“She should have been open and honest with mom and dad, Matt. She decided not to, this is on her and her parents. Who gives them the right to make that decision on my part?” Micah’s jerky movements about gives me whiplash. One minute he’s talking with his hands, then he changes direction.

A part of me understands where he is coming from, but I wish he could understand how I feel. I hope after he has time to clear his head, he will. Why am I more understanding than him? The only thing I can think is the fact I’ve lived with this for so long? He’s only had a few minutes, and he never had a chance to have a voice in what happened to his child. The fact he keeps talking like I’m not standing right here though, is pissing me off.

He keeps going between Matt and my parents, back and forth this and that. It’s like I’m watching a ping pong match. Blame is being thrown around, and now Matt is joining in on the blame game. I’m a bystander at the moment, watching this train wreck play out before my eyes. The sad thing is my name is being tossed around in their arguments, it’s like I’m not even around.

Clearing my throat, I want his attention. “I’m right here, look at me Micah,” I edge my way closer to him.

“Not right now Elsa, not right now.” He’s still visibly shaken staring at the ground instead of looking directly at me. I’m not getting anywhere, it seems he’s more interested in this back and forth with my parents.

My dad’s non-stop insulting Micah, with the help of my endearing mother it only upsets Matt more. Which leads to more shouting and yelling between them.

I wonder if they would notice if I left, most likely not. “Screw you all, NONE of you understand what I went through. I’m the one who was pregnant… alone… at sixteen. I had my baby ALONE.”

“Our baby.” He says remorseful.

I have no problem looking Micah in the eyes, but for some reason he has an issue doing the same with me. Too bad.

“Yeah, our baby, but where were you?” I whisper, trying to make my point as calm as I can. His eyes wince but never leave my mine, this time.

No, answer.

I keep going.

“That’s right, not with me. No, you took off, with no more than a few words with why. So why, would I go to your parents? Why, Micah? I had no one. My parents, were embarrassed with their daughter. They were cold, calculated and shipped me off like luggage only to return broken and very much lost. You know what I got when I got home… not a damn thing, no hug, no, I love you’s. I got shit, it was as if it never happened. How do you think I felt?” I kept my tone as calm as I could, the sadness in my eyes desperately trying to reach Micah.

The way he’s looking at me, it’s as if he wants to hug me, but he doesn’t. It’s his brother that breaks up our silent moment when no one dared speak.

“Oh, Elsa,” Matt says to console me. Not Micah.

My parents have stopped their insults, instead they are glaring at me like I’m out of my mind. Micah’s staring at the ground with his hand behind his neck. He’s struggling, hell if he only knew how much we all were. I’m looking at each of them, stunned no one is saying a word. Wow, I’m not sure what I expected, but this sure wasn’t it. This time standing right next to Micah who is next to Matt.

“Okay, not a word huh? Let me ask you something, do you know why no one knows, Micah? NO one cared enough to ask me. I had my baby alone, not one visitor, no one. No words of wisdom, no shoulder to cry on. The doctors and nurses wouldn’t even look me in the eye, the whole time. I had a beautiful baby boy. But before I could hold him, even get a good look at him, they took him from me. I was not allowed to see or hold him. I had my insides ripped open, scared and wanting to fucking die.”

Peering off in the distance, no one says a word. I take the chance to tell not only Micah but my parents as well since they never bothered to ask me themselves.

“I had one nurse who took pity on me, felt so sorry I had no one who cared enough to sit with me. A sixteen-year-old scared girl should never have to face that, alone. She put her job on the line and brought me a baby in a pink hat, that night. Crying and scared, she told me they put him in a pink hat so I would NOT know it was him. Shitty right? But she let me hold him, feed him and spend some time with him before the agency came and took him the next morning.” I’m completely wrecked, and exhausted retelling my story.

“That is so fucked.” It’s all Micah says. So I keep going.

“I named him…I named your son.” With my head held high, I proudly tell him. My parents never even knew.

He gasps. “What?” The pain and sorrow is apparent with his tight jaw, and harsh squint.

“I named him as he held my finger. I even took a picture. He was the most beautiful baby boy, ever.” My voice cracks at the same time my chin quivers.

My mom’s eyes fill with tears. “Elsa, you never told us?”

Yeah, I wonder why?

“Why the hell would I?” I turn in disbelief to face them. “You disowned me the minute you found out. You made me give him up, I had no say.”

My mother huffs. “For God Sake Elsa, you were sixteen years old. You knew nothing about raising a child.” My mother’s voice cold as ever. My new nickname for her is the ice queen.

I’ve heard this so many times. I’m rubbing my eyebrow like I’m warding off a headache. I sigh. “Maybe so but the way you both treated me, it was awful, and I’ve never forgotten or will ever forget. I hate what you made me do. Especially the way you treated me when I needed you the most.”

Micah’s not only agitated with me but my parents, too. He stares at me for a long moment breathing heavily. His voice cracks, “Why, Elsa? I just don’t understand why you did not go to my parents? You were so stupid not to. They would have helped you. They would have called me. And you and I could have our son RIGHT NOW.”

I flinch with the intensity and resentment in his voice. But right now, he’s pushed me too far.

“Stupid! What the hell do you know? Stop asking me why I didn’t go to your parents.” Trying to release some of my tension, I roll my shoulders. I know this will hurt him, but oh well. “You fucked up, you left.”

“I HAD TO, I had no choice.” Micah finally admits.

And here I go.

“And I HAD to give up my baby, I had no choice.” I don’t back down. I square my shoulders and stand tall. Hell you had no choice, but then again either did I!

“I don’t know what the hell to think or feel?” Micah’s pacing back and forth, talking with himself.

I’m incapable of calming him right now. If I stay things will continue to the point of one of us will say something we will both regret. To say I’m angry, hell yes I am, but I’m also heartbroken.

Biting my lip, I’ll help him out. “I’ll make it easy on you. GO.TO.HELL.”

Stomping my way to my car, I don’t even take one last glance at my parents. Over my shoulder, feeling dejected, I hollar, “All of you…can go to hell.”

THROWING MY CAR in reverse, I can see Micah yelling at me to stop. I think he’s realized he has pushed me too far. I pay no attention to him or my parents who stood in the same spot, just staring at me as I drive away. Matt is the only one looking up at the sky, searching for answers he most likely will never find. I should know I’ve done it for years.

Screeching my tires, my anger has me so worked up my body is trembling from head to toe. I so badly want to yell, hit something, or just drown myself in vodka. Any of the three would work, but the idea of liquor numbing this crushing feeling in my chest seems to be the winner.

Growing up in Cedar Rapids, Iowa does not leave much to choose from when it comes to bars. After driving around for what seems like forever, I ended up at a dive on the South part of town. The Pink Safari, an out of the way place with pink flamingo’s decorating the outside seemed liked the perfect place to drown myself. No one would think to look for me here. Micah and I need time to cool off. Only then can we talk rationally. Right now, emotions are at an all time high. He needs time to process this, alone.