PART THREE

Chapter Twenty

The music thudded about us. I stood for a minute, frozen, looking at Jessica’s eyes, this woman’s eyes, this woman who called herself Jessica, searching her face for confirmation. I stared so hard it felt as if my eyes would fall out of my face. She had Jessica’s blue eyes, cobalt blue, edged with a fan of brown lashes.

The music was a wall of sound, a thick pulsating force in itself. I could feel it in every part of my body; a tiny beat pulsing through every cell.

"What are you saying?" I said. I think I shrieked it. Dimly, I was aware of people around me looking at me oddly.

Jessica - if it was Jessica - put her hand on my arm. I flinched. I don't know why but I was expecting her to feel cold. Because I'd been thinking of her as dead for so long, I couldn't grasp the fact that she was standing her before me. Real. Alive. Her hand was warm. How could it be her? I put my hands up to my head again and closed my eyes. To anyone watching I must have looked crazed but I was far, far beyond caring about that by now.

"Maudie-"

Still with my eyes closed, I shook my head. I think a small part of me was thinking, hoping, that when I opened my eyes again, she'd be gone. I opened them and she was still standing in front of me. I felt the world begin to recede slowly, my vision narrowing until there was just the woman who called herself Jessica standing in front of me. There was a rushing noise in my ears, even over the thud of the music from the dance floor.

"Maudie-"

She was pulling me. Supporting me. I felt my legs bow beneath me and the floor suddenly got much closer. For one horrible second, I believed again that she was dead; dead and intent on dragging me to wherever the dead go. The rushing noise got louder and for a long, confused moment, I wasn't able to see or think anything.

Then the air became clearer and the noise lessened. I blinked, aware of the cold. We'd come outside to the back alley Becca and I had visited earlier. I wondered briefly where Becca was and whether she was looking for me.

Jessica let go of my arm and stepped back. She was smiling in a strained sort of way.

"Are you alright?" Jessica asked. I realised I was calling her that now, without the caveat I'd used before. Somewhere inside me, it was starting to sink in.

"I'm alright," I said. I wasn't; it was meaningless gabble, just a way of filling up the silence between us.

There was a flurry of movement and noise as a group of smokers came out into the street. I saw Jessica look over at them and shrink, moving back against the wall. Then she saw me looking and her frown became a smile, of sorts.

"Well..." she said.

Her blonde hair glimmered in the light from the open doorway. She was as tall as I was, almost as thin. I dredged up my memories of ten year old Jessica's face and tried to compare them with the face before me now. It struck me that she looked exhausted. There were plum coloured rings beneath her eyes and the flesh fell away beneath her cheekbones. She looked older than her thirty-three years.

The group of smokers finished their cigarettes and stampeded back indoors. For the first time, we had the area to ourselves.

I took a deep breath. "Is it really you?" I said.

She smiled again. "It's really me."

"I can't believe it." My voice slipped and I looked away, blinking. There weren't enough words in my vocabulary to start asking her all the questions I wanted to. I put a hand out to her and then drew it back. That odd, light-headed feeling threatened to swamp me again; I wanted to touch her, to see if she was real. Would she feel warm or cold? Was she really there?

She took my hand and I flinched. She kept hold of my fingers, looking at me steadily. Her hand was cold but it felt solid, the flesh of her fingers like something unnatural, plastic or rubber, against mine.

"Maudie-"

"Where do we start?" I said. My voice was ragged. "What can you possibly say? What can I say?"

"You don't have to think about it now," she said, gently. "We don't have to say anything."

The tears were threatening in earnest now. I felt one escape and make its slow way down my cheek.

"Oh Maudie-"

I held up a hand again. I couldn't have any sympathy, any softness; I wouldn’t be able to stand it, I would dissolve. I think she realised this. She stepped back against the wall again, hugging her elbows.

I took a deep breath and then another. I felt removed from myself; as if most of me was off somewhere nearby, watching what was happening from afar.

"Don't worry," she said. "It was stupid of me to - to contact you here. I might have known it would be too much."

I felt cold again. This sounded like a dismissal. "What do you mean?"

"Maudie, it was too much of a shock for you, I know that. I should have realised. I just thought - I knew you'd seen me and when you followed me the other night, I panicked. And then I thought how upset you must have been and so I knew I had to do something. So, when I saw you here, I just - I just - well, you know-"

I stared at her. I was only taking in about one word in four, but something struck a chord with me. "How did you know I was going to be here?"

She laughed, a little harsh, gasping laugh. "I didn't. It was pure coincidence, believe it or not. I admit that I've been, well, following you around a bit lately, but I was here myself, anyway. I just about dropped when I saw you on the dance floor."

I felt the first beginnings of a smile struggle onto my face. "You weren't the only one."

"No, well-” she sighed. "I've been so stupid. This hasn't gone exactly as I planned it."

There was a short silence between us.

She sighed again. "I'm going to go now. I think you need some time to let this sink in."

"Go?"

"Yes, go. I'll let you - calm down a bit."

I felt a jab of panic hit me in the stomach. As much of a shock as it had been, I didn't want to lose her. What if I never saw her again?

"You will come back again?" My voice squeaked higher. "You won't go away again?"

She looked me right in the eyes. "I promise, Maudie. I won't leave you again. I'm not going anywhere."

I was clutching my arms to my body. I was beginning to get very cold; my teeth were almost chattering.

"Do you promise?" I said, feebly.

“I do. I do promise. But-” she hesitated for a moment. ”I want you to promise me something, too."

"What?"

She moved her head a little and her eyes caught the light from the doorway. Her pupils were huge. "Don't - tell anyone about me. Don't mention me to anyone. Not yet. I don't - it's just that I have to be sure - I mean - look, Maudie, just don't tell anyone about me, okay? Not Angus. And for God's sake, don't tell my parents."

I felt a brief spasm of pain. Now was obviously not the time to tell her that her parents were dead. And Angus, too. She's got no one to come back to, I thought. Except me. I thought of everything we had to catch up on, two and half decades of life lived, of happenings and incident and memories. I felt suddenly very tired.

"I promise," I said. What else could I say?

She touched my hand for a brief moment. "I'm going now," she said. "Stay here. Shut your eyes for a moment."

I did as I was told, standing there in the night air. I felt a brief movement of air beside me, stirring my hair, and when I opened my eyes, she was gone.