The platform flickered past the speeding windows of the train as it passed into the tunnel entrance. Jake shifted his grip on the bar. He was surrounded by people but he could only think of three – himself, Jake and Veronica. Could he do it to them? Could he –

He never finished the sentence. In the next second, came the loudest sound he had ever heard, an ear-splitting roar, a wave of sound so powerful he felt the shock of as a physical blow against his body. The train jolted beneath his feet, throwing him across the carriage. There was enough time for him to gasp, just an eyeblink of time in which to feel fear before the heat and noise struck him and blackness descended. He fell forward into darkness, into silence.

PART THREE

Chapter Twenty-Five

Bella remained sitting on the bed after Jake had told her. She felt frozen there, chilled through to the bone, her hands placed either side of her legs, steadying herself but unable to feel anything beneath her palms. At some point, she’d closed her eyes, in a primitive attempt to ward off what she was being told. But the mental images that came flocking were too terrible to contemplate and she opened them again and kept them fixed on the carpet, seeing but not comprehending the dirt particles, and the hairs and the shoe scuff marks by her feet.

He sat opposite her, in the clothes-strewn armchair that stood by the window. As he’d talked, the light had faded gradually from the square of glass, and Jake’s anguished face had gradually become obliterated by darkness. Eventually, when he’d stopped speaking, they both sat in the dark room, not speaking. Bella could hear Jake’s breathing, jagged after the storm of tears.

“Do you hate me?” he said eventually, with a gasp in his voice.

“No,” said Bella automatically, although she didn’t know what she was feeling towards him. She didn’t know what she was supposed to feel. I’m too young to handle this, she thought inconsequentially.

“It was an accident. She just fell.”

“I know.”

“She missed her footing on the stairs and fell. It was an accident.”

“I know,” said Bella, again. “I almost fell myself once.”

She got up off the bed and walked stiffly over to the bedside light. The click of its switch sounded harsh and condemnatory and despite the soft glow of the bulb, she saw Jake flinch back as if the light had been a powerful spotlight. Through the numbness, she felt a jab of pity for him. He looked down at the floor, his wet face shining in the soft golden light of the lamp. Bella stood by the bed. She couldn’t quite manage to touch him, not yet. She wavered and then walked to the dressing table. Her face in the mirror looked pale, her pupils wide and shocked. She ran a trembling hand through her hair. She was very cold, almost shivering with cold. She pulled a jumper from the drawers and hesitated. It was one of Jake’s. Slowly, she refolded it and put it back.

He was watching her every movement, still breathing raggedly. For a moment, she had an inkling of the toxic stew of emotions he must be going through. Bella found an old cardigan of hers and pulled it on, fumbling the buttons, as if her fingers had gone to sleep. She sat back down on the bed, her legs suddenly too weak to carry her.

“Are you okay?”

Jake was still watching her. She managed to nod.

“I’m okay. I’m just – “

She let the sentence trail off – it was too much effort to complete it.

“Bella? You look like you’re about to faint.”

“Mmmm…”

She blinked. The room began to blur slowly and there was a rustling sound welling in her ears, like the shifting branches of the beech tree in the garden, whispering leaves. The golden glow from the light began to swing slowly in her vision.

The next thing she saw was the carpet again, a foot away from her face. She struggled, trying to raise her head from between her knees. She could feel someone’s warm hand on the back of her neck.

“Get off – get off me – “

“Sorry.”

It was Jake. She brought her head up slowly, blinked dizzily. Jake was sat next to her on the bed and she felt a sudden pulse of alarm. He must have felt her tense beside him and he gave a sudden, gasping sob.

“Oh Bella, Bella, please don’t hate me – don’t be frightened of me – I would never do anything to hurt you, never, never – don’t run away from me, please…”

“Okay,” she said, in a gasp. “I’m okay. Just  - just leave me alone for a bit, Jake. I have to be alone for a bit.”

He hesitated, until she said ‘please’ again. Then he stood up, uncertainly.

“Bella – “

She was looking down at the carpet again, trying to breathe deeply.

“What?” she said, without looking up.

“You won’t – “ he said, and stopped.

“What?”

She could hear him swallow before he spoke again.

“You won’t go to the police, will you?”

Bella blinked. She must have misheard him.

“What?” she said, for the third time.

“Doesn’t matter,” said Jake. He mumbled something else. Then she heard him say ‘I’ll be downstairs’ before the door shut behind him.

Bella lay down on the bed, pulling the duvet over her. She was still shivering with cold and clenched her jaw to stop her teeth from chattering. She fixed her eyes on the smeared paint of the bedside table and concentrated on breathing, in and out, in and out, trying to think of nothing else.

Somehow she must have fallen asleep because when she woke, the room was dark and she could feel the warm shape of Jake beside her in the bed. For a disorientated moment, she wondered whether she’d dreamed the entire conversation. Bella lay there quietly, trying to ascertain whether Jake was asleep. As if he’d read her mind, he suddenly said her name, quietly.

“I’m awake,” she said.

He shifted position, rolling over to face her.

“Bella – “ he stopped for a second, and then went on. She had the impression he’d been waiting for hours to for her to wake, so he could speak to her.

“Bella – I know that you might hate me. And I should have told you, I shouldn’t have lied to you. But Christ, can you see how my life has been since it happened? I’ve been in – in torment, wondering what to do. I’ve been suffering so much, I thought I was going mad. I just didn’t know what to do.”

Bella took a deep breath and then closed her mouth again, unable to speak.

Jake pressed on.

“Ever since the bombings – since I met you then, you’ve been my saviour. You’ve been the only person who can save me. I’ve needed you so badly all this time. Believe me, I wanted to tell you so many times but it was as if something was stopping my mouth, gagging me. And the others – “

He stopped speaking. Bella felt a sudden, unpleasant clutch of the stomach. The others – how could she have forgotten them? Carl and Veronica – the other sides of the triangle. Carl – she suddenly felt an actual, physical fear at the thought of him. And Veronica – how did she feel about Veronica?

“What about the others?” she said, so softly that Jake had to ask her to repeat herself.

“God,” he said soberly, when he’d finally heard her. There was a moment’s silence. “Christ – I don’t know. For fuck’s sake, don’t let onto them that you know.”

She felt him move closer, and recognised the touch of his hand, his fingers sliding gently over the curve of her hip. She thought of how she’d felt his hand in the tunnels, after the bombs; how his hand had led her out, from darkness into light. Tears came into her eyes. She took his fingers in hers.

“Why didn’t you go to the police, Jake? It was an accident, you said so yourself. You hadn’t done anything wrong.”

He was silent for a minute.

“I wish we had,” he said. “But – Carl said – Christ, Bella, I was in a state, I was in a mess. I couldn’t even think straight. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to go to court and tell them all the – the sordid things we’d done. And, who’s to say they would have believed us when we told them it was an accident?” He cleared his throat and spoke again in a lower voice. “They wouldn’t have believed us.”