And despite all that, he was still going to break her.

Shutting off the shower, he dried off and put on the clean pair of jeans and t-shirt he’d left in here this morning for his after-race shower. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Lily was still sitting where he’d left her, but she was staring off into space, deep in thought.

He walked over and sat down on the bed. “We need to talk, Lily.”

She smiled up at him, and it nearly did him in. There was so much hope on her face.

“Yes, we do,” she said. “I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that, but I was scared, and then you were safe and I couldn’t help it. I do love you, Nikoli. I have for a long time.”

“No, Lily, you don’t love me.” He shook his head. “You just see what everyone else does, and you only think you love me…”

She reached up and put a finger to his lips. “Stop right there, Kincaid. I do see what you let everyone else see—the fuck you, I don’t care what you think man, and then I see you. The man who is gentle, and takes care of those he cares about. The man who stopped what he was doing to buy a little girl a sucker because her mama didn’t have the money for it. I see the man who laughs, the man who can be kind and loving. I see the man I fell in love with, I see you.”

Nikoli didn’t know what to say. Lily really did see him, the man he hid from everyone, sometimes even Luther. How had he let her get this close?

“It doesn’t matter, Lily.”

“Of course it matters,” she argued.

“No, it doesn’t. I don’t love you, Lily.”

Her eyes. Dammit. He watched them go from so full of happiness to horror, and then to a deep and abiding hurt. It was as if someone had sucked all the joy out of them and left nothing but a broken and beaten landscape behind. Her face paled and her hands clutched the chair arms in a death grip.

She blinked, and he watched the tears pool in her eyes. More than anything, he wanted to pull her into his lap and tell her he was wrong, that he loved her too, but he didn’t. Instead he just sat there, his face expressionless.

Lily got up, and he watched her cautiously. She rummaged in her luggage until she found her tablet. She turned it on and made several swipes. What was she doing? Once she was done, she put her tablet back and then called the front desk for a taxi.

“What are you doing?” he asked, getting a little alarmed. She hadn’t said a word. He stood up and followed her.

“I’m going home.” Her voice shook. “There’s a noon flight back to Boston, and I was able to swap my ticket for it.”

“You don’t need to do that Lily,” he said. “You can ride back with me and Luther…”

“No, that’s not a good idea,” she interrupted. “I don’t want to see Luther’s pity. I’ve seen it on his face for so many other girls. I couldn’t bear it.”

“At least let me take you to the airport.”

“No,” she said adamantly. “You are in no shape to be driving. You need to rest.”

Another sharp pain ripped through him. He’d broken her heart and she was still more worried about him than her own pain.

She finished packing and then opened the door, looking at him one more time. The depth of her pain made him take a step toward her, but she put out a hand as if to ward him off.

“Goodbye, Nikoli.”

Then she closed the door, and Nikoli stumbled as he walked over to the chair she’d just been in. He sank down and put his head in his heads, knowing he’d probably screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him.

It only took a moment for the pain of losing her to sink in. He stood, his fists clenched, and stared at the door. She was gone. Really and truly gone. Anger at himself, at the situation, at Lily for just leaving swamped him, and his fist hit the wall. He let out a ragged groan, but he welcomed the pain his body was experiencing. After what he’d just done, he deserved to hurt.

Images of her flashed in his mind, laughing, joking, and the way she smiled at the simplest of things. His heart argued with him, the pain it caused so deep, he fell down to his knees as it wrenched through him.

How was he going to survive this?

***

I don’t love you, Lily.

Those words kept echoing in Lily’s mind, each one a stab into her heart. It was as if he’d taken her heart, held it in his hands for a moment, and then started to squeeze, the pain worse with each passing moment. Lily felt as if she couldn’t breathe, as if she wanted to hurl. Her heart ached, her body ached from the rejection. She wanted to cry, to wail, to shout at God, Fate, and any other entity she could blame for the pain she felt right now.

She called Adam and asked him to pick her up at the airport, and she begged him not to bring Sue. That witch was someone she’d hurt if she gave her one snide stare. Adam hadn’t asked a single question, just said he’d be waiting for her. For that, she was grateful.

The flight home was difficult. She barely kept it together. When the plane landed and they all were hustled inside, she found Adam waiting in the baggage claim area. She threw herself at him and burst into tears. As soon as she saw his familiar face, the dam had broken. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, murmuring nonsense. She cried so hard, and he just stood there and let her.

“Come on, Lils,” he whispered after a long time. “Let’s get you home, okay?”

Instead of taking her back to the dorm, he took her to the small apartment Mike and Janet shared. They were both there when Adam opened the door, but she ran past them into the bathroom. Standing was too much effort, so she lay down on the floor, her cheek pressed to the white tile that smelled like Pine-Sol.

She couldn’t breathe. She tried taking deep breaths, but she couldn’t breathe. It hurt too much. Tears slid over her nose and landed to puddle in front of her eyes on the harsh tile of the floor. The door opened and Adam came in. He didn’t say anything, he just lay down next to her. His hand found hers, and he laced their fingers together.

Her sobs shook her, and she couldn’t stop them. Her entire body cried out in denial, her soul felt like it had been torn in half. She missed him, and he hadn’t been gone for more than a few hours.

Adam rolled and pulled her into him, his stomach against her back, and he held her while she shook from grief and her sobs robbed her of breath. Adam held her while she cried, not saying a word, but just holding her to let her know he was there and she was loved. She appreciated that more than she could say.

Her sobs quieted, and she stared at the white plastic of the small tub in front of her. She wanted to feel numb, but she didn’t. Every breath, every movement hurt. Never had she imagined losing Nikoli would hurt this much. She felt like she was the one who’d been in the accident this morning. Her skin felt raw, her lungs burned, and her heart…her heart was just broken.

She was broken.

***

“You look like shit.”

Nikoli raised blurry eyes to see his brother standing above him. Kade took a seat across from him at the table. The waitress came over, and he asked for a beer. “What are you doing here?”

“Luther called me. Said you’d been drunk for the last week and you wouldn’t listen to him.”

Luther needed to mind his own damn business. Liquor numbed the pain.

“What has gotten into you?” Kade continued. “You’ve never been much of a drinker.”

That was before he lost the one person who really mattered to him.

“Go home, Kade.”

“No, I’m not going home.” He thanked the waitress as she set his beer down in front of him. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you seriously binge drinking because of some chick?”

“You don’t know a thing about Lily.” He winced at the slur in his voice. “You don’t understand what I did to her.”

Kade’s eyes sharpened. “Nikoli, you didn’t do anything that can get you in trouble, did you?”