I toss and turn all night, thinking about Jason and questioning whether or not I made the right decision. Well, truth be told, if I hadn’t parted ways with him then, I wouldn’t have had my son. But now, after seeing Jason turn up at my doorstep, I wonder if it’s too late for us. Being in the company of Jason Hart was easy, carefree, and relaxing. He’s not the type of person to create unnecessary drama, unlike some other jerk I know.

Haden, as predicted, hasn’t texted or called me after storming off in a huff. This game of his is getting old and his short temper only causes more friction between us. Yet, when we get along, I really enjoy being around him. Is there such a thing as male PMS? I swear, Haden Cooper could be the frontrunner for a nationwide campaign for it.

My mind refuses to shut down and just when I begin to fall asleep, Masen wakes up, demanding to be fed. Half asleep, I nestle him into a feeding position and try to keep my eyes open. For some unknown reason, he refuses to latch on, squirming uncomfortably and crying. Following the normal routine, I check his diaper, attempt to burp him, then try again to feed him. He still refuses to latch on, and an hour later, I am out of my mind.

“What do you want, Masen?” I cry, rocking him back and forth.

Nothing appears to work and I’ve already deemed myself a horrible mother. I grab my cell and dial the Jerk’s number, not expecting him to pick up after our argument earlier tonight. After several rings, he answers. The background is loud, and no surprise, he’s probably at a club getting wasted.

“Malone, are you okay?” he yells over the noise.

“No, I’m not. Masen won’t settle and I don’t know what to do.” I hold back my tears and, of course, Masen continues to wail over me.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

That twenty minutes feels like forever, and the second my door buzzes, I scramble to answer it. Haden enters immediately, throwing his helmet, keys, and cell onto the sofa and grabbing Masen from me. He’s dressed in a pair of black dress pants and a dark grey shirt rolled up at the sleeves; it’s different from his normally casual attire of jeans and a tee on the weekends. He looks good…real good. But hey, what do I know? I’m sleep deprived and sex deprived, and neither one of those problems would be solved anytime soon.

He moves towards my bedroom and I follow behind him. It only takes a couple of minutes of Haden rubbing his back in a circular motion for Masen to finally settle. When ten minutes passes without a single sound, my emotions and tired state get the better of me and I begin to cry.

“I can’t do this…alone.”

“You’re not alone. It’s just one bad night,” he reassures me.

He moves to sit down on the bed, keeping Masen comfortable and quiet while I continue to stand there like a sobbing mess. I’m a wreck, dressed in my old baseball tee and boxers with my hair a wild mess. Heavy bags have formed under my eyes and my skin appears dry and pale.

“This is hard. Look at me…I haven’t slept. My hair hasn’t had a proper shampoo in forever. I’ve been wearing the same shirt for like the past two weeks because I can’t get to the Laundromat. I have no clue what I’m doing!”

“Presley…just calm down. It’s not that bad. Why don’t I get my mom here to come help you for a few hours? She’s dying to spend time with Masen.”

“Not that bad?” I raise my voice slightly. “I’m a mess…and…I feel like the worst mother in the world. I bet Eloise won’t look like that when you guys have babies. She’ll probably just push that baby out and—”

“Presley…”

I continue to ramble on, ignoring him. “And I bet she has that type of hair that is silky and smooth all the time like those shampoo commercials where the chick just flicks her hair and she looks like she just stepped out of the salon.”

“Malone,” he raises his tone.

“What?” I say, exasperated from my rant.

He doesn’t say anything further but nods his head, motioning for me to look at my chest. I look down and through my shirt that my milk has leaked and left two patches. Just fucking great…and here come the waterworks.

“See? I can’t even feed my child and then this happens,” I cry.

He lays Masen down beside the pillow and covers him with a blanket. Haden moves towards me, and in my pathetic state, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer into him. I don’t care what’s happening right now and continue to cry into his chest. Holding me tight, he gives me time to release my frustrations until my sobs slow down.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

He kisses my forehead and slowly pushes me away, still keeping our bodies in close range. Cupping my face, he gives me a sympathetic smile before speaking quietly so as not to stir Masen. “You’ve got to learn to ask for help. I’m here, Presley…I’ll always be here when you need me. Just don’t drop bullshit bombs on me like earlier.”

“You’ve got a life, Haden. You can’t stop living it. Like tonight, where were you?”

“It was a stupid party for Eloise’s friend. Trust me, I didn’t want to go.”

His deep stare and bewitching smile only reiterate what I’m terrified of feeling. How could the man standing here in front of me, the father to my son, not be the person I’m supposed to fall in love with? Yet every time we fight, it somehow brings us closer together, and I fall into the trap of thinking I really am in love with him.

How can I be in love with Haden Cooper?

I want to pull away from him, create the distance my heart needs right now, but he moves his hands down my arms till they’re sitting on the base of my shirt. Without saying a word, he grips the hem of my shirt and motions for me to lift my arms. I have no idea what he’s doing, but in my tired state, I let him take my soaked shirt off. I stand there in only my bra as he wraps his arms back around me, kissing my shoulder. As much as I want to stay like this, Masen begins to squirm.

“I think he’s hungry. Why don’t you take your bra off and feed him? I promise I won’t look.”

I laugh softly. “Have you seen them? They’re impossible to hide.”

“How can I not notice them?” He smirks. “But seriously, our son is hungry. I can turn around.”

My bra is wet and uncomfortable and I know I need to release the milk. I ask him to turn around for a brief moment as I unclasp my bra. It’s a relief to take it off and I feel the pressure subside immediately. Making myself comfortable on the bed, I move to lay on my side and pull the sheets to cover part of my skin. I pull Masen closer to me and he latches on with ease, gently sucking away. Haden turns around and lays beside me on the bed. Stroking Masen’s hair, he hums a tune I don’t recognize.

“You’re doing a great job,” he whispers. “You’re a natural even though you don’t see it.”

“I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“No first-time mom does.”

“Yeah but first-time moms have husbands that help them.”

“I told you, I’m here.”

“You won’t be here forever. You’ll be doing the same thing with your wife soon.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

I keep my voice down so as not to wake up Masen. “You never want to address it, Haden. If you love her, then marry her. But these moments we have…they need to stop.”

“What if I don’t want them to stop?”

“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Sometimes you’ve got to make decisions and deal with the consequences, whether it good or bad. I’m a realist. I stepped away from a relationship even though it wasn’t easy.”

“But you don’t think with your heart.”

“Of course I do. I loved Jason—”

“But you wanted more,” he interrupts. “Tell me, what is your heart telling you now?”

He is asking me a question I dare not answer truthfully, because if I do, there’s a huge possibility my heart will be exposed and shatter if he walks down that aisle…with her. But on the flipside, I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster and walking on eggshells.