Chapter 20

We sit as close as possible on the porch swing. Pink, purple, and orange clouds stretch over snow-capped mountains, glowing behind the setting sun. I fell asleep after making love to Haley, drifting into a deep and peaceful sleep for four hours. She is better than any drug, any drop of alcohol. She doesn’t just dull the pain; she takes it away.

She’s my light in the dark.

I am in love with her. Undeniably, completely in love with her. But I don’t tell her. I won’t tell her, not yet.

“Will you stay the night with me?” she asks, running her nails up and down my arm.

“Yes,” I say with no hesitation, pushing off the porch and rocking the swing. Haley has her legs tucked up under her and her head resting on my chest. My arms are wrapped around her, holding her close to me. We’ve been sitting on the porch, watching the sun sink behind the mountains for a while, just enjoying each other’s company.

There is no hiding anything with Haley. I don’t have to act how Aiden Shepherd should act. I am just me. She sees me for who I am, the man behind the mask of fame and fortune. She makes me feel whole, makes me feel like I’m worth more than playing a part. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

“I don’t want to go back to work,” I sigh. I don’t want to leave this porch, leave this farm. I don’t want to ever leave Haley.

“I bet I don’t want to go even more,” she says back. “At least you get free lunch.”

I laugh and bend over, kissing her soft lips. “That is true. And I don’t have a boss who’s trying to look down my shirt at my tits every time he walks by.”

“No, only a few million strangers,” she says with a smile. “But not at your tits.”

I laugh. “I’m not supposed to go back to work yet,” I tell her. “I’m supposed to be resting for the rest of the week.”

“Really?” she asks, and the hope and excitement in her voice makes me want to tell her how deeply I feel. I almost do right then and there. Almost. Am I a fool for rushing into this? I don’t care if I am. I know how I feel in this moment, and the moment is all that matters. Life is too short to spend worrying about what is appropriate when it comes to matters of the heart. I know how I feel and I am in love with her. “What are you going to do?”

I shrug. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. I suppose I could go home.”

“Oh,” she says, the dejection heavy in her voice.

“Or I could stay here…with you.”

The smile returns to her face. “I’d like that a lot.” She takes my hand in hers and absent-mindly runs her fingers over the scars on my wrist. “What happened?” she asks softly, her fingertip hovering over the scar.

My jaw tenses. The lie I always tell comes to mind, rushing through me but dying on my tongue. I close my eyes, feeling the darkness creep inside. I open my eyes and look down at Haley, and the darkness retreats, unable to compete with her light. “I tried to kill myself.”

The words cut through the air like the knife that sliced through my skin. Haley slides her finger along the scar then links her fingers through mine.

“I’m so sorry, Aiden.”

I nod. “I was sixteen and couldn’t…I couldn’t handle things, so I tried to end it. My sister found me before I got to the other wrist. I didn’t die, obviously.” She twists in my arms and holds me. I relax, feeling a weight I didn’t know was pressing on me lift. I hadn’t told this to anyone. Not to Kennedy, who’d asked about the scar more than once during our relationship. Not to the cast members of Shadowland, who had become my new family. Not to Claire, who’d been with me since the start. Not to anyone.

“Can I ask what happened to make you feel so hopeless? It’s okay of you don’t want to tell me.”

I hold her close, my heart pounding. No one knows what happened. It’s a secret kept in our family, a huge reason I moved from London to L.A. and never went back. “My dad…” I start. “My dad and I never got along. He liked to take his frustrations out on me.”

“He hit you,” she whispers.

“Not just hit. He beat the shit out of me. I passed out from it a few times and had my arm broken twice.”

Haley tenses then runs her hands through my hair, keeping me calm. “That’s awful, Aiden. I’m so sorry.”

“Me too. My mum knew. She saw it happen most of the time. And she did nothing. Just cowered and watched with tears in her eyes. She was scared of him, I know that now, but fuck, take us away, take us somewhere safe. She’d rather be with him than alone.”

“It still hurts you, doesn’t it?” she asks softly and sits up, urging me onto her. We resituate with my head nestled between her breasts.

“What does?”

“Life.”

I feel emotional, and I can’t answer right away. Haley is so kind, so caring. She is going through her own hell yet noticed what none of my friends did. “Yes,” I finally whisper. “It does. It shouldn’t, because I have everything I’m supposed to have.”

“It’s not what you have, but who you have,” she says softly before she kisses me. My heart flutters in a way it hasn’t since I met her. It’s beating and I feel so alive, and for the first time in years I want to stay alive. I don’t want to think about death or slowly slipping away, about the life seeping from me like water into the ground, about everything fading to black as I cease to exist. I want to be with Haley, to feel everything, the good and the bad. I want to be here for her, and I’ve never wanted that for anyone before.

“I only recently realized that,” I say back just as softly. “I haven’t felt the hurt as badly recently, though. Not since I met you.” Her jaw tightens and tears glisten in her eyes. She just nods and rests her forehead against mine. “I don’t know why, but there is something about you that makes me feel okay.”

“That’s why you have all those pills,” she says, and I nod. She doesn’t speak. She just holds me, and I fear if she lets me go I will unravel and get swept away with the wind. My heart is racing and my fingers tremble. I’ve never felt so scared yet so relieved before. Haley believes in second chances. She thinks the worst of the worst are redeemable.

Will she think I am?

“Hey, I’m fine,” I say and kiss her. She melts into me, and the kiss turns into something more. Before I know it, my hands are under her shirt, cupping her breasts, and my tongue is in her mouth.

“I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t mean just to another woman. I don’t want to lose you to anything, Aiden. I’ve already lost so much. I can’t lose you too.”

“You won’t lose me, Haley.”

Tears fill her eyes. “Overdosing is dangerous, Aiden! You could die!”

“I’m not going to overdose,” I snap. “They’re just pain pills.”

Her eyes widen in horror. “Don’t you know that’s still dangerous?” she rasps.

I shrug and roll my eyes. It’s not like I was shooting up heroin. It was just prescription painkillers.

“I won’t overdoes,” I say. “Haley, it’s fine. I know what to take and when to stop.”

She closes her eyes. “That doesn’t make me feel any better. If you’re drinking and take the wrong pill…it could be bad.”

“It won’t be bad. I promise.” I kiss her.

Tears run down her face. “If anything happened to you, it would kill me.”

“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I’ll stop.”

“I don’t want you to hurt, and I don’t want you to get hurt. There has to be another way, and whatever it is, whatever it takes, I’ll help you. I want to help you.”

“You do, Haley. You don’t know it, but you do. Just being with you, just knowing you don’t think I’m hopeless, helps. I’ve never had that before,” I admit quietly. “There is darkness in me, Haley, and it won’t go away. It pulls me under and taints my thoughts, and sometimes I do bad things.”

Tears run down her face. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, and it certainly doesn’t make you hopeless. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, Aiden, and I don’t mean physically. You saw past my heartache, and I see past yours. Please promise me you won’t take the pills anymore.”