He gripped the mantle once before letting go to face me. His eyes were burning bright with silent fury.

“You looked so innocent that day. So sweet and nurtured like you never had a bad day or did a bad thing. You reminded me of everything I was and what I wasn’t. That night I had nightmares again for the first time in weeks. But this time was different. It was you in my nightmare now, not her or any of them. I told myself that none of it was real anymore and that I wouldn’t hurt you or anyone. I didn’t want to be a bad person.” He released a dry laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “I knew then that she got to me.”

I desperately wanted to ask about this mystery “her”. Had she been a girl or a woman?

“I wasn’t prepared to see you again. I thought—I hoped, that maybe you were just passing through but then I saw you again on the playground. You were going to save Buddy when no one else would. Not even his sister would try.” He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, averting his eyes.

“There is nothing more in this world that I hate than a hero…” his gaze caught mine once more as he said, “not even you.”.

“Is that why you pushed me?”

“When I tried to stop and you wouldn’t listen, I wanted to punish you. After I pushed you, I realized I could hurt you and that I would never be good and I hated you for it. I didn’t expect you to stay. I thought again that you would go away but you never did and I was stuck with the constant reminder of who I was every time I saw you. No one could make me feel that way but you so I tried to break you. I guess it backfired because as we grew older I began to want something different from you and suddenly making you cry wasn't nearly enough. I knew I couldn’t have you because you weren’t meant for someone like me and that pissed me off.”

My mind was raced with questions. I didn’t know whether to be mad at him or sad for him. No child should have those types of thoughts or think of themselves that way, especially at that age when your childhood is so crucial to your future as an adult.

“Say something,” he demanded.

“Who was she?”

‘What?” His eyes shifted away and his face paled.

“You said you had nightmares again but about me and not her. Who was she?”

He took a deep breath and ran his hand down his face. “She was someone who didn’t deserve what happened to her.”

“Was?”

“She’s dead.”

“The girl in the picture,” I said. He nodded as I stood up and walked over to him but he took a step back, retreating from me until his back hit the bookcase. I took his face into my hands and kissed his lips softly before gazing into his eyes. I saw heat and emotion flash in his eyes and felt his body shift toward me.

That’s good baby. Stay with me.

I wanted to ask him about his nightmares but decided against it. I didn’t want to risk it. His moods shifted around like a ticking clock except no one would know what came next.

“When did you first see me?”

“At Pies, Shakes, and Things, two days before the playground. I was riding by on my bike and saw you on the other side of the sidewalk with your Aunt. It was your voice that caught my attention. You were singing along to Sweetest Thing by U2.  I sat there on my bike and listened to you try to hit every high note. It was the first time I could remember smiling ever. I didn’t see you for long because you went into the shop. I wanted to follow you in. I almost did.”

I remembered that day clearer than I’d remembered any day. I was feeling sad over being separated from my parents for the first time so my aunt took us out to get ice cream to cheer me up. I heard the song come over the radio when we arrived. It had been my favorite song so my aunt turned up the radio and I hopped out of the car to dance along to the song. I was so caught up in forgetting I was sad that I didn’t realize I was being watched.

“What was her name?” I asked. He swallowed hard and shook his head but I gripped his face tighter. “It’s okay, Keiran. Tell me. Please, I need to know.

“Why?” His voice was laced with emotion.

“Because she’s the real reason you hate me, isn’t she?” He stared into my eyes for so long that I thought he wouldn’t answer.

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to tell me why, at least not now. Just tell me her na –”

“Lily,” he blurted out before I could finish.

“Lily,” I repeated, testing her name on my lips. Strangely I felt a connection to her. Maybe it was because she was the bind that tied Keiran and me together.

“I can’t talk about her, Lake.” Keiran pleaded with me through his eyes. I kissed his lips softly which seemed to relax him and tried an easier question

“Earlier you said that you made sure I wasn’t asked out by anyone. Why?” His eyes darkened with obsession and then his hands were on my hips, yanking me into him.

“I’m not a good guy so I didn’t mind being selfish. If I can’t have you, no one will.”

“You mean would?”

“No I mean will.”

“You can’t decide that for me.” He shrugged and shot me a look that said, “Wanna bet?”

“I already did. It wasn’t just guys anyway. I didn’t want anyone near you. Sometimes it felt like I was trying to protect you. Or rather who you are. Ironic, isn’t it? I wanted to protect the very thing I hated,” he said bitterly.

“I had Willow,” I argued.

“She wasn’t a threat. To be honest she is much like you are but weird.”

“Willow isn’t weird. She’s special.”

“That’s the same as saying she is weird.”

“It is not.”

“Okay,” he smirked.

“If you felt that strongly about me what would you have done when school was over? We all go our separate ways once we graduate. Some people never see each other again.”

“Do you really believe that?” He shook his head and continued on instead of waiting for my answer. “I don’t think you would have gone far.”

“Why?”

“I wouldn’t have let you. I know that now.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“It isn’t meant to make sense, Lake. It just is.”

“You realize what you are saying isn’t normal?”

“It’s how I feel. Fuck normal.”

“Keiran, you –”

“Enough questions. Let’s go.” Without warning he grabbed my neck and began walking me backwards to the stairs.

“I’m not done!”

“I don’t care. I need to be inside of you now, he whispered” I relaxed against his hold and let him cart me off upstairs. We reached the landing and I could swear I heard moaning and a distinct thumping sound coming from Keenan’s bedroom across the hall.

Just as Keiran opened his bedroom door, Sheldon’s voice shrieked out, “Quit playing Marco Polo with my ass, Christopher Columbus. This isn’t an exploration so you aren’t putting your ding dong in this donut hole!”

I was laughing hysterically as Keiran forced me into his bedroom and shut the door.

* * *

When Keiran finally released me I backed toward the bed but stopped when he didn’t follow. He remained by the door wearing an uncomfortable expression. I stood there, motionless as I watched him watch me. He didn’t pounce on me as I expected. His demeanor was different from all the other times we’d had sex. The angry lust that was normally present in his eyes was missing. I moved toward him, thinking he was playing another one of his mind games and wanted me to make the first move. During the weeks he made me his personal sex slave Keiran would often fuck my mind harder than he fucked my body.

“Lake?” he asked, stopping me in my tracks.

“Yes, Keiran?”

“I want,” he swallowed deeply as a look of uncertainty passed through his eyes and I realized this was what Keiran looked like vulnerable. “I can’t explain what I want to do with you right now but will you just…let me?”

I didn’t answer immediately. In just a few words he managed to make me feel like a virgin all over again and not the girl who secretly craved his hard, rough, angry sex and mind games. This could very well be another mind game…in fact I knew it was but I didn't seem to care. I also didn’t realize I was nodding my head until he pushed off the door and stalked toward me. The look is his eyes although softer still made me feel very much like the prey he’d always made me feel.