I don’t want you to say you love me.”

He sits up then, more than a little perplexed. He frowns. “It’s not bullshit, Chrissie. I do love you.”

I can feel Neil studying my face. I suck in my lower lip, biting it hard, and shake my head.

He turns my chin so I have no choice but to meet his eyes. “God, you’re really frustrating at times. I just told you I love you. Don’t you have anything to say?”

I stare at him, pretending not to comprehend him.

“Chrissie? Do you love me?”

I make an aggravated shake of my head. My eyes go wide. “Fine. Yes, I love you.”

“Jeez, why can’t you just say it without making even that difficult?” He folds me against his chest, kissing my hair, my brow, and my cheeks.  “Why don’t you want me to say I love you?”

I kiss his jaw. I curl into his chest.

“I’m fucked up that way,” I whisper.

Neil shakes his head. “You’re not fucked up in any way.”

He lies back on the bed with me draped atop him. There’s a sweet kind of expression on his face and his eyes are warm as he stares at me. I muster a smile and lay my cheek on his chest.

If I’m not fucked up, Neil, why did I just tell you I love you when I don’t?

CHAPTER NINE

Summer 1990…

I park in the carport and reach over to the passenger seat to grab my purse.

I’ve just spent two frustrating hours stuck in traffic from San Francisco Airport. Why can’t Rene book her flights out of Oakland? She can be so thoughtless at times.

I make my way to the elevator. I’ve got two weeks off before summer classes begin, a Rene-free condo, and I’m going to make the most of it. When the doors open on the top floor, a blast of music rolls down the hallway.

I rush into the condo, spot Neil lying on the couch, eyes closed, and without asking I turn down the volume. “Neil, you’re going to get us in trouble with the management company.”  I start picking up the junk shattered across the floor. I see a stack of demo tapes scattered by my sound system. I pick one up. I turn to Neil with my hand outstretched. “What is this?”

Neil sits up on the couch.

“Two weeks ago Josh brought down from Seattle some instrument tracks the band has been working on.”

Two weeks ago? That was about the same time Neil told me he’d finished his probation.

“Josh was here in Berkeley? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Neil shrugs. “I don’t know. Didn’t seem important at the time. The band has a new guitarist, Les Wilson. I don’t know him. He’s from Laguna Beach. His band just broke up. They’re looking for a front man. Josh wanted me to work on some lyrics.”

I sink down on my knees beside him. “Why didn’t you tell me you were working on this?”

Neil shrugged. “Wanted to think it through on my own.”

I stare. “Think through what?”

Neil sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Josh and the guys. There’s a lot of history there. A lot of shit that wasn’t good. They’re not sure they want me. Josh made that clear. Still, he wanted to see what I could do with the instrument tracks.” He shrugs. “I sent some tapes back to them this morning. We’ll see what happens. Maybe nothing will happen.”

“How many tracks did you finish?”

“Fourteen.”

Fourteen? This must have taken up every free minute he had for the last two weeks, and for some reason he deliberately didn’t share this with me.

I feel my body flood with a chill and uncontained hurt unfurls within me.

He leans in and kisses me. “Let’s go down to the beach. I can smoke a bowl. You can tell me not to. And then maybe I’ll get laid.”

He pulls me up until we’re lying on the couch with me on top of him. I exhale a long breath that does nothing to calm my inner distress. “Forget the beach and the weed, Neil. Why don’t we just stay here?”

~~~

I walk home from the campus bookstore.

Taking only two classes in summer definitely makes it easier to lug the books home. I hurry across the street, away from Cal, then up the shaded road to the condo complex.

I spot Neil’s van in the parking lot. He’s home from work early. He hardly ever gets home this early. I step into the elevator, hit the button with my elbow, and wait for the world’s slowest set of doors to close.

After more time than seems necessary, the metal springs open on the top floor. I hurry down the hall. Struggling to balance my books in my arms, I manage to get the key in the lock, turn it, and push the door open with my leg.

I dump everything on the floor as I kick off my shoes. I step into the kitchen just as Neil hangs up the phone.

I cross the room and give him a kiss. “You beat me home. That’s a nice surprise. Why are you home early?”

“Josh wants me to come up to Seattle for a week,” he says. “Jam with the guys. See how it works. What we can create. Maybe do a live gig.”

I sink down on a chair in front of the table.

“That’s great, Neil. How long will you be in Seattle?”

I force a smile and wait while he collects his thoughts.

He sits down at the table across from me. “Why don’t you come with me, Chrissie? There is no reason why you have to stay in Berkeley. I don’t want to go up there without you.”

I sit back. “I can’t, Neil. My classes start soon.”

“They don’t start until next week.  I told Josh I want to go right into the studio. No messing around. Get to work and get out of there.”