“What? No! I—I think what you just did was . . . it might have been one of the best things I have ever seen. Stan can be such a jackass. The shit he was trying to say about Bobby . . . and saying words like that at the table.”

“So you're not mad?”

“No! In fact, it's been a while since I've seen you like that. Feisty. And I don't know . . . just . . . wow.”

I smiled and locked eyes with Rory. And then I started to laugh, and he did too. I didn't know what came over me either. I never liked that kind of talk, but hearing what happened to Curtis and making friends with Will and Sasha now meant I wouldn't tolerate it either.

“Come here,” Rory said, tugging me forward by the chin to kiss me on the lips. Then he did it again, and again. And then he was kissing me like he could swallow me.

I tried. I tried to pretend like the passion was there. That I wanted his hands on my breasts and up my skirt. But even when I liked Rory, he just felt like a good friend to me. And I was scared to admit, something of a brother.

We ended up in the backseat. Me on my back, Rory pumping into me. All I could think of was how I wanted it to be over. How sex never felt like this with Bobby. A chore. Something I was purely obligated to do. That my body was somehow possessed by him to do with whatever he pleased. I was tired of using my body as a peace offering with Rory. I was tired of being afraid to hurt his feelings by telling him I didn't want him inside of me.

I couldn't go back after those two weeks. Rory sweating on top of me in this steaming hot car began to make me feel sick. Because I was being a coward. There was no grey area. I did not want to have sex with him. Not even after the moment we had shared.

“Stop,” I murmured.

“It's okay,” I'm almost there, he grunted.

“No, stop,” I repeated.

“Lil, just wait,” he ordered breathlessly.

“I said stop!” I pushed him off of me. He got up on his knees and slammed his head into the ceiling of the car, his erection pumping semen all over his hands as he tried to catch it. I sensed relief when I saw that he didn't come inside of me.

“God dammit, Lilly! What the hell is wrong with you?” He snapped as he rubbed his head with his available hand.

I didn't have an answer. Not one that would make sense to him. Not one I was ready to confess.

“If you had waited another fifteen seconds, I would have been finished!” Rory yanked a handkerchief from his pocket and began wiping his palm. He knelt in front of me, his face contorted in desperation. “What is going on? Please just tell me. What do I have to do to get you to want me, Lilly?” he asked, exasperated. “It's like I repulse you, or . . . I don't know. I’m trying here. I really am. But it's like you look right through me, Lilly.”

It hurt to hear the pain in his voice. I felt Rory trying to reach through the thick wall of resentment to grab my hand. At least in his own way. But telling him the truth would hurt him more. “I'm just not in the mood.”

“No, it's not just that. You have me here with my dick in my hands in a damned parking lot.” He sighed in frustration. “Do you even love me?”

“Yes, of course I do,” I said.

“Then what?”

“I don't know! I don't know! I just didn't want to do it.”

“I'm lost here Lilly. Just tell me what I need to do,” he begged.

I scrunched my eyes as a rogue tear escaped. “I just want to go home, okay? We'll talk about it later. Let me get you another handkerchief.”

“I got it,” Rory retorted, kneading the soiled one against his palm. It didn't feel good to dismiss him like the countless times he had dismissed me when I tried to talk to him about my needs. But I really had no answers for him. I did love him when I married him. It wasn't like how I loved Bobby, but something was there. I thought I could have been comfortable with him. I thought we could have a family and be good parents. And I can't point to the exact moment where I lost it, but it was gone. And despite all that, I didn't have the heart to say those words to him.

I thought there would be a lot of tension at the cookout, but things were too busy for me to harp on the events of the night before.

Barbie came early to help set up and apologize. I told her it was water under the bridge. It was. I said what I had to say and I honestly didn't care enough about Stan to hold a grudge.

Rory stayed at his throne, the grill, for the majority of the party. Children ran circles around the adults, as ladies in breezy sundresses fanned themselves in the record-high heat. At the lake house, there had been a nice lull in the heatwave, plus the lake is always a bit cooler. But almost as soon as Bobby and I returned, a new wave came back, peaking in time for the holiday weekend.

Strangely, Bobby and I didn't cross paths much during the gathering. Sure we saw each other, but we couldn't be who we wanted to be to each other. It was peculiar. Almost as if the two weeks at the lake were a dream I had mistaken for reality. But the way I felt about him remained. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him as he chatted with various neighbors, led the children in some games, and assisted Rory at the grill.

Sometimes we would catch each other's eyes, but it felt as if everyone could feel the spark between us, so we would snap out of the gaze.

Here, I was the Lilly Rory knew. The one mostly cold towards his brother, and at other times indifferent.

As the sun began to set, Rory whistled to get the crowd's attention.

“I uh, want to make an announcement,” he said.

The guests looked around, as did I. I had no idea what he was planning to announce.

“Lilly, come over here,” he gestured with the beer in his hand. “She doesn't know either,” he hinted, delighted.

“What's this about?” I whispered as he put his arm around my shoulder.

“So some of you may or may not know, but I have been working really hard towards a promotion at Generate for the Lead Sales Associate in the state of Wisconsin. Well . . . I didn't get it,” he admitted.

Everyone looked around quizzically.

“I got the Regional Sales Director Position!” he shouted. “. . . In Minneapolis!”

“Wuh . . .?” I could barely connect the dots. How could he do this? Did he even consider this might not be something I wanted? A move out of my home state? But the truth was Rory didn't consider me. Maybe that was my fault to a degree, for allowing it to happen, for detaching myself emotionally so that he learned to stop caring about my feelings.

The crowd clapped and cheered at this announcement, and I put on my best fake smile, wrapping my arms around his waist as he kissed me on the temple. I glanced at Bobby who stood at the back of the gathering. His face grew solemn and he walked off.

“We'll talk more later, okay? I have to tend to these meats.”

“When did you find out?” I asked.

“Tentatively on Friday. But the boss called the house this morning to finalize. He didn't want to keep me hanging and they want to move quickly.”

“Wow.” Shock usurped any other emotion at the moment. But I knew this would be another brick of tension in the invisible wall between us. I wouldn't be so accepting of the news when droves of neighbors weren't in earshot.

“Rory! Congrats!” Paul Simmons from across the street waltzed into our conversation.

I tugged Rory away for a moment. “I'm going to rest upstairs for a bit. I have a headache from the heat I think. If anyone asks, don't tell them. I just need fifteen minutes or so away from the fuss.”

“You want me to check in?” he asked. “You might miss the fireworks.”

It worked out that the fireworks would start soon. The entire neighborhood spilled onto the street and down by Barbie's house for a better view. I hoped I could have the house to myself. “No, if I end up napping, I don't want to be disturbed. I'd rather sleep it off. I'll set my own alarm. Plus, one of us needs to be out here anyway.”