“She lost consciousness in the ambulance,” Colby continued. “She was bleeding inside her head. They did emergency surgery but her heart stopped on the table. They couldn’t save her.”

“Oh my God,’’ I whispered. More guilt slammed through me—I’d wished her dead and now she was. I felt like I was going to throw up. Swallowing, I forced myself to ask the hardest question of all. “What about Farell?”

“He’s in surgery right now,’’ Colby said. “Nobody knows what’s going on. His parents are waiting in the chapel.”

He nodded toward a small door against the far wall.

“His mom’s been asking for you,” he added, his voice cracking.

Now I really needed to throw up. Renee Evans had been so incredibly good to me. When I’d first met her I expected her to hate me—after all, her golden boy had dragged home a girl from the trailer park. By valley standards I wasn’t even close to good enough for him. But Renee never cared about any of that. She’d welcomed me with open arms, and eventually I spent more time at their house than my own. I hadn’t let myself think about that until now—breaking up with Farell meant giving her up, too.

Pulling away from Colby, I walked over to the bathroom as fast I could without drawing even more attention. Thankfully it was clearly labeled and easy to find, because I barely made it inside before I started puking.

Everything tasted like beer and bile and betrayal.

“Darcy, is that you?’’ a familiar voice asked outside the stall. I stilled, clutching the toilet for support. Renee.

“I’m in here,’’ I managed to say.

“Thank God,” she said. “Are you all right?”

Better than Allie, I thought, feeling a touch hysterical.

“I don’t think any of us are all right.”

“Come out,’’ Renee replied softly. “I need to see you, sweetheart.”

She didn’t know, I realized. She still thought me and Farell were together, that I had a right to be here. What would she say when she found out? I flushed the toilet and stood, bracing myself. Then I stepped out of the stall.

Renee looked like hell.

Her hair hadn’t been combed and her clothes didn’t match. Way out of character, but I guess when your son’s been in an accident you don’t take the time to coordinate your outfit. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she gave me a small, brave smile as she held out her arms.

I couldn’t do it.

“Renee, I need to tell you something.”

“I already know—or at least I know enough,” she said softly. “Bryce told me about your fight. Farell had another girl with him. But I know you care about him and right now I could really use your support.”

Falling into her arms, I hugged her tight and sobbed. Everything was still awful and I was confused and scared, but just being close to her I felt better than I had all night.

“How is he?’’ I finally managed to ask.

“He’s in surgery right now,” she said, rubbing my back. “They told me his spine was crushed. We’re not sure exactly what that will mean in the long run, but it can’t be good. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, Darcy. I just don’t know. I’d like you to come wait with us, though. I think Farell would want that.”

I shook my head—she was wrong. Farell wouldn’t want that at all.

“You know, Marcus and I have been married for twenty years now,’’ she said softly. “That’s a long time—you learn after a while that you can’t judge a relationship by any one thing. People make mistakes. You have to look at all of it when you judge a man. Please come with me, Darcy. Maybe you don’t want to do it for Farell right now, so do it for me. You’ve been like my own daughter this past year. Help me get through this. Please.”

I nodded slowly, because what else could I do? Taking a minute to wash my face, I followed her back to the chapel.

________

He didn’t get out of surgery until nine the next morning. It was a success, in that he was still alive. We wouldn’t know about brain damage until he woke up.

If he woke up.

I stayed at the hospital with Renee and her husband until late afternoon. That’s when Shanda came looking for me.

“Let me take you home,” she said. “You need a shower and some rest.”

“Will you be all right?” I asked Renee. She nodded, her eyes heavy.

“Get some sleep,’’ she replied softly. “I’ll call you if anything changes.”

Thankfully, Shanda seemed to understand that I needed quiet so she didn’t pester me with questions as we drove. We pulled into the trailer park around six p.m., and I saw a motorcycle in front of my house.

Boonie.

He was waiting on the porch, his face shadowed. I got out of the car and walked over to him.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey.”

We studied each other, and for once I didn’t feel any kind of attraction. I didn’t feel anything at all—I was hollow. Used up.

Exhausted.

“I heard about Allie,” he said quietly. “Bad shit.”

“Yeah,” I said, my voice catching. “Farell’s in rough shape, too. They don’t know when he’ll wake up, or whether he’ll ever walk again. I guess it’s pretty unlikely. It was a bad accident.”

“So you were with his family . . . What does that mean?’’

I shrugged, wishing I had an answer.

“I have no idea,” I replied softly. “I don’t know what to think about any of it. I’m just so tired . . .

“And us?”

His eyes bore through me, black as coal. I studied him, remembering how he’d felt deep inside me. It’d been good. The best I’d ever had, that was for sure. But what did having sex together really mean? He’d slept with half the senior girls this past year.

“So you’re leaving tomorrow?’’ I asked after a long pause. He nodded.

“Yeah, I have to be at the Spokane airport by five in the morning.”

“Wow.”

“You need to sleep,” he said finally. I blinked. He was right—I did.

“You want to come inside?” I asked. “My dad’s home, but he won’t care.”

He probably wouldn’t notice. Between the beer and the painkillers, he’d turned into a permanent lump in front of the TV. Boonie nodded, standing and reaching out his hand. I took it, then led him to my bedroom, where we collapsed together on my twin-sized bed. I’d like to say we made sweet love all night, or that we talked and it was beautiful and special.

The truth is that I passed out in his arms and didn’t wake up for fourteen hours. By the time I stumbled out of bed he was gone, but I found a note. He’d promised to write to me.

I took a shower and went back to the hospital.

________

FOUR DAYS LATER

“He wants to talk to you privately,” Marcus told me, his eyes weary. Farell had been in a medically induced coma since the accident to let his brain heal. They’d woken him that morning, but I’d had to work and couldn’t be there. I’d come over right after finishing my shift, still wearing my uniform.

Glancing toward the ICU door, I swallowed. I felt like a giant phony, waiting at the hospital like I had a right to be here. Renee seemed to appreciate it so much, though, and even Marcus looked happy to see me.

I couldn’t understand it at first. Then Shanda pointed out that I was more than someone to sit with in the waiting room. I was a living, breathing tie to their son.

It was a lot of pressure.

Now I found myself walking into Farell’s room, wondering why the hell I was putting myself through this. He lay on the bed, hardly looking like himself. Between the bruises, the tubes, and the casts, he could’ve been an extra on a hospital drama.

His eyes opened as I sat beside him carefully.

“Darcy?” he asked in a rough, painful whisper. “Are you really here? I’ve been having dreams . . .”

“It’s me,” I said, blinking back tears. Fuck. I still cared about him—I’d come to that unwelcome realization after the second day of sitting in the hospital. Guess that’s one of life’s little jokes.

Feelings don’t just turn off.