And it honestly felt too good to be true.  Better than even my imagination.  While I was away, I’d lived on the fantasy of what things might be like when I came back.  When I returned to Callum.  The first year I was gone, the fantasies were just about being with him on that fire escape again, wrapped in his arms and my blanket.  But within a couple years, I knew to imagine something post-college since we were getting past the age.  I could see Callum being so devastatingly gorgeous now.  But I could never picture what he was doing.  All I knew was that he was never going back to anything related to wrestling and that always washed me with the darkest guilt, so I stopped trying to imagine his life.  After awhile, my fantasies consisted mostly of being simply near Callum, imagining how time had changed his voice, his laugh, his body.  It was the best survival tactic I could think of while I was living where I was.  At night, on the ripped couch, it was my joyful fantasyland to drift into.

But the reality was so many million times better – to the point that I could hardly bear to part ways with Callum this morning.  I had a feeling, despite the fact that neither of us acknowledged it, that he felt similarly because he popped back into the kitchen after saying goodbye, just to make sure I had money, knew where I was going, et cetera.  He didn’t leave till Caroline called to remind him that he was meeting her.  I didn’t take offense to the lack of an invitation.  I was having some fancy dinner with Caroline soon and knew her well enough to know that she was using this lunch alone with Callum to freely grill him about me – how I was doing, whom I’d been talking to and if there was anything she could do to make me more comfortable.  I’d reveled in that kind of attention when I was younger but toward the end of high school, I’d begun feeling apologetic about it, declining her offers of mani-pedis at our favorite spa or a girl’s weekend to Easthampton.  So Caroline’s solution was to ask Callum what I needed, how I was doing.  I knew that today’s lunch with him would be no different.

So to kill time, I decided to load up on T-shirts, jeans, pajamas, socks.  Whatever Caroline would buy in excess for me if she found out I didn’t have.  Earbuds in, I played music from an iPod shuffle they didn’t even make anymore.  It was from high school – metallic pink with all the songs I listened to when I was sixteen to seventeen.  Caroline had kept it all these years and given it to me the night of my welcome back dinner.  “Little blast from the past for you.”  She slipped it into my clutch with a giggle.  “Figure you can save it for a nice stroll down memory lane.”

It did the trick.  My brain was sufficiently launched back to junior year as my ears filled with old Alicia Keys and Maroon 5.  I had some oldies stuff in there too – Fifties jazz I used to listen to with Caroline.  I was practically skipping by the time “Cheek To Cheek” came on.  It was the simplest pleasure I’d felt in awhile.  Combined with the fact that I was already floating on cloud nine, I was having the time of my life, practically waltzing down the sidewalk.

But with a sudden lurch in my chest, I stopped dead at the corner of Nineteenth Street.  My ears rang and I choked on instant panic.

I was being watched.

I’d spent enough time being followed to know what it felt like.  I froze, my eyes scanning the street, my heart half-convinced I’d somehow see him.  My stepbrother with his straw-like hair peeking out of a dirty Marlins cap.  My pulse was still racing by the time I realized that it was impossible.  He wasn’t here.  Trish wasn’t here.  I was in New York, not at Sunstone.  I’d left that all behind, I was certain of that.

But then a hand gripped my shoulder.  “Lake.”  I thrashed.  “Whoa, whoa – easy!”

Fear pressed my back into the limestone building behind me.  Two women rushed defensively between me and whoever grabbed me.  “Do you know him?” “Are you okay?” They asked their questions several times before I heard them.  My lips stuttered something as my eyes focused on the man standing behind them, cringing over the scene and trying desperately to explain himself.

Theo.

“Oh my God,” I exhaled, the muscles in my chest relaxing.  I never imagined I’d be relieved to see Theo Spencer.  But between him and my stepbrother, I was sure I preferred to see him.  I thanked the women who stepped in, apologizing profusely until they hesitantly left my side, looking over their shoulders as Theo, holding his hands up, said a dozen versions of “I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t realize I was going to scare you so bad, I’m so sorry, Lake,” he said, his light brown eyes flicking all over my face, up and down my body as he apologized.  “Wow.  Just…” A breath whooshed out his lips.  “Wow.  Lake.  It’s crazy to finally see you.”

I could only nod, still stiff and wide-eyed.  “What – were you following me?”

Theo loosened the collar of his blue Polo shirt.  “Uh… technically?” he laughed sheepishly, running a hand through his dark hair, ruining the gelled style he’d been wearing since we were teenagers.  “I, um, I heard you were staying with Callum and I went to the apartment to see if I could find you.  You were just leaving when I got there, so I, uh,” he nodded at a silver Audi parked behind him, “followed from there.”

“Oh.”  My voice was far away, my gaze floating off behind him.

“Christ, I’m so sorry.  You must be sufficiently creeped out.”

I blinked.  I probably should’ve been but I was still recovering from the startling thought of my stepbrother being in New York.  The rest of my body was still taking its time to loosen and abandon that fight or flight mode.  “It’s okay,” I said hastily, trying to concentrate on the fact that I was standing in front of Theo Spencer, my high school boyfriend-turned-bully.  The brother of the scumbag who told me I had to “earn my keep” around his rich group of friends.

“Lake, I heard about what happened at my brother’s party.  My party, technically, though it got shut down before I even got there.”  He tried a nervous laugh to lighten the mood.

“Right,” I nodded, coming to.  My instinct was to say sorry but I realized I didn’t actually want to.  Whatever Nick got that night, he had deserved.  “I’m sorry you didn’t get your party,” I finally said.

“That’s quite alright, I didn’t actually want it.  Nick’s just trying to get on my good side because he wants to borrow my house in Ibiza for a couple months.”

I blinked at him, unable to relate at all to what he was saying.  Theo quickly changed the subject.

“Anyway, I was hoping to buy you lunch or a drink or whatever takes the least amount of time for you to consume since I’m sure you’d like to limit your time with me.”  He tried that nervous laugh again.  “I just really need a moment to give a proper apology.  For what happened with Nick and what happened… back then.”

Theo Spencer was being self-deprecating.  I’d never seen it before.  I tried to process that and tell myself that everything was still perfectly fine.  My panic before had been a product of my imagination.  Nothing was wrong.  I’d just had the best morning of my life and now I had the opportunity to put one part of my past officially behind me.  It was clear to me that I was in need of burying the bad memories.

“Okay,” I finally said.

Theo’s shoulders dropped with relief.  “God.  Awesome.  Lunch or drinks?”

“Coffee.”

“Whatever you say.”

I managed something like a laugh as we headed for the closest café.  I’d never heard Theo say those words before.

Chapter Eleven

Callum

It was going to take awhile to get used to my mother’s new look.  She was always strikingly beautiful with the kind of sharp cheekbones and bright eyes that shone through even her worst depressions.  Her episodes were bad after Lake left, but never bad enough for her to stop smiling for me.  Her blonde hair went grey and she didn’t often leave the house but when I let her see me, she always gave me the most dazzling smile.  The same one she wore when she woke Lake up on Sunday mornings and waltzed her down the hall, hand-in-hand, cheek-to-cheek – their little pre-brunch tradition to celebrate homemade waffles, danced to the tune of old jazz.  It took every ounce of her energy to give me that smile but she mustered it up for me every time because she knew that whatever pain she felt with Lake gone, I was feeling the same.